Should I be worried?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Should I be worried?
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 3:41am

So, a refresher: my AP's wife had their baby 2.5 weeks ago. Every day we've texted but we haven't talked on the phone, Skype or met up in person since. And in fact, he hasn't even mentioned the baby or the baby's name... even though we text every day (which for some reason has bothered me because uh... that's a HUGE part of his life.)

I started to feel kind of frustrated about the lack of even a phone call (okay yes, I know I am being totally selfish... but what the hell) so yesterday I finally laid it out for him and said I'm hurt by it given his insistence that he'd make time. He was really sweet and was like, "I love you. I miss you. I am just totally out of my mind exhausted. But you have my heart and are constantly in my thoughts."

Yes, they just had a baby. Also his work life is insane. BUT I am the kind of person who would find time for someone I was crazy about. I just would.

So, Thursday will be 3 weeks... and I've read a bunch of posts lately on here talking about guys pulling away, yadda yadda... and I'm wondering if that is what's going on. Is it because we're so serious and now it's not fun to chase me? I explicitly asked him if having spent so much time with his family & friends in the past couple weeks if that changed his perspective and he said no. 

Anyway. Should I be worried? Or am I just totally out of line in terms of expectations? (I'm having one of those over-thinking everything moments and need some outside perspective either way.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 9:19am

I'm going to be honest here, so don't mistake me for being a jerk, but yes I think you're being a little out of line with your expectations.  He did just have a baby which is tremendously time consuming just by itself, not to mention that he probably has to take care of the misses.  Also you mention that his work is insane so it sounds like his plate is full for the moment.  Unfortunately, when having an affair doesn't mean that we always come first (or second, or third) in someones life.  In fact it's quite the opposite in order to keep suspicions at bay.  At least he's making the effort to text you every day (which is a lot more than some of us) so it doesn't sound like or appear that he's pulling away.  Try not to over analyze all of the little details and actions.  That will only drive you nuts...  


Best of luck! :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 9:33am

I'm sure the part about his being exhausted is definitely true.  Having a baby is a major life event.  I can't pretend to guess at how a man processes that, and yes, he very well could be pulling away... there's no way to know.

As for the thrill of the chase thing, I get that men have that in them, but I also think it's over-generalizing.  There are A's and M's that have lasted decades.  Any A is going to have periods of pulling away - it could be over something like your AP is going through now, or it could be for no reason whatsoever.  The best thing you can do is focus on making yourself happy, and try not to waste too much time analyzing him.

I'm sorry I don't have better advice.  Adding a new baby to the mix is going to add to what is already a complex situation.  If you are still wanting the A to continue, all you can really do is trust his word and know he'll come around when he's ready/able.  And try (!) not to dwell on it too much in the meantime.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 10:02am

>>And in fact, he hasn't even mentioned the baby or the baby's name.<< did you ask him via text about the baby? maybe he thinks you'd rather not know.. and trying to protect you.. 

he's surely at a different place than you.. i am like you, baby or not, i find the time.. but not everyone is like you..

what worked for me was to let the AP lead the terms and frequency of communication, ie letting go.. let them contact you how and when they can and run the A as they see fit.. that'll be your best indicator..

being in an A is a volunteer activity to be done for fun.. when it stops being fun, for whatever reason, it's time to move on, insteading of suffering the drama for someone who's not even yours..


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 10:29am
I agree with what everyone has said. An infant is so extremely exhausting you cant even imagine unless you've gone thru it. The fact he even has the time and energy to txt you every day is amazing. I thought it strange he hasnt talked to you at all about the baby unless you dont want to know. Do you? If you guys end up together his kids will always be a part of his life. I would try to be kind, understanding, and supportive. You cant ask more of him right now. If you do you may end the relationship. Only time will tell how the A will go. Make yourself happy focus on yourself and give him time and space if he needs it.