D day...or a big bluff

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
D day...or a big bluff
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 6:15pm
Ok, if anyone remembers my previous post, my h and I are going through a D. He has long suspected that I have been having an A, but I have always been very careful. Well, recently I left my phone unlocked and he found some text messages, nothing very racy, but flirty, etc and because my APs nickname is the contact rather than using his real name.

So this has fueled his desire to get dirt on me. Today he tells me I know you are messing around with "ap's full name". AP and I work together so I have to admit to knowing him through work and that he is a friend, but deny deny deny everything else.

H says "well I hired a private investigator and I have a folder full of information". Trouble is, I think he ia bluffing. So I will continue to deny until he plops a video in my lap or something. I think he suspects but has no prrof and is trying to trick me into confessing.

Anyway, problem is now that I am super paranoid. I told AP and he is freaking out of course and I'm feeling slightly abandoned by him. He wants to "cool it" for a while. We have never "cooled it" and I'm jumping to all kinds of crazy conclusions, worrying he will get scared off and think I'm not worth the risk now.

I don't know what to do, how careful I need to be. Honestly I don't care at this point if H knows, but I want to protect my AP...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 9:57pm

I think you should cool it until your divorce is final--you don't know if he could use that info against you.  Right now if he has no info, you are safe, but when he already suspects, then why take the risk?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 9:35am
Based on what you have written, I call out bluff, why would he 'mention' the proof and not present it to you? I would keep denying and keeping low for a while that being - reduce your rendezvous, leave your phone lying around unlocked etc. and remember not to change your patterns around your H.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 9:41am

I'm going to agree with the others, I say you both go into radio silence and wait until the divorce is final or at least until you and your soon-to-be-ex husband cease living with each other.  Don't worry about the AP, if he bails over something like this, then he's not worth squat anyways.  I'm betting he will not bail though and he's just concerned over things blowing up.  Also the hubby is bluffing - you're right to deny deny deny...

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 10:49am

Until the D is final, I would cool off things too.  Yeah, that means no contact, definitely no making out in public.  lol 

I think that he is bluffing also, that he hired a private investigator, but he may have someone following you and taking pics or something.  Until he presents you the evidence, you just don't know.  I wouldn't give him any more reason for him to get any evidence, and I would continue to deny, deny, deny. 

Lots o' luck!!! 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2009
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 11:14am

You need to cool things down to NC until your D is final. When I found texts to and from a co-worker on H's phone I confronted him, he lied, I knew he was lying and that made me determined to find the truth, which I did even though it took me months. So if your H is suspicious, and as determined as I was to find the truth, he possibly will have you followed in the future even if he was bluffing about having done it already. Be careful, don't take any chances if you truly want to protect AP.

Kat xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 2:38pm
He has no concrete evidence and right now he's just reaching. I'd be very careful and have very little contact with AP. I wouldn't admit to anything. Don't leave any trails on your cell phone. Don't chat with him at home or in your car. You never know if your H is recording your calls. Also if you email at home be careful that he doesn't have a keylogger which gives him access to all your emails ect. Don't give him any ammunition to get dirt on you and remain steps ahead until your D.


Much peace & Love,



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 2:39pm
Good luck to you. Be careful too. When people are upset, hurt, paranoid they can act irrationally. If at any time you feel your husbands behavior could get violent leave the house. Even the most docile of people can shock you when they are really upset. Take care of yourself and gping as LC as you can is a great idea.