50 Shades of...Dom!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
50 Shades of...Dom!?
16
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 10:50pm
I had suggested to my DW to read "50 Shades" series some time ago. She finally got around to it this past week. I think she was hesitant to do so for fear it may raise expectations or false hopes. Truthfully, I was also a bit concerned when I considered the implications should the book fail to stoke her libido at all as it seems to have done for so many other LL women.

Thankfully, she did get into the books (she's part way through book 2 as of today). I am happy to report that they definitely had a positive effect so far, leading to a very rare 3rd session in a week -- and, at her request, a doubleheader at that (a first for her)!

Most interesting to me was discovering that she identified more with the dom Christian than the sub Anastasia. In retrospect, it makes sense to me but I didn't expect that going into it. Sexually, she is more comfortable being in control, and the few positive sexual associations she seems to have from before me are ones where she was in control.

We did incorporate some light dom/sub play in this last session (although we switched roles back partway through at her request). It was a bit awkward at first for us both as we pushed past our usual scripts and comfort zones, but it turned out to be the best sexual experience we've ever had together. I'm not sure how long this effect will carry forward but it seemed to be the beginning of a breakthrough of sorts for us.

For those of you whose spouses also responded to the series, have you observed a lasting boost to their libido? Have they sought out other erotica since then? Any other effects, positive or negative?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 9:42am
I'm at a disadvantage in that I haven't read the books. But we've been discussing what she's reading as she goes. I've been consciously trying to reset expectations along the way in an effort to make this a positive change as much as possible.

Another interesting and welcome side effect has been a general increase in direct and indirect affection from DW. So more casual touching, more loving looks, more "I love yous". My libido has always been bound up to my affection, but it seems that many LLs have claimed to have a separation between the two. So this fact sheds some interesting light on that idea.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 2:35pm

I'm not sure how long this effect will carry forward but it seemed to be the beginning of a breakthrough of sorts for us. As we have all learned here, ones sexuality has incredible power to affect a relationship. If you have awoken the 'sleeping giant," assuming such a thing exists in your DW, hopefully all of her desire stays at home and you will find it mutually enjoyable.

At least this is my most recent insecurity with my LDR fiance as she went from - only trying the toy I got her (and needing lots of lube, not liking it, never again, etc.) to her toy being her new best friend with no lube needed.

Makes one wonder where things will eventually land.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 4:10pm

If you have awoken the 'sleeping giant," assuming such a thing exists in your DW, hopefully all of her desire stays at home...

The sleeping giant, if it exists, is but stirring at this point.  I'm no naive fool -- I am firmly in the "trust but verify" school of thinking -- but it would take quite a lot for her to ever stray, for a whole host of reasons.  (An emotional affair, on the other hand, is FAR more likely but still not something I really worry about at this time.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 10:11pm

Man, any progress is just that.  That you've charted a steady course and stuck to it,  is certainly to your credit.  Most men either can't or just simply don't do that.  I speak from experience.

To the subject:  50 Shades trilogy.  I read all three in rapid succession.  Not great prose, lots of redundancy, but when your DW gets to the third one, it seems E.L. James has become a more mature writer.  She foreshadows upcoming events, draws out the suspense, and it's just the best of the three. The first one set the stage; Two just did elapsed time: Three gave us readers satisfactory closure.  I've read better "erotica" and possibly written some.  D. H. Lawrence's "Lady's Chatterly's Lover" is still my favorite.

Bear in mind, as a woman, I "see" with my mind, odd as that may seem.  I am HL, and until recently married to a SA.  Cut me some slack, please.

You seem to be a patient and understanding man.  That's a valuable attribute.  Keep it up!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 10:44am

Do you worry that once the first effects of the book wear off that you will be back to square one?

Yes, I actually worry more being worse off since it's hard to predict where things will settle once you decide to shake things up.  As I mentioned, we've been discussing the book from the start.  She just finished with the 2nd one last night.  I asked her last night if she thought she would continue to read other erotic books once she was done with this series.  She said that she wasn't sure because the books are messing with her mind a bit.  She said it makes her feel like our RL is lacking in romance.  She went on to add that she knows it does, and she knows that that's why I had suggested that she read these books in the first place.  I reassured her that while it's absolutely true that I have wanted more passion and romance in our RL, I am realistic and would not expect things to be anything like the books.  I told her my concern was that she would have unrealistic expectations after reading the books.

This morning during our breakfast routine getting the kids ready for school, she was telling me about how the 2nd book ended.  I used that opportunity to once again emphasize how unrealistic the book was.  (I specifically said that if people did the things in real life that the Christian Grey did, they would be called stalkers!  She agreed with that.)

So it remains to be seen how this all shakes out.  But I felt that we did need some shaking up because, while things have been ok for a while, we are still very far from where I would like to be.  And it's not even so much about the sex as it is about my wish for more affection in general.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 7:15pm
<<She basically told you she wants more romance. Give it to her! >>

Actually, I have been the one asking for more passion and romance until recently. Right now we are trying to navigate exactly what that entails for each of us.
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Sun, 11-11-2012 - 6:16am

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Sun, 11-11-2012 - 6:17am

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Sun, 11-11-2012 - 6:18am

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