Feeling confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Feeling confused
12
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 10:11am
Hello all, Sorry we all are meeting under such circumstances but look forward to any help you can offer. Alittle background- My husband and I have been together 18 years married for 9 almost ten. We met in high school have always had a great relationship, been happy and always been able to communicate. We have three lovely children 9, 6, and almost 2. My husband met a women at work and wanted to be friends with her to help her she was new to the worksite, but told her she had to meet me. OW came and met me and the kids we got along great. He saw her at work everyday they would grab a coffee once a week after work for a half hour to discuss the job which is very stressfull and hard labor. I went out with her a few times, and we all went out together once. She started texting and calling him and myself every night and all was ok for awhile.........I noticed she was calling him on the way to work and on the way home and I asked him about this and he said they were just friends discussing work. Well I started panicking and told him they were getting to close and I wanted him to stop talking to her. He said he didn't want to they were just friends, well come to find out they were more then friends. Their coffee time was being spent in a motel that she paid for and he also saw her before work on some mornings. I was so torn up because she had become my friend. I cut off all communication with her and thought he had too, bit he continued talking with her for a few more months through a secret email. When it finally ended with her he was very sorry and repented, we went through councling with our pastor, and tho.ya were going great for awhile. We were each others firsts intimately. I feel so robbed that she took that away from me, we were highschool sweethearts. I didn't want to throw away 18 years because of her. I love my husband and chose to forgive him and try to move forward. It has almost been a year now and all of a sudden he started pulling away from me, not showing affection, or wanting to be intimate, I know he is depressed but he is talking about wanting a seperation. He sees her once a month at a work meeting and says they don't speak at all. They are no longer on the same job site. He says he doesn't feel the spark between us anymore. He wants to just throw away 18 years. He thinks we will still remain best friends, and that the kids will be fine. I am a stay at home mom, and we struggle now to make ends meet. I want to work on our marriage, but he doesn't want to go to counceling any more. We have a dinner to go to next week and I will see her for the first time since I found out. He hasn't decided whether he is going to move out or not, I am just feeling so sad and lonely. I want us to work on things, bit I don't want to beg for his love either. Please help I am so confused. I am a Christian women and don't believe in divorce. I love him deeply and wholeheartedly. I think he's depressed because he has pulled away from everyone, wants to be by himself, and is totally withdrawn. Has no other real friends besides me. Thanks you for any advice you can give me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 7:06pm
Thank you for responding. I understand what your saying. It's just so hard to watch him shut off all emotions for me. He said he would stay for the kids, but I don't even know what to say to that. God says he doesnt give us more then we can handle, but I feel like I just don't know how to handle this anymore. My husband thinks we will still be best friends if he leaves and he will come over and watch the kids when I go to work nights. I am trying to find a job now to prepare myself for the finacial shock when he decides he is leaving. He said he will still pay for everything but I think that will change when he realizes how tight financially we will be. I wish I could give him some sort of wakeup call! He doesn't even want to try to make it work he just wants to give up. Makes me so sad that after 17 years of happyness, we hit one hard year because of his infidelity and he wants to throw in the towel. :smileysad:
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 6:38pm

"I am a Christian women and don't believe in divorce."

I get this. I come from a tradition that looks down on devorce. But everything has to be on the table when dealing with infidelity. It may well be the only way to wake up your spouse.

Look, this is important. The 180 prepares us to live with or without our spouse. Your spouse could walk in front of a bus tomorrow and you will have to live without him. Prepare for that bus now. Even though your bus hit sometime back.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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