Not sure where I belong

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Not sure where I belong
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 6:23pm

It isn't as though I'm infertil, well it is, but it was by choice.

Let me explain- I got pregnant once at age 16 after a coworker forced himself on me. I didn't have to struggle with the decision of if I was going to keep my rapist's child because I found out at the gyno appt that the pregnancy was ectopic. It had to be terminated. It was hard for me, but I was able to move on, holding only a little bit of pain. When I was 21 I got involved with my now husband. Though we were safe, somehow I ended up pregnant again. I had a miscarrage two weeks after I found out I was pregnant. It hurt a lot, but I tried to look for positives in the situation. During the 4 years we dated I ended up getting pregnant 2 more times. Each time I miscarried before I hit my fourth week. Each loss got harder, but I managed to move on. I started saying I didn't want children. It was easier then pining for something I kept losing.

We got maried and moved to a new state. We had a home, we had a life, we both had sucessful jobs, everything was going right. Well that is until I got a DVT. The doctors did some blood tests on me and put me on a blood thinner. Results came back from the test and I was told I had a rare genetic disorder and one side effect was therist of DVTs. I did further research and found out that it also put me at risk for miscariages. Along with the blood thinner I was a very hostle environment for a pregnancy. I reafirmed my stand on not wanting children. So when I got pregnant for the forth time I just expected to lose it. But when I was still pregnant after four weeks I told my husband. We decided not to tell anyone else and just wait and see. A week past and I was still expecting and I started to get excited. Even today I think that was my mistake. I shouldn't have invested emotions into it. I lost the pregnancy just 2 days shy of week six.

This time the loss absolutly distroyed me. I overdosed on the medication I had on hand and fell into a coma for 3 days. After I was stablized I was sent to the psych ward to get stable mentally, too. I decided I couldn't go through another loss and told my husband that we were not going to have children. He was going to get a vasectomy and I was going to get my tubes tied. I wasn't going to leave anything to chance. My husband agreed readily and we had the procedures done. I was fine with it for the last five years. I was able to work with children and see other people's babies without the feeling that I was missing out.

July came round and the desire to be a mother came back and strong. My sister just had a baby it broke my heart every time I saw her because I couldn't have one. This month my best friend announced that she was expecting, another friend of mine is far enough along  that she is showing. I wen't and played a role playing game with the friend that's showing and I couldn't look at her without feeling like my life is missing something.

Sorry this was so long, and probibly doesn't belong here, but I needed to get it out and I don't feel comfortable enough talking to people I know. I don't know. I don't feel like I can tell my husband. What am I supposed to say? "Honey, you know how I had you get a vasectomy? Well that was a mistake. So now can we have the doctors insurt a syringe into your scrotum and retrieve some sperm so that we can try for another pregnancy that isn't going to last to term?"

I'm broken, and I can't want a baby. It just isn't going to happen for me. Four years I was OK with not being able to have children. How can I get back there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 1:12pm
To be honest, I'm not sure I can tell you how to get back to that place of not wanting a baby. That's a hard one! But I think the best thing to do is to talk to your husband and see where he's at with things. Would he like to have a child if he was able to? Just tell him what you are feeling, or perhaps both of you could speak to a infertility counselor together. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone that is not personally involved.

If you two do decide that you want to pursue having a baby, it can be done. I have found out myself in the past few months, that there are many answers to infertility. There is donor spern, egg, or embryo to consider. IVF can be done even if you don't have your tubes anymore. I really hope you figure everything out. Keep us posted! :smileyhappy:

Jemma (35) and DH, (37). Married October 13, 2007 and TTCing since April 2008. Dealing with PCOS, swollen tubes, and also MFI. Committing myself to getting healthy and losing weight in preparation for IVF later in 2012.

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 4:05pm
(((HUGS))) radtkester, I'm sorry that you have been through so much. I also think you should talk to your husband about how you are feeling, it could be that by talking to him you could both work towards what you ultimately decide to do. Have you thought about having a baby through non-traditional methods like surrogacy? I hope that you are able to find peace again with whatever you decide.