Monday weigh-in

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Monday weigh-in
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 2:02pm

and thank goodness I don't mean on the scale, huh!

More I just want you to weigh in on how you are doing.  Tell us where you are at...what's helping you...what you think might be keeping you stuck.

If you need some help in a particular area, let us know...not that we won't chime in anyway with ideas or suggestions to unstick you :smileywink:

group ((((hug))))



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 5:19pm
Hey Clarity
I am 5 months NC to the day! Still working my way outta the grime but feeling positive and much more engaged in RL and that feels really good. Im over my bout of anger with him doing the decent thing and maintaining NC!!! 

Im peeling back some profoundly personal stuff in therapy at the moment, not necessarily A related, but it is helping with the weighing up of it all....

And of course with Autumn now here I am keeping an eye out for him just so I am prepared should I sight him through the swirling mists. (when we last spoke he said he would be back home in Autumn), I don't know if that is a good or bad thing but it does keep him ever present and that much I know is not so good. What is good is that he hasn't returned thus far, but then that leads to wondering why. Still Im progressing in the right direction, onwards with no looking back.... Oh and I started my Christmas shopping so Im now offically excited :smileyhappy:

Sunny Soon Xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 5:26pm

I am doing good!!! A run in with a colleague last week over work remits compounded by work interaction with xAP sent me into a huge tailspin on Friday and Saturday. Ended with me with puffy eyes on a Saturday morning staring at myself in the mirror - WWIT?

BUT - hit the boards. Reread old posts by some legends on here (check out Maristow/shouldnobetter- awesome women). And basically huge fog busting session. As you know I work daily with xAP and have only recently got to the stage of actively letting go. I've been hard at work facing reality and focusing on giving myself closure and understanding the need to forgive myself and that I am worthy of forgiveness (Bird - I completely get your struggle with this). Biggest shift is utterly embracing how wrong participating in the A was. no rationalising, no accepting of entitlement, no romanticising, no 'we needed and helped each other'. No. More.

And no we can't be friends (his desire to be) - anither hurdle that many of us face. In facing a restructure at work where he is likely to either be promoted and be my director or not be and be my line manager! Ha. But you know what? It doesn't matter. Finally I understand that phrase (Iddy - you always said one day I would x).

A lightening of heart and an easing of my muscles (anyone else suffer with muscle clenching - gritting teeth against pain?).

We can do this my friends - and we will.

Yellow xx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 5:27pm

Hey girl

I know you are scared, but you sound you refuse to let fear stand in your way. I know it was tough...the totally letting go for good, but it was great that you regrouped and things got better.  You sound like you have a fun family.  Count your blessings. I so wished I had a family like that. Being an only child, we only had fun times like that when our cousins came to visit...either from Tennessee or Quebec.  I have the fondest memories of those times.  Again, I don't know why the font turned so big...except I moved one little sentence.

Change is scary, but the thing about change, is that it soon changes...either on its own or by your own making.  But it can also be exciting...opening up doors you could never have imagined.

There's nothing to fear,'re going to be okay...probably more than okay.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 6:09pm
Hello everyone!

Thank you Clarity for this I will take a bite at this "weigh-in".

My final hurdle of this journey is probably something that may warrant some "bamboo-shoots" up underneath my finger nails...but for the life of me I just can't wrap my mind around understanding this:

(So I am going to be brutally honest here and spill my "beans". .....)

So what I am having trouble with is this:

I don't feel guilty for having the A.

........oh no....dang them beans are rollin' all around the floor.

I don't feel bad....I don't feel is something that just happened and I moved on.

I understand I trespassed unto another person's legal partnership/marriage. I understand it all. But I just don't feel bad for doing it. I just don't feel guilty.

A side note: xap and I were in a FWB relationship with no intent EVER of leaving our spouses.

He used me.

I used him.

This sounds crass..I know...but I am trying to get over this last hurdle.

Any thoughts anyone?



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 6:29pm

Clairity, was hoping you would start one of these threads because I didn't want to start my own, probably because I feel I let everyone down including myself.  I fell off the NC wagon for a few weeks, but one week ago I blocked everything.  If you remember I couldn't delete my email because it was linked to my phone, but I called the phone company and was able to change my email.  I broke NC but I didn't resume the A.  I know it's over, he knows it's over and any contact I have with him was keeping me from healing.  I really understand now that I have to protect myself from me and keeping that email wasn't helping.  So now no more excuses for me, everything is blocked and I'm ready to heal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 6:30pm

More positive and more engaged in RL...YAH!  That's great, Sunny!

We are like onions, eh?  Peeling back layer upon layer...a lot of crying along the way...or like a snake shedding our skin and then feeling a little exposed and vulnerable for a while.  But don't onions have sweet cores? That's us. All of us, sweet cores with an accumulation of layers upon layers of experiences...good and bad.

Keep moving in the right direction.  And if you happen to run into JAM...stick your foot out...trip him up and walk away "See you next Fall"..hah!

Christmas shopping!  You're goood.

You're one month away, my leetel Onion.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 8:59pm


It's nice to hear you say you are doing well, inspite of that tailspin and resultant puffy eyes. Tailspins don't have to take us out completely if we don't let them...and you didn't....awesome!

Things must be clicking for you...because you sure are taking that restruction at work like a real trooper.  

I suffer from muscle clenching too.  Sometimes I don't even realize I am doing it 'til I notice I'm all tensed up...and most of the time it is stress because I'm sitting here on the couch with MH and we've just had a little go around.  

Not nearly the type of stress you are dealing with, that's for sure. But, it's good to know it is easing up as your heart lightens up.  We don't even realize sometimes how an affair is bringing down our health...and it manifests in many ways...and stress seems to be the worse in regards to bring down our health.

I'm glad you understand now that the friend'ship' has sailed...a tough hurdle that one is...but you made it.  That was one big click.

Good to hear from you :smileyhappy:

Keep it hummin'





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 9:43pm

Hi Mis Progree - well join the bean counters, I also have no guilt or remorse over the A...and also no love of bamboo shoots so will not go there. So, here we are. We have moved on, we shared space with hese xAps and leaned on each other in the As (better word than used) ; they are as much members of this board as we are, though probably haven't found it. It is just humans meeting human needs, sometimes egocentric and sometimes not. My A (12 yr)was also all about FWB and never rocking the boat in the M's - to the point of discussing topics in MC... no hurdle here, just  acknowledging the wide range of As.

Be kind to yourself - XO Daisy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 9:55pm

Hi ya, Pro!

I checked ivillage's guidelines on the use of weapons...I can't use any.  Therefore, the bamboo shoots have been retired...aren't you the lucky one...probably why you waiting 'til I was CL to spills those beans! It apparently never occurred to you that I WILL one day step down and could get you, my little pritty...and your little dog too!

I don't know what to tell you...I'm hoping others will chime in on this as well.  It's like you have totally disconnected from the experience. Perhaps because there were no consequences?  Perhaps you still feel that you were entitled for whatever reason?  Perhaps you never noticed any noticeable changes in your spouse and so don't feel he was affected..that he clueless and never hurt by it?  Perhaps YOU ARE A PSYCHOPAAAATH!  KIDDING!!!  I really have no just threw these out...they were the first things to come to mind.


Okay..this is what Wikipedia says about guilt: Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.[1]It is closely related to the concept of remorse.

After reading that, what do YOU think?  




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 10:11pm

Hey recklessnomore :smileyhappy:

I'm sorry you didn't post in because you felt you let everyone down.  It doesn't work that way.  Sure, we are disappointed (and not in the same way my Father would be that I was just some kind of f'up...and so he wasn't surprised), but disappointed only because we don't want to see you hurt yourself again.  

What makes us happy is to know that you have taken the final step...changed your email so that now everything is blocked and you are ready to heal.  That's all that matters to us.

And even though you have to reset your ticker...and you'll have to let me know your new NC date, so I can note the date in my trusty index organizer...having broken NC does not mean that you, yourself, had to be reset.  You have too much knowledge under your belt and you have progressed in your thinking.  If you didn't, you would have fallen right back into it.  You knew that keeping that email wasn't conducive to healing, and you now realize the importance of protecting yourself.  Again, that's all that matters to us.  And you have also shown others that we can fall off the wagon, but we can get right back up and keep moving forward.

Big ole (((hug)))