How can I end this? Is it even possible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
How can I end this? Is it even possible?
12
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 6:50pm

I have been with my AP for almost 3 years now.  I love him very, very much, genuinely. I think he feels the same.  We have been friends for almost 20 years.  His wife is actually one of my closest friends.  Our families have vacationed together, eaten Xmas dinners together, celebrated many occasions together.  All of our friends are mutual and we frequently go out together socially.

I won't bore you with all of the details, but as corny as it sounds, we were really meant for each other, but neither one of us wants to hurt our spouses and children.  We have been very careful when getting together and have never gotten close to a "D day".  We have such affection for each other, but when with our families or out in a group, we do not show it.

I have wondered if he asked me, if I would consider leaving my family.  He has told me that he never would.  Because of the fact that it seems we are on different wavelengths, I feel neglected a lot of the time.  I am so jealous of the time his wife has with him.  I depresses me sometimes, like today.  I'm really struggling with it.  

I have heard a lot about how men compartmentalize their emotions.  I do not have that ability.  Sometimes I feel like my heart is breaking in two.

I'm trying to re-connect with my husband.  Sometimes I think it's working, sometimes I'm not so sure.

I don't know how I would ever be able to end things.  We see each other all of the time.  Our lives are intertwined.  The idea of "no contact" is not going to work here.  I also feel if I were to end our affair, I couldn't be strong enough to stick to it.  After all, we do love each other.  

Any advice out there??

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Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 7:08pm
A big (( hug )) first!!

Three years is a long time. It's such a sticky situation and I wish I had some good advice. You both already know what is at stake if you were found out. That shows that you care about your actions and you take responsibility. I am sure you will figure it out.

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 7:17pm
Im so sorry you are in such a difficult spot. 3 years is quite a while. I do think men can compartmentalize. I could not at all. How do you see the A going? Are you at a point you want it to end? Can you fade out of each others lives? I cant imagine how difficult it would be to end the A and still stay so intertwined. Be fair and kind to yourself. If he has no intention of leaving his W and you desire to try to seriously reconnect with you H you need to end the A. And if he truly cares for you and your family he will help extricate himself and his family from your life. You dont sound happy. And he is part of this and responsible for "fixing" it too and helping you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 7:23pm
Also if after all this time he still says he will not leavw his W - believe him. He wont. :smileysad: im sorry to say that. And if you are feeling neglected that will get worse. You dont deserve to feel like that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 8:02pm

Well, believe it or not, we both thought/ hoped that we could do this indefinitely.  We lean on each other a lot.  It's not a one-sided affair.  There is a lot of give and take.  I just seem to get my feelings hurt so much of the time.  I don't tell him this though.  I have told him in the past and he seems to understand, but doesn't make changes.  He says the he is doing the best he can and I truly believe that he is.  I seem to be asking more and more from him and I feel like a nag.

He has no idea that I am contemplating ending things.  I have always felt like the bad outweighed the good.  This is just one of those days, that I'm not sure.

My husband is a good man.  He loves me very much, but I have never felt such passion and such a deep affection for him, like I do my AP.  My AP and I have joked that we met each other too late and that we should have been married, had children, ect.  Of course that didn't happen.

I don't know what to do.  It seems so selfish, but I want to end it on my terms, before he can break my heart more than it already is.  I often dream up reasons not to be with him, like his bald head, bad table manners :smileyhappy: ect.  That never seems to work.  My husband is more attractive, makes more money, is more educated and loves me.  I don't think you can choose who you fall in love with and I have been in love with him for a long, long time now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 8:02pm

Thanks so much for responding.  I am trying to figure this mess out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 10:26pm

My honest personal opinion, because i think about this daily, as a longtimer in a love A like yourself, the only way that you will end this, is if something DRASTIC happens. By drastic i refer to you either having a dday - or you decide to officialise your R - or your AP starts to treats you badly and/or finds another AP. Either discovery or at the point of despising him, that is only way you will end the A. An amicable split and a return to a 'vanilla life' will be close to impossible for the both of you at this point, and in light of you being in your 3rd year I'm quite certain you would have both attempted to end it one million times by now, am i correct?

Have you though about what you truly want Mistery? Do you want a RL R with your AP? And your AP what does he want?

I wish you well, and i know very well the torment you are going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2012
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 12:03am
Mistery, I see you and I are still in the same boat we were way back last summer when I was tears on my guitar and we messaged each other. I am still with my AP (6 years now) who is a long time family friend.

I am still struggling daily with holding onto a man I love dearly and who loves me in return but will never be able to be together or freeing him to focus on his wife and me, my husband.

My husband is a good man, kind and caring. I don't want to hurt him but he doesn't deserve a wife who is halfway there. My heart, like yours is torn in two.

I don't have any answers. I just want you to know you're not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 8:44am

Tiramisu has a good point about something drastic having to happen.  xAP ended our A of 6 yrs with a phone call and no explanation, and has treated me poorly since.  We were in love & committed to a LTR.  The day he ended it, he had just left my house from spending the day together.  Our lives are not as intertwined as yours, and I can't imagine how difficult that makes things.  If you are serious about ending it, stalling is allowing for things to get even more complicated.  And because of what happened to me, as I read this I'm wondering how you will handle it if he suddenly bows out.

It doesn't sound like your emotional needs are always being met by AP.  I totally get the demanding & nag thing.  I was doing that with xAP when he announced he was moving with SO to the lake home him & I had talked about living at.  That was a couple months before the break-up.  I was feeling pretty insecure, and any doubts I'd ever bottled up started coming out by nagging him.  He was really good about it and reassured me constantly, which made the end even more confusing.

I don't want to sound like I'm coming off as the jaded lover.  :smileyindifferent:  But it struck me when you said you want to end it on your terms, and that your trying to put more effort into your M.  I think you need to decide how committed you are to the A knowing it's probably not going to end well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 12:07pm

OK, please forgive me in advance, but I think you need tough love.  I'm in a similar situation, so I know it is hard, but first you have to start changing the way you view this A.

1)  If something is "meant to be" that means it happens.  If you two were meant to be together, you would be together, right now.  Or you would have been together 20 years ago when you first met.  Apparenlty, you two are NOT meant to be, because you aren't.  You love each other, you get along, but both of you are choosing other people and things over each other.  Which means you were not meant to be.  I'm saying this because if you continue to romanticize it and make it something it isn't, it makes it harder to let go of it.  

2) "I don't know how I would ever be able to end things.  We see each other all of the time.  Our lives are intertwined.  The idea of "no contact" is not going to work here.  I also feel if I were to end our affair, I couldn't be strong enough to stick to it.  After all, we do love each other.  

Any advice out there??"

It sounds like you have already made up you mind that you can't do it, so why bother even trying?  Do you see how many NOs and NOTs are in your statement above?  It's easy to find excuses why you can't make the hard choices.  I was pretty involved in my XAP's life, too, and I spent a lot of time with him and his family, including his W, who was a friend, as well.   But when we decided to end it, we knew if wouldn't work if we still were around each other, physically.  So we stopped it.  We both made up excuses, and to my surprise, nobody seemed to notice it as much as I thought they would.  When his W wants to hang out, I suggest activities for just me and her, like lunch and shopping.  If I want to see his kids, we go to the same games and I visit with them when I see them away from their dad.  But in general, I realized that by making the choice I did to get into the A, I lost that right to fit into his family without consequences.  I don't get to be close to his kids anymore, and he doesn't get to be close to mine because we crossed a line, and at some point, when we need to stpe back, it changes everything.  

It can be done.  I am telling your that from personal experience.  You just have to be willing to make those sacrifices, and you have to actually make a concerted effort.  I know it is hard. I also know that it's tough to follow through.  But I would say that unless you change your mindset, you will never do what it takes to end the A part at least.  And if you can't do it, stop worrying about it.  Just enjoy what you have, resign yourself to the fact that the jealousy and loneliness are part of this type of an R, and let go of the need to change things.

 

I hope this helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 2:31pm

Thank you for responding to me.  It is good to know that I'm not alone.  Yes, we have both have struggled with the guilt and repercussions and have tried to end it, but it never lasted more than a couple of days. We were friends for over 15 years before this A started.  Until that day, I had never crossed the line with ANYONE.  I never thought in a million years that this would be my life right now.  I don't want to inflict pain on my family or on his.  I don't want a D=day.  He is not treating me badly. On the contrary, he tells me how much he loves me all of the time.  

We depend on each other emotionally, I believe.  It just so happens that I need more than he is willing to give right now.  I try so hard to distance myself and look at things clearly.  Being with him would not be a fairy tale, I know.  

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