Need advice desperately

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2009
Need advice desperately
7
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 11:00pm

Hi all.  About a month ago, I started texting and talking to this guy I met online.  We seem to have hit it off.  He texts me good morning every morning, he will text during his breaks at work, and then in the evenings.  We decided to meet.  The problem is he lives 12 hours away.  So we decided to meet half way each.  We were suppose to meet this past weekend, but last week I got sick so we are rescheduling.  ( I am 50, he is 53).

About two weeks ago, he started texting sex stuff.  What he wants to do, etc.  I kinda responded back and forth with him, but last week he started to text me pictures of himself, and then wanting me to send him pics of myself, which I did not do.  For some reason this weekend, I decided to google his screen name, and what pops up is on one site he is looking for "hot sexy woman to either, phone fantasies, 1 on 1 sex, 3 somes, and other stuff.  What also came up showing he has an account with adultism, an online sex site. 

Needless to say, I am heart broken.  I really thought we had a connection, thought even though he lived far away, I was willing to meet him and give it a shot.  He said he was looking for a long term relationship, but after finding all that, I think he is just looking for an online sex partner, and no more. 

It really bothered me to find that out about him.  I really thought he was different.  Do I confront him with what I found out, or do I just not talk to him anymore?  I really like him, and I could never meet him knowing I would have my heart broken.

Any advice is very much appreciated...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2009
Wed, 10-17-2012 - 7:03am

Hi San,

Well he finally got in touch with me to find out why I wasn't talking to him.  So I finally told him about the xtube account he had and the adultism, and that he lied by saying he was looking for a relationship and I now realize what kind he is looking for.   His response was "you know you are always looking to find something wrong with me, goodbye christine". 

I guess he realized I found out, huh?

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 1:29am

I agree with the others that this guy does sound like a pervert. However, I disagree that discussing sex before meeting someone long distance is inappropriate.

I am a 49 year old man. I have had two relationships that started online and were long distance, one of which was with my future wife.  One woman was in Australia at the time. The other woman was in Michigan. I live in NYC. Before making the significant effort to meet them, I really wanted to know we were on the same page and there was a good chance she was the love of my life. I composed a series of essay questions. I asked about relationships with friends and family, attitudes towards religion, attitudes towards spending money, handling anger and grudges, how neat she liked to keep her home, etc. I'd include my answer with the question and await her answer. Well, eventually, I did ask sex related questions--attitudes towards shaving below, sexual positions, etc. This is indeed relevant and important information about compatibility.

What is different from your situation that it was clear I was asking to assess compatibility for a longterm relationship, not trying to get my jollies.

Anyway, as said before, I did meet my wife online--and long distance. I was 44 and she was 43 when we married, the first marriage for both of us. So, there is hope, although you might kiss a lot of frogs to find that prince.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 12:33pm

It's good you found out now before you spent time & money going to meet him.  I think the tipoff would have been that he started talking about sex & sending dirty pictures--I think that's totally inappropriate for someone you haven't met.  Unless you live in a very remote area where there are no men, I'd suggest limiting your search to men who are much closer to you geographically--like 2 hours max, so meeting them is not going to be such an event.  I limit my search to guys who are within 1 hour because I live near a big city anyway so there are plenty of men to choose from.  I want someone I can actually date without too much bother, I know I'm not going to move,etc. so long distance does not appeal to me.  I want to email a few times, and then just meet up right away.  It's not like that's going to get rid of the guys who are only looking for hookups but then if you find them, it's not wasting too much of your time.  My friend lives in a very small town out West so she really has to do long distance.  She did talk to this guy for a while (email & then phone) and got to know him pretty well before they met.  I don't think there was any kind of inappropriate talk before they met.  She went to visit him & stayed in a hotel--they did end up having sex, but it was her choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2009
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 12:10pm

Thanks San. As I told Floridagirl, he called last night, was looking for phone sex, when he realized he wasn't getting it, he ended the call abruptly and was cold.  I haven't heard from him today, and he always texts good morning to me.  I guess I have my answer as to what kind of relationship he is looking for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2009
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 12:07pm

Thank you Floridagirl, I appreciate that.   He called me last night and wanted phone sex, and when I wouldn't, he got all cold and had to go.  I haven't heard from him since, and he always wishes me good morning.  So, I believe I have my answer as to what kind of relationship he is looking for.  I thought I was smarter than this, but I guess I was fooled.  I'm sure I won't be hearing from him anymore, but I feel like just texting him and letting him know what a fool I'm NOT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 9:51am
I think that most men who participate in OLD places a profile in an adult site out of curiosity. My advice is to ask him...say you Googled his user name and found him on an adult site and see what his reaction is. Ask if he's participated in any of the choices...1 on 1, 3 somes etc...you have nothing to lose...you're prepared to walk away anyway. If he gets defensive that you Googled him walk away...if not listen to him then explain to him what you're looking for and talk it out.

Time to be super honest!! Good luck!!

San
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 9:17am

Once I Googled a username because it was in Latin, and I wanted the translation. Lo and behold, this same username pops up on six dating sites, one of them adult. I knew it was the same guy because he had posted a photo. I'm really surprised that these guys don't even change their usernames. I routinely Google usernames now because of this, and I have found several men on Match.com who are also on adult sites.

There's nothing wrong per se with using an adult dating site, but I personally would not date a man who was using one, just as I would not want to date a man who was sleeping with random hook-ups--or anyone else for that matter. I have a hard time believing a man looking for sex on the web is serious relationship material. I personally would be disgusted with a man I have never met sending overtly sexual comments and photos (I'm assuming the photos were X-rated?)

It's up to you whether you want to confront him or not. I personally would. It's good that you found out now before you met. I know it's disappointing. Online dating is like the wild west and it's not for sissies. You can just count on this kind of thing. I do happen to think there are very decent and relationship-oriented men online, so you just have to separate the wheat from the chaff.