Why would a man be this cruel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Why would a man be this cruel
12
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 6:12pm

Also posted on ask a dating expert message board:

A man a work has been attracted to me for awhile. He has never spoken to me, but definately interested in me. We don't have any reason to interact just see each other around he office. I am very shy and guarded, so for me flirting is extremely difficult. So, I haven't really recipricated in the flirting depatment. Well, in the matter of two days timehe has gone from not being able to keep his eyes off of me to being very cruel. He was talking loud enough to make sure I heard him. He has a date (which is fine) but was also saying how negative I am and how incompatable we would be. And basically that the two of us together  would be a disaster. His friend said what a shame it was I'm a cute girl but, we would just be so incompatable. Why would someone say that loud enough for that person to hear them. I guess I'm glad that it didn't go anywhere. Is he just that big a jerk?

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 7:51pm

Unless there is more to the story you haven't shared, I don't see his conduct as cruel. He paid you a complement by saying you are good looking. Saying someone is incompatible is not derogatory, IMO. There are many wonderful people who just have different interests, values, tastes, and styles. That's just part of life. Now if he said you were ugly or a stuck-up bitch, that would be a very different matter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 9:58pm

The man has never said one word to me. How can he judge my personality from across a room? Once he made it known that he had a date lined up, I got the hint. Don't you think it would have been more kind to have stopped with that information?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 12:00am
petrified2 wrote:

The man has never said one word to me. How can he judge my personality from across a room?

 There is a bit about a person you can learn even before having a conversation. For instance, I realize a good looking woman wearing a cross necklace is incompatible with me--just by the fact she is wearing that necklace. I am an observant Jew, so she isn't for me (and my wife would object as well). With a lot of women eliminated for me when I was single on religious grounds--and myself eliminated for a lot of women on that basis, I just don't see the statement about incompatibility as offensive.

Other cues--your clothing, what you say when you are overheard talking with others, etc.--can say a lot. A man can make a reasonable judgment from these that a woman isn't for him even without saying a single word to her.

Anyway, there are plenty of other men out there. As another poster said, I would work on your shyness. Research online. There are also cognitive-behavioral therapists who can help.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 4:44pm

Petrified, what an awkward situation to be in.  On it's own, this makes no sense.   There is something else happening which you either aren't aware of or are unaware of the significance of.

At any rate, having these discussions - in the office - in front of you - is inappropriate.    I'd speak to your supervisor about it and have them put a stop to it.  

My only other advice is to rethink the idea that he was 'definately' attracted to you despite not having spoken to you.    I really can't imagine how he could have been obviously flirting without direct interaction.    Could it have been a case of wishful thinking on your part?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 8:05pm
We work in a hospital and I work for a different company, so telling a supervisor about it won't help especially since he's a doc. We mostly only see each other in the cafeteria. It absolutely don't believe it was wishful thinking on my part. I am beginning to believe it was me he wanted to take on his date. I know he talked to his ex-girlfriend the night before (He's a really loud talker.) and maybe something went down there that upset him. It will be a very awkward lunch from now on. My biggest thing that he had to keep carrying on about my bad qualities after he said he was taking someone else out. I just wonder if he wanted to see how I would react, or maybe my reaction wasn't what he expected.
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 8:20pm

Hi  Welcome to the board.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 4:13pm

Thanks, Ed

I wish I were that young. I'm mid 40's, he's early 50"s.

Part of my problem at this point in time is that I have just ended a 16 year relationship. Needless to say my heart is a bit bruised, and that has a lot to do with me being so guarded.

I had already decided that I needed to just relax and smile at him Friday. Not much after I got into the cafeteria he was talking a bout his date. (I don't know if he had already asked her out or not, or if my lack of response when I came in made him choose to take her out.) I was not going to start flirting with someone that has just said he was taking someone else out.

I have no fantasies about confronting him, it isn't worth it. It will be hard to try to act as though everything is normal at lunch tomorrow. My intent is to try very hard to act as though I am none of the things he said about me because I'm not. It should be interesting to see what his reaction is.

I am beginning to think as another poster said "This is a case of sour grapes." He was visibly angry. Wouldn't look at me at all. Makes me almost feel sorry for the girl he is taking out.

Laura

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 6:42pm

I see through exactly what is going on from a male point of view. He is insecure and the fact that you haven't reciprocated his feelings is making him angry. Now, while he may still have an ounce of affection for you, he is trying to convince himself that after all the emotional effort, you are not worth it, will never reciprocate feelings and it was a complete waste of time, effort and emotion. It's a bit equivalent of women friendzoning a man.

In his case, he is trying to get rid of any feelings left for you by saying all of those things. He is trying to distance you away on purpose so that he no longer has to deal with his feelings for you. He wants you to hate him so that he has closure and never has to deal with his feelings towards you.

He wants to reset your relationship back to like nothing happened so that he can see you a person that is neutral to him and you can see him as a person that is neutral or worse to you, just like before any feelings developed. What he doesn't realize is that it hurts you as well. It's a jackass and insecure move on his part, but the only defense and coping mechanism he has. I hope that makes sense, let me know if it does not, I can elaborate further, but im pretty sure I am 100% dead on in the analysis.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 8:19pm

ROFL:  one thing

  never, ever,pull

I really wanted to rest and watch tonight's xx vs. yy playoff game.

I know how important that game is can't you record it and help me; I really had something special planned for tonight.

   This won't work as (1) someone will tell him the score/ he will hear the score/

                                  (2) poor plannning/should be planned better to avoid these conflicts

       FAIL!

When in negotiation for car repairs use broken record rather than Hubby as the backstop.   Hubby is not there.  A woman needs to assert herself by demanding the repair she is willing to pay for and nothing else to gain respect for her as a customer.

chaika