Husband is getting TOO comfortable.

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Husband is getting TOO comfortable.
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 12:42pm

Hi all,

It's been a very long time since I've posted on these boards. For those of you from the past, I hope all is well. I've come here with a problem that I have no one to talk to about. The problem is my husband of almost 3 years seems to be getting a little too comfortable. What I mean by that is he doesn't seem to care about the things he used to. He used to dress to look nice when we go somewhere, keep his hair neat and attractive, and also weighed about 20lbs less.

I understand this must all sound very superficial, but when you look at the man I met and him now it's hard to believe it is the same person. I love him regardless of how he looks, but I put effort into my appearance because I want him to be attracted to me physically. I just wish he'd do the same. He constantly complains about his weight but does nothing about it. I've told him that we are BOTH going to eat healthy and I even started doing P90X Lean in an effort to get him motivated and wanting to do it as well. That was a failure and I ended up doing it all alone. I'd like him to make an effort not only for the outward benefits for but the health benefits as well. I feel myself turned off by the growing belly, unkempt hair and lack of effort in appearance.

How do I tell him how I feel without hurting him? Is that even possible. Any suggestions are appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 2:33pm

If you are the one cooking, slowely change the food for healthier and smaller portions ( smaller plates is a great idea) and start taking walks and doing things that doesnt seam like exerice.

I did this to my brother and he lost 20 pounds with out him understanding a thing.

Anyway, you just need to sit him down and ask him what is wrong because something else is bothering him then  just being too comfortable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 10:16pm

When you Dh complains about his weight, why don't you offer up suggestions then? He has opened the door to the conversation...if he gets defensive/upset/etc then just say, "I'm sorry. I thought you were genuinely asking for help and suggestions." That should end any hurt feelings :smileyhappy:

What is he interested in doing? Are there team sports he might want to join? (teams are better just doing solitary activities that you can put off or shift around. They have a schedule and they need you to be there to contribute)

As to the hair thing, give him a gift certifcate to the spa for this next anniversary/x-mas/bday gift. Tell him you love him but you think it would breath some new life and energy into your r/ship if he got a new do.

My poor DH has me nagging him about his weight ALL the TIME. I try to stop myself but I usually notice after I've done it. He understands that the reason is two fold - the first is that I struggled with weight for a long time and now that I've got it done, I've turned my attention to him :smileyhappy: And the second is that when someone (like my DH and your DH) are always saying they are going to do something - you need them to do it! It's a respect thing. What kind of person are you? The kind tha tstands by your word...that follows through...or not?



Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 6:31pm

I agree with RoseAnn,
Go for the healthy ness of you both,
Stress how important that is so you two can live a long life together.
Also would it help if you suggested you two maybe go on a small shopping spree ?
Or when you are getting ready to go out .. suggest some shirts/things you like to him & see if he is open to that idea.
Good luck & let us know how it goes :smileyhappy:

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 4:21pm

It can be a delicate balance to let someone know that their attractiveness is slipping without it sounding superficial.

I would suggest focusing on the health benefits of eating better and exercising. DH and I recently started working to lose weight. We've done this in the past and have always found that we're most successful at it when we're working together as a team. I pack us healthy lunches, we work together on planning healthy dinners and having better snacks on hand and we boost each other when our willpower starts to fade.

We've also been going for walks more frequently together. One of our dogs had surgery this summer and part of her rehab was to go for longer and longer walks so that got us in the habit. Now DH says he wants to keep up our morning walks until it's either too cold or too dark to continue. LOL

It might also be worth exploring whether your DH might be suffering from depression. Symptoms can include lack of care about one's appearance.

Good luck and I hope you can both get on a healthier track, both physically and maritally!