Monday weigh-in

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Monday weigh-in
42
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 2:02pm

and thank goodness I don't mean on the scale, huh!

More I just want you to weigh in on how you are doing.  Tell us where you are at...what's helping you...what you think might be keeping you stuck.

If you need some help in a particular area, let us know...not that we won't chime in anyway with ideas or suggestions to unstick you :smileywink:

group ((((hug))))

Clarity

  


Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 4:34pm

You don't have to say you are sorry to us that you are glum. We can handle it.  I will say, however, that I am sorry you are feeling glum.  In glum is no way to live.  And feeling helpless, hopeless and in despair over a man...just a man...is unhealthy.  Allowing someone to have that kind of control over whether or not we can be happy is just not good.  And believe me, if he ever learned that suddenly you can't stand on your own two feet without him, he'd probably be put out.  I would be.  To think that someone had made their happiness so dependent upon me...who wants that kind of reponsibility...of being the one to have to keep another propped up in life.  Too much pressure.

Let me ask you something...hah...just try to stop me :smileyhappy:

I want to play it all out with you...from start to finish.

Let's start here...If you went to him and said, "I am leaving my marriage...I'm all yours", how would that be received?  

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 4:47pm

Soglad, I must “weigh in” on your post! 

Right on, right on, right on. 

“…you have a gut feeling that xAP is being dishonest, that he is saying one thing, or lots and lots of things, but the reality isn't matching up with that, and if he is manipulating your emotions and your feelings with his pushing, pulling and conflicting messages, wanting more from you than he is willing to give…”

I think the deal breaker for me was when he purchased a new, large house with his W and “drip fed” me info about it.  I heard:  "One day we will be together, it's just a house, I need a diversion".  I saw  "I'm investing in a secure future with my wife." One of those WWIT moments….

‘you reach the point where you find out for sure that xAP was lying to you, big time”

Do you all recall the time I found out that he sent his W and I an orchid ON THE SAME FRIGGIN’ DAY??  (I know Angie and Dee remember that one!)

‘He maybe didn't mean to, I think he probably didn't want to hurt me, but he wanted to keep me having an A with me and in order to do that he had to manipulate me with lies of ommission, conflicting messages and full blown outright lies.”

Bingo.  Bingo, Bingo.  Yes, he was doing and saying WHATEVER he thought it would take to keep his cake on the side, without regard for how his behavior was affecting me.

Unfortunately, I still think about all that ..... a lot!!” 

Me too.:smileyfrustrated:

But, as you say Soglad, I am ALSO thinking about who I was before the A and how I just knew in my gut that the above “offenses” were occurring.  But for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to “be mean”. 

But,  I had a shift of some sort about 10 days ago.   I realized that I had to take care of ME.  And having XAP in my life, in any shape or form, was not good for me.  And, his continued fishing was actually totally screwing with me.

So, you know the rest.  So, I'M still putting one foot in front of the other….

Thanks so much for being here Soglad.  You’re helping me more than you know.

~Sunrise (aka Pondering Celt in training)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2012
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 7:11pm

Same here, Soglad.  I feel I was manipulated and lied to as well.  I rather be hurt with the truth than to be left replaying everything in my mind trying to figure it out.  I wish to this day that he would of just told me the truth, that way I would know and wouldn't be left to wonder.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 10:01am

“I know though why he didn't tell me the truth, why he fudged the reality of the situation, kept moving the goalposts and omitted to tell me certain things, it was because he knew I would have bolted a lot sooner if he had.”

There you go again Soglad!  Nailing it!

One of the last times we talked last spring and after he had drip-fed me info about the house, I asked him why he didn’t just tell me the truth.  His response “I didn’t want you to shut the door on us”.  Duh.  Translated “because I know you would have bolted”.

Well, I did bolt.  The house was the light bulb moment. 

And, as the fog lifts (which can ONLY happen with NC), I see more manipulation, etc.

Now, with all this being said, I realize that I chose to play that role.  I chose to ‘ignore’ the red flags, to buy into his half truths.  Why? So that I wouldn’t have to look at the emptiness of this fantasy that I was engaging in.  That I wouldn’t have to look at my crap.

Well, now is the time.  Time to look at my own crap.  And T is helping tremendously.

BUT, realizing the way my XAP operated is helping me not to continue to put him on a pedestal or fantasize any longer. 

Done deal; stick a fork in it.

~Sunrise

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2011
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 1:00pm

Hi gang,

    Been away from here for months and months , moving away from Planet A at warp speed, but decided to take a spin down memory lane and see how folks were doing at EAS. And I must say it makes me feel really good to see some of my old pals from the 'hood -- sunrise, rain, yellow and birdsong -- still on the out path and gaining speed in ever-lengthening strides. Also good to see that EAS is in the very capable hands of Clarity. This place was a life raft in my post-A misery, which I thought would never end, and for that I am forever grateful.

    And, since I'm here, I figure I might as well add my two cents concerning xAP's and the dishonest trickery used to keep the A fire burning. Sadly to say, I'm a bit of an expert in this area. Briefly: I am a MM (aka "cake eater") who had a 10-year A with a SW who kept hoping that I would ditch my W, marry her, and live happily ever after. It didn't happen. In fact, I knew early on -- within a few months after the A started -- that I would never make that leap. But I surely didn't want to lose AP, either. And, so, for the next 9 plus years, I "fudged the reality of the situation"  and "kept moving the goalposts" to keep her from bolting. I became very skilled at maintaining the facade.

    For me, the single most critical element was in never allowing AP to think that I was "happily" married, or know that I was performing basic marital duties that would suggest permanency. So, for example, I made it a point to never mention the purchase of such things as automobiles or household furniture and appliances -- sofas, washing machines, dining room table, etc. -- for fear it would leave the wrong impression (the same way it did for Sunrise and AP's house purchase) For that matter, I rarely mentioned W and, when I did, it was always with a roll of the eyes and a voice of disdain. I gave every impression that I lived "separate" lives with W, that we had nothing left in common, didn't sleep together, blah, blah, blah...It was all a lie, of course. When W and I had our 25th wedding anniversary, we celebrated by spending a long weekend at an exclusive resort thousands of miles away. I remember constantly sneaking out of the room and calling AP (we spoke by phone several times a day for 10 years) without letting on to her that 1) it was my anniversary and 2) I was with W a long, long way from home. Those are just a few examples, of which there are many.

    Looking back now, it was all one big scam perpetrated by yours truly. AP finally gave up waiting and hit the off switch in December, 2010. I wasted 10 years of that dear woman's life and, for that, I continue to deal with extreme guilt. She definitely deserved better. Fortunately for her, the best advice I ever received from EAS was from someone who told me way back in those painful early days to consider NC as not only the solution for me, but also as my lasting "gift" to her. Those words stuck like glue, kept me from fishing, and allowed both of us to heal and move on.

DL

     

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 1:16pm
((((decade))))

Fabulous that you are here! Stay longer - pretty please ?

Yellow x

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 3:25pm

DL,

YOU are the man. 

And I respect you tremendously for not fishing.  I remember your early posts - you were devastated.  I recall you telling us that you cried at night, while in bed next to your W.  I remember you telling us that you lost lots of weight. 

And look at you now.  You are an excellent example of, in the end, doing the right thing.

And, I appreciate you sharing what it was like for you "on the other side", as a cake eater.  Hard things to hear, but I knew those types of things were going on with my XAP too.  I call them lies of omission, and I don't think there's a greater offense than that.  It TOTALLY screwed with my head.

You honored your XAP's wishes and left her alone, to heal.  And in that process, you healed also.

Way to go......

~Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 6:09pm

Hey Decadelost...it's really really nice to see you :smileyhappy:

Thanks for coming by and for your willingness to be so open and honest about your thinking process constructed to keep your affair afloat as well as to keep your xaffair partner afloat in the boat.

I think it helps..it's actual essential,to be willing to be honest with ourselves. They lied, we lied.  They betrayed, we betrayed.  We believed the lies they told.  We even believed at times the lies we told.  We were doing the avoidance dance together. These are not easy admissions, but are necessary in order to be accountable in order to make the appropriate and necessary changes in order to heal in order to live well.

Hopefully we all learn that all our relationships are a reflection of ourselves and in the future be able to gage ourselves through those relationships we invite into our lives.  If a particular relationship is reflecting back us a negatively, it's showing us where we need work.  If it is a positive reflection, we know we are on top of our game.

I'm glad to hear that you have healed and moved on.

((hugs))

Clarity 

 


Pages