Not sure where I belong
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|Tue, 10-09-2012 - 6:23pm|
It isn't as though I'm infertil, well it is, but it was by choice.
Let me explain- I got pregnant once at age 16 after a coworker forced himself on me. I didn't have to struggle with the decision of if I was going to keep my rapist's child because I found out at the gyno appt that the pregnancy was ectopic. It had to be terminated. It was hard for me, but I was able to move on, holding only a little bit of pain. When I was 21 I got involved with my now husband. Though we were safe, somehow I ended up pregnant again. I had a miscarrage two weeks after I found out I was pregnant. It hurt a lot, but I tried to look for positives in the situation. During the 4 years we dated I ended up getting pregnant 2 more times. Each time I miscarried before I hit my fourth week. Each loss got harder, but I managed to move on. I started saying I didn't want children. It was easier then pining for something I kept losing.
We got maried and moved to a new state. We had a home, we had a life, we both had sucessful jobs, everything was going right. Well that is until I got a DVT. The doctors did some blood tests on me and put me on a blood thinner. Results came back from the test and I was told I had a rare genetic disorder and one side effect was therist of DVTs. I did further research and found out that it also put me at risk for miscariages. Along with the blood thinner I was a very hostle environment for a pregnancy. I reafirmed my stand on not wanting children. So when I got pregnant for the forth time I just expected to lose it. But when I was still pregnant after four weeks I told my husband. We decided not to tell anyone else and just wait and see. A week past and I was still expecting and I started to get excited. Even today I think that was my mistake. I shouldn't have invested emotions into it. I lost the pregnancy just 2 days shy of week six.
This time the loss absolutly distroyed me. I overdosed on the medication I had on hand and fell into a coma for 3 days. After I was stablized I was sent to the psych ward to get stable mentally, too. I decided I couldn't go through another loss and told my husband that we were not going to have children. He was going to get a vasectomy and I was going to get my tubes tied. I wasn't going to leave anything to chance. My husband agreed readily and we had the procedures done. I was fine with it for the last five years. I was able to work with children and see other people's babies without the feeling that I was missing out.
July came round and the desire to be a mother came back and strong. My sister just had a baby it broke my heart every time I saw her because I couldn't have one. This month my best friend announced that she was expecting, another friend of mine is far enough along that she is showing. I wen't and played a role playing game with the friend that's showing and I couldn't look at her without feeling like my life is missing something.
Sorry this was so long, and probibly doesn't belong here, but I needed to get it out and I don't feel comfortable enough talking to people I know. I don't know. I don't feel like I can tell my husband. What am I supposed to say? "Honey, you know how I had you get a vasectomy? Well that was a mistake. So now can we have the doctors insurt a syringe into your scrotum and retrieve some sperm so that we can try for another pregnancy that isn't going to last to term?"
I'm broken, and I can't want a baby. It just isn't going to happen for me. Four years I was OK with not being able to have children. How can I get back there?