Alone in a crowd of people..
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|Sun, 10-07-2012 - 1:40am|
Had a huge event today that put everyone from both of my jobs in one place, including Cowboy. Everything was going great until I got devastating news about a family member. I found a quiet corner and pulled myself together and was doing fine until Cowboy came up behind me and asked me if something was wrong. No one else there could see through my fake smile or hear that the laughter was forced except him. It was like a knife to my heart. The very man that understands me the most is the one I might never have to myself. All I wanted to do was turn around and collapse in his arms sobbing but all I could do was smile and tell him that I was just tired. He didn't buy it and cornered me again outside where he pulled the story out of me. It hurts. All I wanted today was to be held tight and told it would be okay. To feel safe for a few moments. All he could do was scoot in next to me at the rail and touch his arm to mine, grab my waist as he scooted past me and squeeze my shoulder in passing. It just made my heart ache more. Before he left he looked at me and told me that all he wanted to do was hold me and kiss the top of my head (and can I just say, I love finally being short enough that a guy can do that?). That's exactly what I needed. In the end, I had to watch him drive away and leave me standing there alone in a crowd of people. That part sucked.
How can this not be real though? How can someone so horrible at reading other people see right through to my soul and know exactly what I'm thinking or what I'm needing? How could I put him aside and say, "This is too soon. This can't be real. I need to date other people first."? I just keep thinking of the quote "The heart knows what the mind cannot understand."
I'm going to go sleep for a few hours and then I'm going to text him and see if he can meet me for a couple of hours. He may say no but I can't seem to get past the idea that he may say yes. I may cause myself more hurt if he does say no but the idea of him saying yes makes the risk worth it this time. I'm sunk deep.