Freaking out...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Freaking out...
11
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 8:29pm

Hi everyone, I'm Karri.  I've posted a few times and have been on this TTC rollercoaster for 2 years now with 8 or so losses...the most recent being in July for a suspected ectopic (posted above).  So here I am after a lot of self help, relaxation, meditation, accupuncture, etc with a BFP.  It turned on 9 dpo last Sunday.  I had bloodwork today.  I have no real reason to suspect that this won't work exept for my history, but I am going from being calm and confident to freaking out.  I think either the progesterone suppository cut inside or directly outside, as it is sharp and I seem to every now and then have a pinkish tinged discharge when I wipe.  Of course this only gets my mind freaking out more.  I want so badly to believe that this will work out and I do believe that many of my m/c's are stress related.  I want to talk to someone and I reached out to a dear friend from one of the other boards who has BTDT and has been supportive, but she totally blew me off.  I am afraid to tell anyone because I never get the reaction I need and I don't want to jinx it.  I guess that's why I am posting here.  I need to get my anxiety in check and just verbalize my fears.  I know this is common, but does anyone have any coping strategies that seeem to work?  This has just been such a long journey and I can't quite let myself believe that it's going to work out.  Thanks for letting me vent.

 

Karri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 6:16am

I'm sorry PAL brain is ruinin the excitement of your BFP, I can totally understand why you are freakin out. Come and join us over at the Pregnant after a Loss board, there are several ladies in a similar situation to you that have just got their BFPs and have a long histroy of losses, I hope we can help to ease your stress levels a little

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 8:13am

Thanks, hopefully I will make my way over there soon, but I just can't do it yet.  Every time I join I have to leave a few days later.  I know the two have nothing to do with each other, but you start to see patterns and then you associate the action with the loss.

Karri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 8:15am

That's totally understandable. I really hope you're able to join us soon, I'll save you a seat

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Avatar for cowboys_grl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 11:02am

hi, I COMPLETELY understand your feelings!!  I have had 2 losses, in last 10 months and I am still getting over my last loss, in June.....the 2nd loss hit me very hard.  And I was NOT ready or even trying to get pg. right now.  Then last week...a BFP?  :smileysurprised:

I am battling my fear of losing this one, now!!  Each day, I am trying to tell myself, it will be okay, this is a different pregnancy.  But, that's what I told myself, on my last loss, too!  :smileysad:

Unfortunately, right now, there's nothing much you csan do, but take each day as it comes.  Sorry, I am not much help, but I wanted you to know, I understand your fears.

Prayers for you/us, that everything will be okay this time around.  :heart:

Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2007
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 3:37pm

Karri.

 

Hi I'm Shannon.  First of all *hugs* and congratulations on another BFP.  I am just like you...I'm almost 11 weeks along with #8 and I have no survivors.  I know everyone feels different, so I don't want to overstep but I'd like to think I have some idea of how you're feeling.

I go from ecstatic (even though it's ill-advised I have a name picked out already for this child)...to horrified (ok so I have three specialists and morning sickness for once...I still need about 3 more weeks before I feel like I'm going to pull this off).

Like you, I had a recent ectopic...mine was in March--I lost that tube and the doctor said they'd grant me a hysterectomy since I've had female problems up the ying yang in addition to the miscarriages...I managed to concieve 2nd cycle after tube removal and it was a complete surprise.

One thing I'm going to tell you...don't waste your breath trying to explain how you feel to people who haven't had this...I have cried too many times over "friends" who "don't get it". 

Again, hugs and if it'll help you, you can email me off this board...I'd be glad to go thru this with someone instead of being talked at by all the normal people.

 

 

 

 

Avatar for cowboys_grl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 9:24pm

oh, I forgot to say, the thing that keeps me going is, I also believe in miracles......so I do have hope.  :smileywink:

Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 9:58pm
Hello Karri, I know how hard it is even to join the pregnant after a loss group let alone the expecting club when you have lost multiple pregnancies in the first trimester. I had to leave the November 2012 club earlier this year. When I first got this subsequent positive pregnancy test, I felt most comfortable lurking in the TTC after a loss board, because I could hardly admit that I was pregnant again. Finally I joined the pregnancy after a loss board again. At least with this board, leaving in the event of a loss isn't as difficult as it was with the expecting club. I needed the support anyways. The ladies on the November expecting club wished me well as I left but it wasn't the same as the encouragement I received from the pregnancy after a loss group when I had another miscarriage. We would love to have you join us. There are no expectations on the pregnancy after a loss board--just support. And in my experience, the earlier I was in my pregnancies, the greater the fear and the more I needed a place to be encouraged. I have had four losses. Two miscarriages before my two daughters were born (one was a missed miscarriage), then another miscarriage before my son was born, and then a blighted ovum without bleeding in March of this year. Freaking out in the first trimester is normal. Come freak out with us. But if you're not ready, we'll be here for you when you are ready to join.

Dyan

Due May 1, 2013 by ultrasound (April 27, 2013 by LMP)

Married DH 12/27/99

Mom to DD 9, DD 6, DS 3

PCOS; 4 miscarriages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 5:07am
Thanks, I posted, but I will probably just lurk for now. My labs came back 73.8 and 130...not quite double. It freaks me out, but it is within the 72 hr range so I am praying it is enough to be a good start. I have bloodwork again Friday (4 days in between). I was just hoping for a clear cut answer so I could relax a little.

Karri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 9:24pm
Hi Karri,
First off, congratulations!!! :smileyhappy:
I had 6 back to back losses over an almost 4 year period before my DD, and I understand how difficult it is to not be anxious and fearful. I went to a counselor during my some of my pg's so that I could just talk about how I was feeling. In my successful pg., I can't say that I wasn't worried, but I made sure that I talked to my DH about my worries. I tried to be optimistic and celebrated each day that I was pg. Don't get me wrong, I constantly checked the TP and obsessed over every symptom (or lack of symptoms). I did have a different dr. for my pg. with my DD and he was soooo nurturing and supportive and I really feel that he helped me so much! I was also on a bunch of new meds and I just held on to the hope that this pg. was going to be the one. We are going to begin ttc again in the next few months and I am nervous to get back onto the roller coaster of emotions. I was so close to giving up hope that I would ever have a successful pg. with my DD and I am now looking at my happy, healthy girl who is truly my miracle baby. I found acupuncture worked to help keep me calm during my first trimester and I was able to talk to my acupuncturist to explain how I was feeling. If you ever need to talk to someone, we're here for you!!!

T.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 4:50am
thanks everyone. I am doing accupuncture, which I love and do feel is helpful. I am actually going today. Saturdays HCG was 73.8 and Monday was 130...not quite double so that is freaking me out a little, but it is less than 72 hrs for doubling so I am praying that it's enough (60). I go back for more bloodwork tomorrow. Just doing my best to stay calm...

Karri