I Just Want My Life Back!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
I Just Want My Life Back!
16
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 1:54pm

I know this is an all-too-familiar theme here, but I feel like I am losing my MIND, three weeks out from NC with xAP (okay - really 1 week since I sent him a txt msg a week ago today to say, "hope you're doing ok" w/ no response - taught me a lesson NOT to do THAT again).

I can ALSO see him online as part of Yahoo's new email console version of Messenger.  I deleted him weeks ago, but I can STILL see him when he's online there.  Tried and tried to delete him there, but it doesn't work.  Evidently he has to delete ME for it to be final.  He either wants that tether to me or can't be bothered.

I keep checking and re-checking his FB page (my only other line to him, where I'm not even a FB friend).

In the meantime, can't stand my Narcissist PD H.  Thank heavens I have an appt to see a (highly recommended) therapist tomorrow!  I want my life back!  UGH!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 4:50pm
I have heard that it is possible but extremely unlikely.
And then you have to deal with the whole, is it fair to your spouse to be friends with someone you had an A with, ever?

In the beginning of my ending (and I know I am not unusual in this), I did hope and think that maybe we could be friends again some day. BUT the further out I am the less I think I would even want this if it were possible.

I mean, think of the scenario: xAP and I are friends again many years from now. What if he did try to restart the A? I would be so incredibly p*ssed. Like, seriously, buddy did you think I was just sitting around all these years waiting for you to make another move, you have some ego, blah blah blah.

I also think I would never really be me with him again. I got badly hurt in the A. He was much less open with me than he had been in our previous 10 year friendship. I know this is because he became self-protective. But it sometimes made me feel like a blow up doll. I felt like I was LESS of a friend than I ahd been previously.

So even if he swore on his children's lives he would never try to cross the line again, I just don't know that I would be the real ME with him anymore, KWIM?

I just don't trust him as much as I once did.

So, no I don't think you can be friends again.

I will say this though. When I ended, that thought devastated me. Now, this far out (17 months out of the A and 9+ months NC), I care a lot less about that than I used to and now generally accept it as one of the prices to be paid.

It gets better, i promise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 4:58pm

Thank you, Clarity!

There was a time when I would have considered the act of going to therapy to be a weakness.  When I left and divorced my first husband - on top of moving 450 miles away to a new city where I knew just one person, and starting a new job - I toughed it out alone.  It was a very difficult time; a time that was needlessly prolonged by not getting the good help I needed.  Little wonder that I had trouble meeting new people (let alone men) - I'm sure I came across as being extremely depressed, vulnerable and needy!  I was just not myself at all. 

This time around, pursuing good therapy with a qualified counselor is 1000% the best gift I can give to myself.

I hope this post is helpful to some of my other sisters and brothers who are suffering alone.  Please, if anyone reading this is struggling with their recovery, I urge you to ask close friends and/or people you trust for recommendations on a good therapist.  Don't stick with just one - interview several and go with the one you like the most.  It's an incredibly healthy step in getting through this very difficult and challenging time.

((HUGS))

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