Feeling regretful and sad lately

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2012
Feeling regretful and sad lately
3
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 5:09pm

Hi all,

Going through a very down phase in my separation. This is probably just a normal thing to feel but it stinks. Feeling lately like I could have done more, like I should have tried harder.

Trying to remind myself that even if I did try harder, it still most likely would have been a lonely existence in my marriage. My ex had anxiety issues (and others) related to talking to me and without talking, we were going nowhere. I have to keep in mind the time he told me he would only be able to talk to me for 5 minutes at a time about any difficult topic. I think I may have even been able to deal with that if even those 5 minutes happened regularly. They did not.

We were housemates. Shared bills and a dinner out once a week. No intimacy, no connection, no warmth or support. He said he wasn't OK with that but didn't do much beyond what he always did, which was pick up flowers on the way home. Don't get me wrong, love flowers and always appreciated them and his other great qualities but when you haven't had sex in 2 years, yet your husband keeps bringing you flowers and won't talk about what is wrong...you start to go a little nuts.

Just venting. Thanks for listening. I know things will get better eventually. I'll be spending this evening reading over divorce documents. How fun.

libby.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 6:14pm

So if he refused to communicate about any issues or get help for his anxiety, how do you think you could have done more to solve your problems?  It takes two to make the effort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 7:54pm

Thanks Music,

That's what I try and remind myself when I beat myself up over this...that I couldn't have done it all by myself. He would have had to open his mouth at some point. He was going to therapy and even tried a couple different medications but nothing seemed to help the anxiety he had with me. I had been working to change any triggers I was responsible for and even though that was going well, there was always something wrong. i.e. I used to be too animated and emotional when talking so I worked on being calm and collected but then he said he couldn't tell what I was thinking and accused me of holding back. It was crazy-making.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 10:52pm

awwww... don't look back sweetie! lively and animated speaking is a good quality! Dont have regrets over someone who didn't appreciate you! It's natural to look back when you don't know where you're going.  Sometimes you'd rather be in bad company than be alone though. 

I know what I speak of... I'm feeling regrettful and I feel like I could stop the whole thing if I just "put out" for my husband.  We have a wonderful marriage and family life but I just cant have sex anymore. I went into menopause 4 yrs ago and have had zero sex drive.  I cut him off 9 mths ago and told him I'd understand if he found someone else - he didn't sign up to be a priest afterall.  Now he has found someone, and I am sick to my stomach.  I feel like calling everything off, but I know in my heart it's for the best. I can not have sex to keep him here, and that's what it would take... still trying to think if I could have done something.  that's where my regret is. 

so I understand how you're feeling.  regret. and sad.

but I think if we knew what was in store for us, how to fill the evenings, how to be alone, there would be no regret. This separation/divorce stuff is hard even when you know its for the best.  Even the worst of marriages are very "comfortable".