This is long but I need to just write it down

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2010
This is long but I need to just write it down
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 9:29am

I thought this pregnancy was going to be my best pregnancy and I was going to enjoy it so much.  My last 2 I was in a loveless marriage and he never went to any of the appointments and I was on my own.  I raised all 3 of my kids on my own without my husband being around.  Did last 2 pregnancies by myself completely.  I have lived on my own for the last 6 yrs.  Finally decided to get a divorce last January.  Ran into my highschool sweetheart and we started dating.  He was going thru a divorce also.  Couldn't have been happier.  Found out I was pregnant we both were elated but I miscarried in late march.  Got thru all that and found out I was pregnant again in June.  We both were scared of losing the baby so we didn't get our hopes up.  As the weeks passed we got more and more excited.  But I have had several complications.  I have had kidney stones and have an irritable uterus.  The beginning of September Matt proposed to me and things couldn't be better.  I love him, he is great with my kids and we all were happy.  One week after that I started getting text messages from his soon to be ex wife that matt had been having sex with both of us the whole time blah blah blah.  Said he was sending her nude photos and such and all the late nights he stays at work he is either with her or another woman.  She just recently found out I was pregnant.  I didn't believe her but then she sent a letter thru her attorney accusing him of all the above things and how she is scared for her life.  I cried and cried and cried!!  I don't think I have ever cried so much, and he just walked over to me and put his head in my lap and said don't let her ruin what we have.  She just isn't happy and is trying to make us miserable.  One week after all that died down my brother died (35 yrs old) of a heart attack.  Cried and cried some more.  The day he died I had to go to OB because I was having real contractions!!  They kept me over night and gave me fluids and some medications.  This pregnancy is the worst.  I can't take much more.  Now every time he stays late at work which is almost every night because he owns his own business I totally freak out.  I wonder could he be with someone else.  Dealing with Matt and possibly cheating and brothers death at the same time has completely left me depressed and having contractions.  I want this all to be over!!  A couple of days after my brother died my ex did finally sign the divorce papers after 3 months of sitting on them and Matt's ex finally agreed on signing the papers also.  So we both will be completely divorced in 2 weeks.  Matt came to me and set a wedding date of December 31st.  We have started planning our wedding and this weekend we even bought our rings.  I don't think he would go thru all of this trouble to marry me if he was sleeping with other women would he?  I know he loves me, we have both loved each other the whole 16 yrs we were apart.  We didn't see each other for 16 yrs and when we saw each other it was like nothing had ever changed. ( I went off to college)  We both were each other first love.  I'm just scared.  I'm scared and depressed and I want this all to be over with.  I don't want to have to raise another baby on my own either.  I just don't know what to do.  Sorry this got so long.  I just needed to write it all down.

Lilypie Maternity tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2003
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 10:53pm
Thinking of you and praying for you! I am so sorry you are going through so much right now. I just wanted to echo what some of the others have said by saying don't feel that you have to rush into marriage. Trust is such an important foundation of a healthy marriage. Maybe it would be a good idea to sit down with a counselor to talk things through once or twice?

My husband is a minister and does marriage counseling on a regular basis. If you are familiar with a minister you trust, many of them will offer counseling at no charge.

Hoping things get better for you...
Proud mama to 3 princesses... Anna Jubilee (6), Sadie Lael, (4) and Abigail Lo
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2008
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 12:14pm

((HUGS)).. Like Dani said, its hard to give an opinion.  I also agree that if you have any doubts do not rush into a marriage.  The marriage will only make things morw difficult.  If your BF is on the up in up.. or not on the up in up, time will tell.  You don't want to drive yourself crazy wonder what he is doing.  So you will either have to deceide if you trust him or you don't and then go from there.  Its a hard decision since many guys out there are dogs and probably would do what his ex wife said, but then again there are many that won't.

----"Never give up on something that you can't stop thinking about every second of every day."----


Avatar for dani20002000
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2000
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 10:48am

First off...I want to offer you some (((HUgs))).  You have really had a rough time recently.  Once again, I am so sorry about the loss of your brother.

As far as your BF is concerned.  It's hard to comment as an outsider on what you should do since I don't really know him or his character.  I can offer this thought though.....there is no reason to rush the wedding if you have ANY doubts or concerns.  Follow your intuition.  He really needs to understand that you may need time to build a trusting relationship.  Without trust and good communication...what do you really have?  I'd rather be alone than in a relationship/marriage where I couldn't trust.  I speak from experience.

My ex husband had an affair that resulted in a child (daughter) out of wedlock.  None of this unraveled untils she was almost a year old and I received an anonymous phone call one day.  The truth all came out.  It was crushing at the time.  There was no way I could live a lie and for a long time I felt that his cheating was a reflectionon me but with time I realized that was not the case and that he owned his choices.  We never communicated well.

I have excellent communication with my new husband.  I keep a great relationship with my ex for the sake of the kids.  I refuse to hold on to anger.  We have both moved on.  My kids see their half sister very often and she is welcome in my home.  He is not with her mother any longer.

I was not trying to turn this post around to be about me....moreso, to let you know that I understand how devastating cheating can be and I relate.  I never judge what happened to me against another person's situation either.  Ever individual has their own choice to make and that decision should be respected.  I do wish you all the best and I hope that you are able to find peace and contentment real soon! :heart:

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