Married but have feelings for another..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2012
Married but have feelings for another..
12
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 10:52pm

Hello,

I will try to make this as short as possible..

I recently got married, months leading up to my marriage I started having feelings for someone else. I thought okay whataever this is normal, cold feet, etc... Well now I am married and I still have feelings for this person... I know he has feelings for me too, just be the way he behaves around me  (always there for me, cares, never says no to me, subtle complements, stands close to me)... Never once have either of us expressed our feelings for each other..

This man and I finish each other's sentences, we see things very similarly.. When we disagree and argue, we come back together after a while and make things work... We bicker for fun quite a bit... Idk if it makes sense but I think we enjoy play-fighting/bickering

At the same time we are very different people, but our differences are more so with hobbies and things... But also, we appreciate each others likes/dislikes...

I know you may think I am having an affair, but I am not... I am trying to be happy with my husband, but I know for a fact that me and him never connected in this way... Also, lately he's been trying to tell me that now that we are married I have to do things differently than before and it's getting on my nerves that he won't listen to me when I tell him I'm sad or upset.. It's like he just takes it in one ear and out the other...

I'm afraid my marriage is already doomed.. Idk what to do, it's not like I'd make a pass at this other guy if things did not work out b/w me and my husband... And it would take a lot more than this for me to end a marriage.. Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2012
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 12:12am
I'm 28... well initially i thought it was the idea... but we really are on the same wavelength... but like i said, none of us have verbally said nething, nor do i talk about my marital issues to him... bc i know thats asking for trouble... i woudln't say he's a control freak... but he just expected different than i did... i agree that i don't feel like he's listening... he just pretends like nothings wrong even when i give him one word responses he doesn't try to ask why... to a point where i just wanna scream and say can't u see that i'm unhappy... i even once blatantly told him i am sad and he didn't respond... i had to say it three times before he said something and it was just accusatory.... I don't want this other guy to influence my feeling this way but it's just all coming down at once...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2012
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 12:20am
I should also mention, when I am sad, this other guy senses it, as I do with him... We've said the same thing at the same time multiple times, complete each other's thoughts, he knows what I like/dislike, I just never thought I'd get along with someone so well who is so different from me... Other ppl sense our chemistry... We love hating each other.. we purposefully fight but then we get along otherwise just great... I'm guessing we fight on purpose cuz its the only way to show that we care....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 12:19pm

I think that your method of communication w/ your DH is very immature--instead of giving him short answers and acting sad & expecting him to guess what is going on, you need to tell him what is bothering you and see if he can fix it, which also means that you have to tell him what you want him to do, whether it's take out the trash or something deeper like spending more time with you.  If you don't put any effort into the marriage, it's not going to get better.  Then if you do ask your DH for what you want & you still aren't getting along with him, then at least you will know that you tried your best--but you should get divorced before you start up anything with this man.  and from what your description is of your relationship w/ the other man, I think it's ridiculous to pin your hopes on being with him, considering neither one of you has expressed any feelings toward each other.  For all you know, the reason he is acting this way could be that he knows you're married so he feels comfortable either flirting or arguing because he knows nothing will come of it--it could be that if you got divorced, you'd scare him because he'd be thinking to himself "what is she doing?  I never told her to get divorced or that we should be together" so I think you have to look at the situation in your marriage as would you still want to get divorced even if it meant that you'd be alone & not with the other guy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 5:53pm

Stardust,  if you want to work on your marriage, first you have to end this friendship with the Other Man.   I know you don't want to, but you've already crossed the line of inappopriate feelings and it's up to you to get this back in order.   

Now, let's look at your marriage.

You say that he wants you to do things differently now that you're married.   What things are we talking about here?    Are his expectations unreasonable?   

You say that he won't listen to you when you're sad.   What are you sad about?   And how often are you sad?   If you feel permanently sad,  I think it's a mistake to expect your husband to be your permanent sounding board.   Sure, we all have bad days now and then and it's great to be able to talk with our partner.....but being sad frequently gets really old for our partners.   There comes a time when we need to sort out our own problems instead of burdening others with them.

In summary, my advice is to give yourself a kick up the rear end.   End this inappropriate friendship.  Remember your marriage vows and act accordingly.    Instead of sulking and giving one word answers to your husband, work on being a pleasant companion.    Appreciate what you've got.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 11:58am

Through out life, you are going to encounter people you instantly connect with.  It doesnt matter if you are in a relationship or not.  There are just those people you meet that immediately think as you do, and instantly connect.

I remember when my DD was in 3rd Grade, there was a Dad on the PTA that was an instant connection.  His Daughter was in my Daughter's class.  Granted neither of us pursued anything out of it.

But it was always fun to run into him at some of the events, because I could say something I found funny and he would immediately have the perfect response. 

That example is not the first time this has happened, nor do I expect it to be the last.  But it is really cool when you do run into someone who thinks like you do.

With that said. 

You are also very newly married, and often times the first 12-18 months of marriage is a huge adjustment.  There are things you discover about eachother that are now more noticable than before.  There are quirks you may not find nearly as endearing.  And there are some expectations of each other in regards to acclimating and creating the married life you both want.

I do agree, that your current approach to communication with your DH is at least immature, if not a bit manipulative.

I know for my DH and I, it took us a good few years to really develop a healthy and productive approach to communication.  We did have some extenuating factors, as he deployed quite a bit early in our marriage.  And a lot of our communication relied heavily on email and IM.  But we did find a really good way to communicate, and have since done very well communicating. 

There is a good book that can be very beneficial called The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman.  It focus' exclusively on communication with in a relationship. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2011
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 4:07am