Feeling confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Feeling confused
12
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 10:11am
Hello all, Sorry we all are meeting under such circumstances but look forward to any help you can offer. Alittle background- My husband and I have been together 18 years married for 9 almost ten. We met in high school have always had a great relationship, been happy and always been able to communicate. We have three lovely children 9, 6, and almost 2. My husband met a women at work and wanted to be friends with her to help her she was new to the worksite, but told her she had to meet me. OW came and met me and the kids we got along great. He saw her at work everyday they would grab a coffee once a week after work for a half hour to discuss the job which is very stressfull and hard labor. I went out with her a few times, and we all went out together once. She started texting and calling him and myself every night and all was ok for awhile.........I noticed she was calling him on the way to work and on the way home and I asked him about this and he said they were just friends discussing work. Well I started panicking and told him they were getting to close and I wanted him to stop talking to her. He said he didn't want to they were just friends, well come to find out they were more then friends. Their coffee time was being spent in a motel that she paid for and he also saw her before work on some mornings. I was so torn up because she had become my friend. I cut off all communication with her and thought he had too, bit he continued talking with her for a few more months through a secret email. When it finally ended with her he was very sorry and repented, we went through councling with our pastor, and tho.ya were going great for awhile. We were each others firsts intimately. I feel so robbed that she took that away from me, we were highschool sweethearts. I didn't want to throw away 18 years because of her. I love my husband and chose to forgive him and try to move forward. It has almost been a year now and all of a sudden he started pulling away from me, not showing affection, or wanting to be intimate, I know he is depressed but he is talking about wanting a seperation. He sees her once a month at a work meeting and says they don't speak at all. They are no longer on the same job site. He says he doesn't feel the spark between us anymore. He wants to just throw away 18 years. He thinks we will still remain best friends, and that the kids will be fine. I am a stay at home mom, and we struggle now to make ends meet. I want to work on our marriage, but he doesn't want to go to counceling any more. We have a dinner to go to next week and I will see her for the first time since I found out. He hasn't decided whether he is going to move out or not, I am just feeling so sad and lonely. I want us to work on things, bit I don't want to beg for his love either. Please help I am so confused. I am a Christian women and don't believe in divorce. I love him deeply and wholeheartedly. I think he's depressed because he has pulled away from everyone, wants to be by himself, and is totally withdrawn. Has no other real friends besides me. Thanks you for any advice you can give me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2012
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 6:21pm

I can certainly understand how you feel.  I too am Christian, but I also truly believe that God wants us to live our lives to the fullest!  I have decided to give our marriage a chance.  Come the end of January will mark 1 year since I discovered my husbands affair with a friend.  We are going to therapy & things seem to be going well.  EXCEPT...there is barely any intimacy and I'm starting to feel depressed, unattractive and in all honesty...I feel like some of my attraction I had for my husband is disappearing now too.  He told me the reason it's difficult for him to have sex with me is because of what I said in therapy one day.  In the beginning, fresh into therapy, I had said  "how do I know you are thinking of me, and seeing my face, kissing my lips and not thinking of her?!"  So now it's all my fault we aren't intimate?!  Because he caused me to feel this way and screwed around so punish me for my feelings?  So how long are we supposed to last in a marriage without any intimacy?  I could use some advice too! Undecided

You need to do what's best for you!!! You need to be happy...You DESERVE to be happy! You DO NOT deserve what has happened to you and I truly hope you can find peace with whatever decision you make!!

Hang In There...Hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2012
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 7:23am
Your story touched me, it has some similarities to our story. Just wondering how you are now. xx

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