Husband cheated before and after we were married with the same woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2012
Husband cheated before and after we were married with the same woman.
5
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 7:10pm
I have been married for one year. I recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me with a coworker of ours prior to us getting married, as well as just months ago. I feel like a fool, I feel betrayed by both of them and feel like it is all a sham. He says it meant nothing and he does not even like the 'woman' he cheated with. She is also married and has numerous children(we have none). I can not seem to not think about what these two did, and can not seem to stop crying on a weekly basis. He was my soul mate- My best friend- and now I can not even kiss him. I hurt badly, and i am confused. I love him, yet I feel something is now missing in my head and heart. Is this over?
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  It seems from your writing that he is enjoying sexual relationships.  Many people (both sexes) are never going to be monogamous nor do they truly want to be.  The question is are your needs being met?  Can you and H talk about this and come to a negotiation? 

  IMO there are values in dealing with reality.  At least you read as able to bring this up to him.  My suggestion is starting with frank honesty.  Finding the truth of motivation is the important part.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2012
My needs were being neglected. He always said he was unhappy with himself and that was the reason we were not intimate. Now- he can't seem to stay away from me. I now have the problem of not wanting him to touch me. I'm hoping that time heals, but its been over a month and I can't seem to let it go in the least.
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

You seem to be in a catch 22.   If you indulge in sex to get your needs met then the emotional negativity will need to be dealt with.  I strongly suggest this is a dangerous time. The time it takes to get to the bottom of each other's realities is also the time when it can go very wrong trapping both in a death spiral. I will write something I have observed in cases like this in the past:the woman gets pregnant.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Since he seems to be so casual about this then maybe you should ask him if it would be allright if you were having "meaningless sex" with a male coworker.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2012
Wow, I'd be mad. How does an annulment work? I'd be checking. If you had no idea he was cheating before and then get married… I'd be outta there. That's no way to start a life together. You need some time to process this without him around. Can you live happily with him knowing how easy it was for him to get away with. There will be trust issues for a while. I still wonder about my husband. I try not to think about it. Only way to move forward.