How often do you communicate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
How often do you communicate?
17
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 7:10pm

Hello everyone. I am new here. After many months of soul searching, I joined Ashley Madison about a month ago in search of an affair partner. I won't get into the many reasons I have for doing this, but mainly I realize that I want to experience what it is like to be sexual and intimate with someone other than my husband. My marriage is mostly okay, but sexually, we are not compatible and my many attempts to change it haven't worked.

Anyway, I've been emailing a man I met from AM for several weeks, and after exchanging dozens of lengthy, "get to know you" emails, we finally met last week. There was a great deal of chemistry and we instantly liked each other. We met again this week and made out like teenagers. It was wonderful. We seem to want the same thing from an affair, and it all seemed good. I emailed him the next day telling him that I enjoyed making out and was turned on. He responsed just as enthusiastically, and we tentatively agreed to meet late this coming week (our schedules are both really tight). However, since then - nothing. No communication whatsoever. Over the past few weeks, I've noticed that he does not like to email in the evenings or on weekends (he mostly communicates from work), and he does not like to text. He said he is fine with texting, but he doesn't do it, so that makes me think he is not comfortable with it. I've only texted him a handful of times, and he wasn't very responsive, so I dropped it.

The problem is, I really want to be in an affair with someone who texts me every day (or close to it) and lets me know he is thinking of me and desires me. It might sound needy, but this is one of my needs for an affair - I need to feel desired and want to be told that I am.

Do you think it is too soon to be worrying about this? I feel like I am often the one who communicates first with this guy, and I don't like it. I am not excessive about it at all, but I don't like that I always send him the email or text message first. In fact, after the last time I texted him and he didn't respond, I told myself to back off until he contacted me. It's now been 2 days, and I know I probably won't hear from him again until Monday. I think if he does want me (and he says he does), then he needs to show me. I already feel taken for granted in my marriage, so I don't need to feel like that in my affair before it has even really started!

Am I making too big of a deal about this? I don't want to be a pushy person. He is a nice guy, but I don't want to push him into behaving in a way that makes him uncomfortable. I want him to contact me and text me because he wants to and because he desires me, not because he feels obligated.

How do I deal with this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 9:21pm

Although there is a big range across the board regarding communication, it seems like a very attentive AP like what you are looking for is rare.  For example, my XAP and I communicated every day via text, but the quality of the communication left a lot to be desired (romantically).  It was friendly chatter, jokes, pictures, etc.  From what I have seen on here over the years, I think most men are able to compartmentalize the A and therefore, they don't make contact a daily thing.  It also seems that the norm is that over time, most APs become less passionate in their declarations. It seems like the 1st 6 months is the time when you will get the most attention and affirming words from them.  

That's just sort of my guess from my experience in my A and on MAS.  I am curious to see what others will say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 10:54pm
I agree with Jane. Men by nature are not the best communicators. And not to burst your bubble or anything, if you found him on AM, the likelihood of you not being his only AP is there. And about both of you wanting the same thing from the affair could be clarified further. Maybe he is in agreement with you about the physical part and not leaving each other's spouses. But not so much on the emotional parts you know? In my personal opinion sites like AM are not places to be looking for emotional attachments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 11:24pm

Oh, that is a good point, ferdi.  I have definitely noticed that the men I talked to on AM were much less likely to want any sort of emotional attachment (which is basically what daily, affectionate contact would reflect).  I know some people find loving APs on AM, but in my experience, most of them wanted more of an NSA thing, which is why they went online instead of finding someone in their daily sphere.  You can compartmentalize a person who had no place in your life except for the role of AP, but it is much harder to do that with a coworker, and neighbor, a friend, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 12:08am

mm here..

a couple of reasons why he might be less communicative..

the big one being that he finally "hunted and acquired" you.. so, now that that part is over, he doesn't have to "chase" you anymore.. plus with you making it obvious you are his whenever he wants you to be, he surely doesn't have to make an extra effort here.. to add insult to injury, you've already started making excuses FOR him..

or that he's really busy and things will get back to "normal" at some point..

or that he's already onto the next hunt, or busy with the other other..

more than a few possibilities here..

you have two paths to approach this.. one, you can just write to him what you wrote to the board.. see what his take is on being unavailable.. express your expectations in clear terms.. they are not demands, but wishes.. you slept with the guy, the least he could is treat you the same way as he did before you two were intimate..

the other path is to play the game on his terms.. let him come to you.. let him be the one to make the move, to initiate communication.. and cool your heels in between.. and don't let your emotions and expectations get in the way.. treat this as an "extra", something fun, if it is there nice, if not, no big deal.. it's just physical anyway.. at least, for him, it is..

so.. what path would you take?

welcome to MAS and to the exciting world of AP second-guessing..

==

 

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 2:30am
Welcome!

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 2:43am
Welcome new!
Every a is different and how much communication there is. My ap and I go for days without talking. For us that is basically normal. But once we set up a get together and I don't hear from him, I take that as a good sign. Just try to go about your day and see how it goes.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 9:25am
Communication varies. You need to be sure you have a life that doesn't revolve around your AP. Keep it fun. If he is showing you his communication skills now, don't expect them to change. Also the longer your in the A you will notice that different things will have a cause and effect. It is not an easy adventure. There seems to be a defiant ebb and flow, when guys connect physically most will pull back for a bit, where women want to pull in closer. I think the best thing is to be upfront with your AP, express your desires and don't mold yourself into what you think he wants. Be yourself or you defiantly won't have a happy A.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2012
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 10:12am

Hi New2

I agree with everyone who has replied, and I hate to say this, but I also think you need to keep looking for someone closer what you want.  An A carries so much risk you should not settle for what you are getting vs what you are wanting, and like you said, you should not have to force it nor would the result be what you wanted if it is out of his character or comfort level. You will find chemistry with someone better, I know you may not want to start again, but here is a tip, search on AM for single guys.  As with ANYONE you have to worry about them getting psycho and outing you to your H, but that is with M's too and M's who aren't careful or even who are can have wives who are happy to out you and find you or forse their H's to spill all and tell your H all about the hurt you caused them.  On AM, most single guys I have talked to are super sweet, have no desire to get you caught, and either don't have alot of free time or don't want alot of time with a gf (so they don't want a clingy drama gf so they find a 'gf' who is attatched and won't be able to be demanding of them doing whatever they want when you are not available) But in my situation they can offer alot a MM can't, they have their own place, they have no problem texting you if thats what you want (I have rules for that with them and even though I only had an A with one, I talked and sext and emailed with many before I wanted to meet up, and they all were very descrete and willing to communicate the way I preferred, and when I stopped wanting to chat none got clingy) Just something to concider, believe me and you probably know already, you have to really be careful with anyone on there, I have heard just through my getting to know guys on AM, of crazy meet ups they have been through even after a month or more of talking and typing and trading pictures online. CRAZY stuff.  I would let this one go and not meet up again with him,  likely as not is he will give the most attention via contact he will ever give you right now at this moment.  It will either stay close to what it is now or fall off more. Its not a good fit.  Like gggb says what she found is more rare and could happen with any of them if the super connection came, its just not there with this one you have.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 10:47pm

We communicate daily via text, phone, email and chat on WWFs.  Rarely, very rarely does a day go by and i do not hear from him at all, 99.9% of the time I get a GM text at the very least from him. He tells me what hes doing and where hes going all the time.  He even texted me in baggage claim after returning from a vacay with his wife, to let me know he was home safely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2009
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 8:52am

AP and I try to exchange emails every day Mon-Fri (only very occassionally at weekends), sometimes it's once a day sometimes more, and if like today he has company he tries to let me know. He's also very good at letting me know before hand if he can't write ie when he goes on vacation. We don't text unless he's away on a business trip...he always lets me know he's arrived safely at his destination & when he gets home afterwards. I told AP early on what I expected re communication and he has respected that. After four years we tend to 'talk' mostly about our day, the news, a TV prog that has interested us...and of course a bit of flirting creeps in every now and then. :-) 

I think most of us WANT to feel and be told we are desirable, but that is different from NEEDING that reassurance...is it possible for you to do some work on your self esteem with a councilor? It may that once you have done that your neediness and hence your feeling of being taken for granted reduces and you will feel happier in your M and your A.

Kat xx

katuk

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