I have no Self-Control and I feel like a slut...

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I have no Self-Control and I feel like a slut...
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 12:50pm

If you have read my previous posts you know that I drunkenly confessed to my BF of 6 years that I cheated. At first I tried to deny saying that but I couldn't carry on with that. I have since then insisted that it was a ONE time deal only. My BF wants to believe me....key word "wants". He has asked me to leave now a couple of times but then takes back what he said. He tells me that he loves me and that he is trying to put everything behind him but it is not that easy. I really wish I could say that I get it but I don't. I don't even know what he is going through or feeling. I want him to just forget what I said and did. I know it is easier said than done but I really wish that would happen.

This past Sunday, my BF basically broke it off with me. We were supposed to go to the movies. I got ready to leave. He was still watching tv. He wanted to fool around instead of going to the movies. I was not in the mood to fool around since we had already fooled around in the morning and the night before. He wants sex all the time and I do not want it all the time! I told him no that I did not want to fool around and to forget it about going to the movies I was fine with not going. Well, that led to him telling me that him and I don't have anything in common and that we needed to break up. So much for my Sunday....I am still here at home since I have no where to go. I need to find a place to live and a paying job. I work for him and I am a realtor. Both "jobs" don't pay! I really hate my life and myself right now. I feel like a 31 year old loser...

Getting to the No Self-Control.  The OM that I cheated on with ONLY ever contacts me via text messaging. I know that I should not be replying but I can't help myself. I think a part of me gives in to his texts messaging because when he does text me I am thinking about him. This past Friday, I was on my way home from work. I was thinking about him and what do you know!?! He texted me. I guess he just likes knowing that he can get attention from me even if it is just via text. I don't know if he actually thought I was going to drop what I was doing to go see him. According to him he was at work. Our texts turned sexual and he asked that I meet him by were he was working. He is such an a-hole! And I am such a dumb slut!

On Sunday when my BF and I were arguing and I was by myself I decided to text the OM. Did he ever reply to me!?! NO! I feel like an idiot. I texted him asking why he was such a tease. No reply. Bastard.  I have no idea what his point in texting me Friday was all about. Back in June he did the same thing to me. I hadn't seen or heard from him since May. Out of nowhere one day in June he texted me. The following day I texted him and he never replied to me. So that was it for me or so I thought. In July out of nowhere he texted me and I replied! He asked if he could call me. He did. He called to tell me he had a Gf now and he felt bad for not telling me. Whatever! Told him to delete my contact. I ended up seeing him a week and a half after that phone call. Nothing happened between us. I saw him delete my contact from his phone but he didn't delete my actual number. Well, in August out of nowhere AGAIN he texted me. And my dumbass replied. I ran to him! I am so disgusted with myself. Since then I have seen him twice. The last time I saw him he told me that him and his XGF had gone out to dinner. Said that she was having a hard time getting over the break up. Ugh...

Anyways, the OM makes me feel like such a dumbass and I feel like a slut knowing what I did with him. I can not believe that I hooked up with him. Him and I are 2 very different people. The only reason he hooked up with me was because I was this "hot looking girl". And the fact that I am younger than him and Latina and he had never been with a Latina before made me more enticing to him and I am guessing that is the ONLY reason why this man ever continued to text me. At one point he did say that I made him happy. That was way at the beginning.  Of course I made him happy. I was at his beck and call. Whenever he wanted some all he had to do was text me and I would run to him. I am soooooo mad at myself.

Now, I have ruined a good thing between my BF and I. I feel lost and confused. I do think that my BF and I need a break from each other or we should just break up. I do still love my BF but I do not feel in love with him. We have been through so much and there is now a lot of anger and resentment and I have thrown more fuel to the fire by having and confessing to cheating. Thist past Sunday he told me that he wanted to meet someone that would make him happy. That hurt.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2012
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 3:41pm
I guess your BF has now figured out the truth that you don't love him & that you have been seeing , texting & talking with your OM even after he found out about the affair. were you expecting him to stay
with you you after knowing all this ?
Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 6:37pm
love_guru, I must have missed where she said she didn't love her bf. She cheated, and she feels bad enough. Does she expect him to stay? Obviously he is very torn, thus maybe she does.


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Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 6:54pm
You did what you thought was the right thing to do... You came clean. Now you need to learn self control. This other guy does nothing for you, gives tou nothing, yet you run to him when he texts. He isn't worth the pain you are causing yourself and your bf. I think you should cut it off and work on your r.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 12:41am

I don't think you sound like a dumb slut!  You sound like a person who is having a hard time, and who is trying to figure out what the heck she wants from her life.  Sometimes figuring that out is not easy at all, and sometimes we make some big mistakes on the way.  BUT the most important thing is that we use those mistakes to learn from, and to grow, and that we try hard not to repeat those mistakes when we have moved beyond that point in our lives.

The thing that stood out to me is the feeling that you don't feel independent.  Right now, it sounds like you are not satisfied with your accomplishments in life.  I think it is hard to make clear decisions about love when you feel obligated to somebody in your life, whether it is emotionally or financially.  It's hard to know what decision you would make about love when you feel like you cannot survive on your own.  I was in that same situation when my A first started.  I worked PT, but it wasn't enough to support myself.  When my M started to fall apart, I couldn't figure out what my really feelings for my H were, because my decisions were influenced byt the knowledge that I really couldn't make it alone, not without a major change of lifestyle.  Once a got a FT that paid better, I finally started to feel more secure.  I could tell what my real feelings were.  Plus, my new job offered me a large new support system to make me feel better overall.  

That's the thing...when you feel like you don't know which way is up, it's easy to get caught up in these men who are not good for you.  I found myself tolerating behavior I would never normally accept, and going back for more!  But eventually, when you start to rebuild yourself and you feel good again, they won't have the same allure.  You will find yourself wanting sane people who treat you decently.   I was sooo happy when that started to happen again!  To me it was a big sign that I was starting to heal from the bad times that had led me to act in some really crazy ways.  I don't think you can rush it.  That's why you keep going back to your AP---you aren't ready to let go, and no degree of self-discipline will make that happen right now.  But I do think improving yourself will help.  Work on weaning yourself from your H.  Get a job that has a regular paycheck since realty is too sporadic for most people to survive alone.  I know it is a daunting prospect, but you can do it!  


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 8:03am
Great post Jane, you are so good at getting things out to everyone that visits this board. You are a blessing to all who post here!