The blame game.
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|Mon, 10-08-2012 - 12:13am|
I hope I do not offend anyone with this post...it is not my intent. I just have something on my mind and "all sides of an affair" seemed the right place to put it.
My H had an affair. After I had found out and everyone had been confronted and the proverbial "sh#t hit the fan" I got so tired of hearing the OW say..."you have no right to be mad at me, I never made you any promises you should be mad at him". Trust me...I DID PLACE the blame on him. He WAS the one who violated my trust and our marriage vows. But, are we not taught as children to not hurt other people? Thats where I get angry and confused at the OW. I have asked myself that as a woman if I wanted a man and he was someone else husband or SO...would MY want and desire be justification to do something behind this other persons back? To instead of saying to him " I want you, but I will not be with you until you have left your wife/SO because she has a right to not kiss/have sex/tell you she loves you while you are having sex with me"?
I have read so many posts where the OW seems to hate the wife ( SOME posts...not all. I am not lumping all OW together). I hae read a comment once that went like " you dont owe her any apology" and this was after the OW made a comment about possibly being spotted going into "their" home. Okay, the husband made a choice when he was with the OW..but my god..the wifes home too? I cannot understand how any OW could want or desire a man so much that it would become allright to hurt another woman that way...another HUMAN that way. If I saw someone about to be hit by a car I wouldnt OWE them my life by trying to push them out of the way..I wouldnt know them from jack...but as a FEELING person..I would try to save them from being hurt.
I read a comment from OW once that said in essance " I wanted to move to close to them just to show the wife how much prettier and thinner I was then her". She had never met the wife. The husband just wouldnt leave the wife for her...so she wanted to apparently shred the wife for winning. In my mind alot of the time the wife doesnt even know she is winning...she doesnt even know she is in a contest and how do you WIN something that is supposed to be yours already? Sometimes I wonder, after awhile when the OW realizes that HE is not going to leave the wife for her. That the future relationship she has been building in her mind is not going to happen...she starts to hate/resent the wife. To wich I guess I would say to her.."hate him, he was the one making promises..not me".
My husbands OW quite literally wanted my life. I found out later she was telling people how she was going to redecorate my house and wich room her kids would have. She even said she would be driving my car. And man, did she ever hate me when my husband chose to stay married and work on our marriage. It was like I took something from HER??!! When he told her that he had made a mistake and that he loved me she called me screaming mean things...like I let her down?
In our town over the week-end there was a big thing on the radio of a shooting. Apparently Mr. Smith was having an affair with Ms. White. for quite awhile, and Mrs. Smith didnt know jack about it. Mr. Smith decided he loved his wife and wanted to come clean. He took her to their cabin and told her about the affair. They took a walk to talk it over and figure out how to go about saving the marriage. When they got back to the cabin, lo and behold Ms. White is waiting for them. There is a confrontation and Ms. White pulls a gun and aims it at MRS. SMITH ( not Mr. Smith!) and yells "die b#tch" and shoots at her...nine times. Even chasing her into the cabin and shooting thru the locked bathroom door. Thank god Mrs. Smith was not killed but my point here is...why didnt she shoot Mr. Smith?? Why is it when the affair is found out you shouldnt blame the OW cuz the husband broke the promises...but when the husband chooses the wife..the OW hates the wife cuz the husband broke his promises to HER?
When two people begin an affair it is not just them involved. You bring in another person ( or two) but the sad thing is that this third(4th) person doesnt sign up for it. They dont get to make the choice...it is made for them. Not to mention kids if either have them. But in the end if your a wife like me sometimes not only are you dragged into your husband and the OW's choice..the upheaval when it happens is dropped into your lap. I dont think it's fair.
Yes, I know...MY HUSBAND is the one who let me down. HE betrayed me. HE broke our vows. He takes the major if not all of the blame. But...as another woman...someone I had never harmed, she also let me down. It was called faith in other people...that if you dont hurt others they wont hurt you. I would not have done it to her..and I didnt even know her.
I know all OW are not cut from the same cloth. I know they are not all hatefull mean people. I am talking from my expierance and from alot of what I have read.
Who is to blame in the long run? I would now tell her Both of you...he should have got out first and THEN started a relationship. Her because you dont sh#t on another human being to get what you want. Dont hate me because he didnt/wouldnt/will never leave me for you...I DIDNT MAKE YOU ANY PROMISES.