Says he loves me, but is not "in love" with me - 7 month relationship. Help :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2012
Says he loves me, but is not "in love" with me - 7 month relationship. Help :(
8
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 10:11pm

If you want some background on this, I have another thread here: 

http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Working-On-Your-Relationship/I-feel-so-emotionally-disconnected-from-my-bf-since-he-brought/td-p/119726427

 

If you don't want to read that thread, long story short, we were talking about whether or not something might be missing in the relationship, and he told me he sees me as more than a friend, but the feelings are more friend-like rather than a romantic-partner-like - we've been dating for 7 months, and we've been officially bf/gf for 4 months. when he told me that, I told him that we need a break, and we sort of ended things. Today we texted and had a conversation - he told me during our discussion that he loves me, but he's not in love with me. He doesn't know why. He doesn't know if it's too soon to fall in love. At the same time he doesn't want to keep me roped in. But he's also uncertain about whether he's making a big mistake by letting me go. 

I told him I definitely sensed something was missing throughout the relationship (like the romance aspect of it). He told me that was because he was over compensating for his doubts and holding back so that he won't lead me on during the entire relationship. But at the same time, every free time we get, we spend it together. There was no question about it - we took it for granted that if we're both not working during the weekends, we spend it together. 

Am I doing the right thing? Did I make the decision to end things too soon after just 7 months? 2 months into our relationship, he did break up with me telling me that he saw me as a friend and he was afraid that I was moving too fast - at that point, we had the same scenario as right now, but I decided I should give him more time to see if he grows feelings for me. Should I give him even more time?? I know it's not just about the time, but I'm just so afraid that one day I'll wake up and he'll tell me that he found someone that he was "in love" with. And seeing as in how he's been having doubts since the beginning, isn't there a good chance that I was just a placeholder for him all along till he finds the girl that he thinks is "the one"?? He said he wants to continue dating me though.

I asked him if his ex came back (well it really wans't his ex. It was his fantasy girl - she kept leading him on for a year and a half and then finally started to totally ignore him - he's never been in a relationship with her), he'd want to pursue things with her - he said "perhaps yes. but I've lost hope of that". I definitely do feel very much like a consolation prize right now...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2012
*sigh* it feels so much more real when someone else confirms it for me. :smileysad: One of my friends told me I was led on all along - but somehow, I don't see it. Maybe he is right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

I don't think he lead you on.   I think he gave it his best shot,  And for whatever reason, the relationship didn't gel into place for him.  

I wouldn't continue dating him.   If he hasn't fallen for you at this stage, I doubt he will in the future.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

Unfortunately, I have to concur that more time won't help things. From two months on, he was seeing that you weren't the type of woman he wanted for a relationship. I myself could tell pretty fast if a woman was right for me. I proposed to my wife our first weekend together.

So, you just need to let go here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

When someone is afraid to fall in love (like I was after my divorce), they look for just about any reason to disqualify a potential, long term mate. It doesn't mean that they do not want to fall in love or that the mate they are considering will be or should be disqualified, it's just they way they lean.

It took the woman that I am engaged to a solid year to win me over and we almost broke it off for good twice due to my insecurities. However, your situation could be quite different than ours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2012

We've discussed it in depth several times over the past couple of days - in a very logical fashion.... and when it comes down to it, I've realized that the things he is talking about is the feelings of "in love" that you see and read about. I've had that feeling with my ex - but those feelings are something I can definitely live without. I would never trade the companionship, love and support that I get and have come to expect from my current bf, for the "in love" feelings I had with my ex - my relationship with my ex was a disaster even with all those romantic feelings. I asked my bf if he needs those feelings in a relationship, and he said he thinks he does. He says even though he's a romantic person at heart, he is very hesitant to express himself that way towards me (although I do wake up to amazing massages if he think I was going through a rough time - which I think is fairly romantic in it's own right).

When it comes down to it, I don't think I've felt "in love" with my bf either. I've just never analyzed it all this much. Do we really need the "in love" feeling in the relationship?? Should we both just part ways and find someone who we can fall madly in love with? Or would we be giving up something special just because we don't feel "in love" with each other? Is the "in love" feeling just lust that fades away after a while??

He said we'd both still be together if I hadn't questioned where his heart was a couple of weeks back :smileysad: Currently we're taking some time off from the relationship to see if the "in love" feeling was just something that we feel when we don't get what we want and start to miss the other person. We still text each other a bit everyday though, although we're both a mess from being apart. :smileysad:

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Everybody probably has a slightly different set of needs from their partner. I don't think anyone can tell you exactly what you need. I think we can tell you that your needs do not seem to be being met by this guy.

Sometimes two people can go along as you two were, for a long time, seemingly happy. It may not be what one or both of them really want, but neither is prepared to rock the boat, make a change, etc. I think its good that you decided to rock the boat to see if its really floating.