comments madeby husband's friends and cousins

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
comments madeby husband's friends and cousins
13
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 10:38am

On Saturday night, my husband and I were sitting outside of our house with some friends and his cousin (female). Out of nowhere, one of his friends asked me why my husband is never out without and how my husband changed since he's been married because before he would always go out to a bar. Then his friends concluded with that I must be angry with him when he goes out without me. I did get mad at him couple of times, but not because he went to a bar but because he called me that he is coming home and to prepare dinner and then he would stop in a bar and not come home for couple of hours. Like I said, it's only because he would tell me he is coming and then nothing.

Anyways, I did not want to get into this discussion with his friends because first of all I don't know him that well and second of all I did not like that he brought up in front of other people. I was little bit embarassed so I decided to go inside the house. My husband followed me because he did not understand exactly what his friend said. I told him everything and then my husband went outside and told him to go even though at this point his friend wanted to apologize but my husband just asked him to leave.

At this point, everyone was getting readu to go dancing (it was not planned and they decided in that moment). My husband asked his cousin to come and speak to me to see if I wanted to go dancing. However, when she came in, she just told me that I have to understand that my husband used to go out all the time and it is not fair that he is always with me. At this point, I just had it and asked everyone to leave me alone. Some people left to go dancing and my husband stayed in the garden with few other friends.

I'm very angry at his friend and cousin and I feel like if they have a problem with my husband not going out with them like before, they need to speak with him and not me. Also, I feel like that it is possible that my husband said something like I got mad at him when he went to a bar and now everyone is blowing everything out of proportion.

What do you think? Any advice is welcome....

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008

Hi Sunny -

It sounds to me like you need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband, starting with asking him if he has blamed you for not going out like he used to (i.e., dancing, to bars, etc, without you).

His response to that will tell you where to go from there.

I agree with you 100% that the cousin and friend who complained to you about your husband's lack of appearance at these things (the bar, the dancing) should be directed at him and not you.  

You don't say how long you've been married, but I'm guessing it hasn't been all that long.  In the early stages of marriage, it takes time (and conversation) to figure out how you are going to be as a couple.  Are you going to do everything together?  Do some things together and some things apart?  And how do you each feel about that? 

How does your husband feel about you doing things without him?  How do you feel about him doing things without you?  These are two great questions to talk about between you.  

I raised an eyebrow at the cousin's comment that "it is not fair that he is always with me."  Really?  What business is it of hers?  This is for you and your husband to work out, and then everyone else has to live with it.

Also, if your husband has been blaming you for not hanging out with his friends and the cousin, then he is the one who needs to set the record straight.  And in a perfect world, then, the friend and cousin should apologize to YOU.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003

What his friend and cousin said to you was very inappropriate.  They are blaming you when it ultimately is his choice to not go out with them.  Also, you are his wife and I don't care what they think is "fair", you are the #1 person in his life and they are not.  I think your husband needs to have a talk with his cousin too and she needs to apologize to you before you should consider welcoming her back into your house.  I don't get the "It's not fair that he's always with you" argument.  It makes no sense, especially to say that to you and not to him. 

Also, their strong opinions are a warning sign that something may indeed be rotten in Denmark.  It sounds like you haven't done anything so bold and public to warrant such certainty on their behalf that YOU are the problem here.  It really could be that your husband is giving them a different impression of your relationship and they think you are controlling because of it.  I think it's worth it to investigate the reasons why they said what they said because if it's your husband putting ideas in peoples' minds about you that aren't true, he's assassinating your character for his benefit and that is a HUGE red flag.  That is a big problem that is not pleasant to face but must be dealt with, and may signal a larger problem that has negative implications concerning his loyalty to you.  Maybe it might be a good thing to call the cousin and ask her how she got that impression of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

To put things in perspective, the OP is married to an Italian and they live in Italy.  While I find some of the comments offensive, keep in mind that this is a country where a married man who did the "bunga bunga" got elected ...  And women voted for him, too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003

LOL.  I am Italian.

I had no idea the OP was living there.  The culture is much different and so are the values.  They don't share the same views on intrusive conversation like our very Anglo selves do here.  We are very reserved in comparison.  Uptight, in fact.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010

Thanks everyone for you replies. I asked my husband if he has ever made a comment about me being angry with him for going to a bar. He said he might have said something in lines of that he has to go home because I'm waiting for him. He admitted that maybe he said in a disaapointing tone of voice so that might have given his friend an idea that I'm not happy when he is in a bar.

This whole thing is very confusing to me because during the week we always do things seperately, we both have hobbies; he sometimes goes out for pizza or drink on Thursday nights with his friends. On the weekend, we usually do thing together like going for happy hour or dinner, usually his friends join us as well. Sometimes they organize only men night, where they go for dinner and dancing. My husband sometimes goes and sometimes he decided to do something with me.

This is why I was surprised at the comments, It is true that he does not go out as often as before but he is married now and we do things with his family at least once a week and we do lot of things together. Either way I think that any questions they have, they should directed them to him.

Anyways, none of his married friends or the one who have a relationship feel this way, only his single friends off course. and his cousin, this is not the first time she has said something like this but now I think she crossed the line.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003

Hi Sunny,

I'm glad to hear that you talked to your husband and that he came clean about possibly giving the impression that you were controlling.  Is he going to talk to his single friend and cousin?  I think he really should as he is married now and things do change.  Also, it's none of their business and their thoughts of what is "fair" to them are irrelevant. 

I agree that they've crossed the line.  Culture differences aside, it's inappropriate and meddling. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010

His friend who made these comments said he wants to apologize to me so my husband said when we see him next that he will say something as well. So we will see what happens!

In regards to the cultural difference; I find it that here in northern Italy it's little bit different than in the south. What I  mean is that it is not as traditional as many people think. It is very common for men to go to a bar together with their wives, even children (younger couples anyways). Lot of times my female friends go out and children stay home with their fathers.

However, I have never heard anyone say anything to italian women on how they should be with their husbands. I think sometimes I'm an easy target because I'm not from here and my Italian is not perfect so maybe I cannot defend myself as easy as Italian woman would.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003

Where "up north" are you?  My family hails from just outside of Rome. 

Your Italian may not be first language fluent, but the next time that meddling cousin says something about your marriage, tell her to va' fa napoli:smileywink:

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010

We live just outside of Milano and I really like it here. My husband's most friends are very nice and they try to make me feel welcomed. However, I still have to learn how to argue in Italian :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003

Oh, I can tell you how to argue.  Get loud.  Use gestures.  For instance, put your arm up so that it's level with your shoulder.  Bend your elbow and use your hand and swipe it underneath your chin.  As you do this, say "Amici, sono stanco/stanca della tua bocca di merda".

Easy peasy! *insert evil grin here*

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