Feeling confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Feeling confused
12
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 10:11am
Hello all, Sorry we all are meeting under such circumstances but look forward to any help you can offer. Alittle background- My husband and I have been together 18 years married for 9 almost ten. We met in high school have always had a great relationship, been happy and always been able to communicate. We have three lovely children 9, 6, and almost 2. My husband met a women at work and wanted to be friends with her to help her she was new to the worksite, but told her she had to meet me. OW came and met me and the kids we got along great. He saw her at work everyday they would grab a coffee once a week after work for a half hour to discuss the job which is very stressfull and hard labor. I went out with her a few times, and we all went out together once. She started texting and calling him and myself every night and all was ok for awhile.........I noticed she was calling him on the way to work and on the way home and I asked him about this and he said they were just friends discussing work. Well I started panicking and told him they were getting to close and I wanted him to stop talking to her. He said he didn't want to they were just friends, well come to find out they were more then friends. Their coffee time was being spent in a motel that she paid for and he also saw her before work on some mornings. I was so torn up because she had become my friend. I cut off all communication with her and thought he had too, bit he continued talking with her for a few more months through a secret email. When it finally ended with her he was very sorry and repented, we went through councling with our pastor, and tho.ya were going great for awhile. We were each others firsts intimately. I feel so robbed that she took that away from me, we were highschool sweethearts. I didn't want to throw away 18 years because of her. I love my husband and chose to forgive him and try to move forward. It has almost been a year now and all of a sudden he started pulling away from me, not showing affection, or wanting to be intimate, I know he is depressed but he is talking about wanting a seperation. He sees her once a month at a work meeting and says they don't speak at all. They are no longer on the same job site. He says he doesn't feel the spark between us anymore. He wants to just throw away 18 years. He thinks we will still remain best friends, and that the kids will be fine. I am a stay at home mom, and we struggle now to make ends meet. I want to work on our marriage, but he doesn't want to go to counceling any more. We have a dinner to go to next week and I will see her for the first time since I found out. He hasn't decided whether he is going to move out or not, I am just feeling so sad and lonely. I want us to work on things, bit I don't want to beg for his love either. Please help I am so confused. I am a Christian women and don't believe in divorce. I love him deeply and wholeheartedly. I think he's depressed because he has pulled away from everyone, wants to be by himself, and is totally withdrawn. Has no other real friends besides me. Thanks you for any advice you can give me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2012
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 7:23am
Your story touched me, it has some similarities to our story. Just wondering how you are now. xx
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2012
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 6:21pm

I can certainly understand how you feel.  I too am Christian, but I also truly believe that God wants us to live our lives to the fullest!  I have decided to give our marriage a chance.  Come the end of January will mark 1 year since I discovered my husbands affair with a friend.  We are going to therapy & things seem to be going well.  EXCEPT...there is barely any intimacy and I'm starting to feel depressed, unattractive and in all honesty...I feel like some of my attraction I had for my husband is disappearing now too.  He told me the reason it's difficult for him to have sex with me is because of what I said in therapy one day.  In the beginning, fresh into therapy, I had said  "how do I know you are thinking of me, and seeing my face, kissing my lips and not thinking of her?!"  So now it's all my fault we aren't intimate?!  Because he caused me to feel this way and screwed around so punish me for my feelings?  So how long are we supposed to last in a marriage without any intimacy?  I could use some advice too! Undecided

You need to do what's best for you!!! You need to be happy...You DESERVE to be happy! You DO NOT deserve what has happened to you and I truly hope you can find peace with whatever decision you make!!

Hang In There...Hugs!

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 10-16-2012 - 6:04am
How did the counceling session go?

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 8:05pm
Finally told my parents everything the other day! They want me to move to Maine to live with them. I have had a couple good talks with my husband and he has tryed to exsplain how he is feeling. He said he loves me as a person and as the mother of his children, but just doesn't know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He said he doesn't know why he felt such a connection to the OW but he feels like they had a very stroung connection and he really misses her. He said he doesn't want to just jump in a relationship with her, he said he just wants to be her friend, and he knows he can't do that when were still together. He said he doesn't feel and sort of affection or desire to be with me. He doesn't know where it went because he knows we were always happy. He said he just needs some space to figure out why he feels the way he does.. He also said he won't contact her at all while he is trying to figure out if we can make it work. I am trying to be patient! He said he would never stop me from moving even though its 5 hours away. He wants me to have the support of my family. He was happy I told my family and wants what is best for me and the kids. I am not sure what to do. We decided that we would wait to make any decisions till the end of the kids school year. Which gives us 8 months to see if we can make it. It's hard knowing he doesn't love me anymore, when my feeling haven't changed at all. Thank you all for your prayers and words of encouragement. I am praying for all of you, that God restores our marriages, and we get the love that we all deserve. So happy that's God's love is unfailing, and everlasting!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 3:20pm

I can certainly commiserate w/ you.  My exH left me after 13 yrs of marriage (2 of dating before that).  Our kids were 7 & 1 at the time.  He really wanted to have the 2nd child and it was one of those "I thought the baby would help but it didn't" kind of things.  He was unfairthful but it was really not the cause of the split--we were having problems before 2nd child was born, I asked him if there was someone else.  he said he had cheated, but felt too guilty about it & cut it off.  I do believe him because he was not that type of person.  We had a period of about a year of hardly speaking while living in the same house, then he said he'd try to work on the marriage, but then it didn't work out anyway.  I really don't know what his problem was--midlife crisis or something?  It's not like we were fighting.

Well that was 16 yrs ago.  We both went on to marry other people.  His lasted (10 yrs now) and mine didn't.  We are actually friendly.  It took some time but I got over it.  I always worked but at that time, I wasn't working very much so the first priority was getting a job.  It has been financially difficult at times.  I would definitely suggest looking for a job right away in case he does decide to get a divorce.  Realistically if you can hardly make ends meet now, he will not be paying for everything--he still has to have money for himself and you can't depend on him forever.  I think your DH is unrealistic if he expects you to be best friends, at least right away--and you should tell him this.  My ex said the same thing"  You will always be one of my best friends."  I think they are nuts!  Well I'd say we are friends now but not right away.  I know he never had any animosity toward me but i sure did toward him for a while.  Tell him that if he leaves you will not want to be friends with him, at least for a while, because what he is doing is not a friendly thing to do--and he will have to face the consequences of that, which is that you are probably going to be hurt & mad at him for a while.  If you do get a job working nights & he wants to watch the kids at  your house, it's up to you whether to let him do it--my ex worked the night shift and I worked days.  I actually let him come to my house to sleep during the day the 2 days that he picked the kids up from school--it was the only way he could sleep & be up by 3:00 and it was better than having to pay for after school care.  Not everybody could do that but I wasn't afraid that he would be snooping around my house or that he would do anything bad--plus it was good for the kids.  It became very conveninent once I got a BF--I'd just go to my BF's house on those days until exH had to go to work. 

Well good luck--I do hope it will work out for you.  Your DH actually might be depressed but a lot of men won't go to a counselor and the figure that not being married will make them happy when happiness comes from within.  I hope you can get him to go for counseling.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 8:24pm

Sending good vibes! Good luck and keep posting. Lots of experience on these boards to draw from. These people saved my life.

--Tom

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 5:46pm
Thank you so much, he is definatly in a comfort zone. I just made myself an appointment today for counceling. I read the 180 and I am putting it into effect now. Thank you for all your stroung words of encouragement, it really helps me feel strounger!
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 5:26pm

Here is the 180.

Our spouse's find themselves in a comfort zone. We have to shake them from that place. Often the healthiest thing we can do for our spouses and for ourselves is to prepare to live without them. In doing so, we become stronger people and strength and confidence is attractive. As we stand up and pull our lives together in preparation to move on, we find that with or without our spouse. We will be ok.

That discovery by our spouses helps them move one direction or the other. You should make it very clear to your spouse that you are preparing to live independent of him. That is to say, he won’t be coming over to watch the kids but that he can make arraignments for visitation rights at his new home.

Quick example: My spouse asked me to leave before I found out about the affair. Her plan was probably to move her affair partner into our home. I said no. She was welcome to find a new place and the kids could come over anytime to see her but that we would be just fine here without her. Once “her plan” was in the dumpster, she had to start thinking about leaving or fixing things with me. I’m blessed that she decided (and eventually we decided) to work on fixing our marriage instead of divorcing. It took me saying “NO” to get her out of her comfort zone and begin repairing her life. And that is really what the 180 is all about.

When you say you don’t believe in divorce. You are allowing him to stay in his comfort zone. You might not like divorce, you might not believe in it. But it has to be a reality for your spouse or nothing will change and that can’t be God’s plan. If your pastor isn’t telling you this, he doesn’t have the skills needed to advise you on this issue. You should consider getting a therapist for a while that challenges you and empowers you to make really hard decisions. You deserve better, and your kids deserve better.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 7:47pm
Go down about 5 threads from this one. There is a thread called the 180. Go to the first one in the thread. It really is a great wake up call ands will help you in the long run. Hugs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 7:08pm
What's the 180 your talking about, is it a book I can read or something I can look up?

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