New to all of this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
New to all of this...
13
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 2:16pm

I have been lurking for quite some time now.  I finally had the courage to both tell my story and seek advice, no one else in my life knows any of this.

I met a man online in a chat room.  We have been communicating (via text and phone, for about 3 years now, we met once for lunch nothing happened.  We talk just about every single day, we have just started to face time as well.  I start every day with a message from him.  We sext and he regularly sends me pictures of his penis.he also shares personal information about himself and his family with me. We have talked about all kinds of things we would do to one another.  oh yeah, we are both married me 23 years, him 4, I am 42 and he is 44.  

A few days ago he told me, I want more than he can give, he said I want and need d*ick and I dont want to do that with my husband.  I took offense to this, he says he meant he cant have sex.  At one point he told me he can justify oral sex.  I am throroughly confused by him and this situation.  Any thoughts or advice would be good.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 2:43pm
Welcome to the board. He isn't looking at your communication, naughty pictures or sexting as a form of an affair or cheating. He doesn't look at oral sex as cheating, but penetration is crossing a boundary in his mind. It is à form of self justification. He wants you, but is squarely putting it out there, no penetration but he will certainly let you pleasure him. In my mind oral sex is sex.

If you are ok and enjoying the friendship you have with him, keep it going. If your looking for a full blown affair, it isn't going to happen. I think if you meet him and pleasure him that is likely all it will ever be, as he will feel immense guilt due to his mindset.

I am not exactly sure what kind of advice you are looking for.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 2:44pm

Hes also told me numerous times hes hooked on me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 2:46pm

Thanks, I am not sure either. I am very confused.  I am new to this, even though our friendship has been ongoing for several years now.  He talks about having sex but then says he can justify oral sex.  What you have said makes sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 12:21am

sunny is right.. he's the "bill clinton- i did not have sex with that woman" kind of AP..

and immature and irresponsible..

any of what you shared is damaging to your families if it were found out.. and he should realize he's playing the big boys game instead of burying his head in the sand..

like sunny said, if this is your cup of tea, do go on..

if you feel you deserve something more real for taking all this risk, you are entitled to feel this way and should seek an A w/ someone who can handle the responsibility like a real man, not a little confused boy..

==

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 9:09pm

Thanks guys, you hit the nail on the head I think.  Even though he says we are more than friends, he also believes he has done nothing wrong yet.  He told me he is trying to be a good boy having only been married a few years.  I get seriously mixed messages from him, even when I ask what we are doing.  honestly, I do not know what i want.  I do enjoy talking to him, I have tried a few times to stop, he honors my wishes but I always break down and contact him.  He says he missed talking to me and was glad i contaced him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 11:05am
The more I think about this, the more confused I get. Alot of my confusion is due to his mixed signals. This morning I not only get a GM text but a picture of his smiling face as he is laying in bed. From time to time he will send me a pic of h smiling, i never send him mine. Today i just felt confused. I was happy to see his face but also wondered wjat him sending it meant to him. He always tells me he enjoys our converstions and we are more than friends and lets just see where this takes us. I also think my true confusiom started last week when he told me i want more than he can givei have a need and desire for d*ick. I can get that out of my head, it made me and the last few years weve talked feel so cheap. He attempted to clear it up saying, i would want more and more of him but that didnt really help me...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 11:26am
I agree with you, he does hide it from his wife that we talk at all,let alone everyday. We talk about the physical often but we rarely talk about actually meeting to do it. I was fine woth things, atleast I thought i was, until last week. I know i talk about being physical with him too buy i am secretly happy he is not pushing it because i am not decided if i want or not. I am certain if we saw one another without thought it would happen. I do agree, i am very connected to him emotionally, i am certain more than he is to me. He is VERY laid back and does not let most things bother him. He is helping me to reach what we call his constant zen state.
Are you going to do what your AP wants?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 12:56pm
Wow, he sounds just like mine. I honestly do believe in his mind we have done nothing wrong and he is still a good boy. I know for a fact if his wife knew about our communication and the content, she would not be happy at all. he told me he was once warned by his it guy at work about our racy emails.
For me, it was exciting and still is. I have grown to really like him. If it is a slow commincation day, I miss talking to him. I find myself looking for his morning text, its like my coffee it gets me going. Today he was late, he and his wife are off today, he said he had to wait till she went out.
I think he likes me too, who would talk to a person they never get to see for 3+ years now about any and every thing if they didnt atleast like them. Whatever we are doing is filling some kind of need for him just as it is for me. One time he told me his wife satisfied him completely, the next morning i awoke to a picture of his pen*is, MIXED MESSAGES.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 2:42pm
There really isn't a mixed message in his comment. She satisfies him completely in the fact that he is content with his wife, his family, she takes care if him, the bills, the laundry and so on. She is the good wife, you give him an outlet for his sexual desires he can not share with her. Almost everyman wants to be married to a good girl and have a naughty one on the side.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 3:23pm
Sunny that makes sense. When hr said it, i assumed hr meant sexually too. The ironic thing is when we talk about whatever, he is always clear and concise. However, it seems like to me anyway when it comes to us there are 50 shades of gray! no pun intended. Perhaps i am thinking too much since his comment last week. I was just really surprised and taken aback by that.
I think i need to read up more on emotional affairs, it appears thats what we are having.