List of Advice to Affair Newbies
Find a Conversation
|Tue, 10-09-2012 - 12:33pm|
I see so many people new to As who have similar concerns and worries, the same ones I had 4 years ago when I first started coming to MAS for advice. There is so much I have learned since then, and much of it I wouldn't have realized without this board and the support and advice of others on here. I was thinking it might be nice to create a list of things all newbies in an A should be aware of. Of course, to some degree, every relationship is different, but there is sure a lot of good knowledge that can apply to almost every A. And then, when we get a newbie who is asking the question, we can refer him or her to this list as required prereading. Also, my entries are are targeted more at women who are in an A with MM, since that makes up the bulk of the newbies who are here for advice. So I will start with a few of the main things I have learned:
1) Your A is not totally unique. If you are like 90% of the people who had affairs over the history of time, your A is basically going to follow a pattern that is very familiar to MASers. First, there is mad infatuation (I never loved anyone like this, the sex is so amazing, he just gets me like nobody else, we have so much in common). Then there is wanting more, followed by pulling back. Then, basically is the longest phase of dissatisfaction interspersed with some good times. We can even almost give you a timeline! LOL...
2) Don't try to read his mind. You simply can't do it, and any time you spend trying to come to conclusion about why he didn't call you when he said he would will probably be wrong. And more dangerously, we usually let our analysis fall on the side of what we want to think (i.e. he pulls away because he feels too much, and it scares him). We can imagine oursleves into entirely different As than our AP thinks we are in. This leads to #3...
3) Actions mean EVERYTHING in an A. I guess this probably goes for all Rs in generally, but in an A, where the whole R is shrouded in some mystery and a need to lie to keep it a secret, words don't often mean that much. Actions show you if somebody cares. If he says he loves you, but he doesn't call you for a week after sex, he's lying. If he says he doesn't care about, but he texts you every day just to chat, he's lying. People may try to manipulate you with words, but actions are harder to control consistently, so pay attention to what the actions say.
4) You're not going to find something to fill that hole in your heart in an A. Most often, although our APs may add joy and fun to our lives, you will find you have ended up with two holes in your heart. If you are in an unsatisfying M, finding an AP is not going to solve that problem. You will just end up with two separate problems.
I'm curious to see what others have to add to the list!