thinking too much

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
thinking too much
13
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 10:54pm

Prior to about two weeks ago, everything was fine in my A, untul he made that comment.  Since then, I have been thinking and thinking and thinking some more.  We have never really talked about our feelings about one another and to be honest, until about two weeks ago, i have never really thought about them myself.  I have been reading more and more posts here and am beginning to wonder is there something wrong with me.

I have reflected on my emotional affair with my AP  and I have realized a few things...

1.  i really really like talking to him

2.  although I have been married for 20 years, i dont think i am a long term relationship kind of person

what really helps me to enjoy my AP so much is the fact that I never see him, is that crazy?  who am i kidding all of this is crazy!

sorry for ranting but this post represents the craziness of my thoughts, they are all over the place and i am trying to get them under control.  this is the only place i can talk about all of this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 12:56am

If you have that much going on in your head, try writing it all out; whether it's here or in private.  I don't know why reading posts here would have you wondering if something is wrong with you.  We may all be at different stages, but we're all in the same boat.  Why do you think your not a LTR kind of person if you've been married 20 yrs?  I don't think it's crazy at all to enjoy your AP more because you never see him - makes perfect sense to me.  It also makes sense that suddenly talking about feelings would have you thinking things through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 6:49am
I think the comment has just made you think about things differently. Prior to that, you knew where everything stood and what your A was about, now it changed. So your mind is trying to work out ideas, thoughts. We women tend to over think! Not seeing your AP keeps you on level ground, you know what is expected and what to expect.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 7:13am
I guess nothing has really changed except me. He made the comment and it made me feel like a slut, which was not his intent, atleast thats what he said. I love the newness of a relationship and you cant have that w a ltr, maybe thats why i ended up in an A. I was not looking for this at all, we talked online and it really grew from there. His view of me is really important to me and i just cant get that comment out of my head. There were a few posts that said actions are more important than words and his actions over the past years have have said, i like this woman, but its those few words that have thrown me from comfortable into a tizzy. I am fully aware that this tizzy maybe self imposed for no reason but im still in it.
I have to apologize to you guys for getting my thoughts out here, i dont want to do it on paper, this is a safe place for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 7:46am
I apologize for being so random.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 7:58am
Don't apologize for how you feel, ever. It is all part of how an A works on your mind. Having this place to come to and express yourself, gives you an outlet to your thoughts, feelings and frustrations.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 9:03am

You have nothing to apologize for! That's what this board is for - to get things out. Don't ever feel bad for expressing yourself.

I think the comments he made are definitely red flags.  If you're content with it being only an EA, you could tell him that when it comes to sex he doesn't seem to know what he wants and maybe you could leave that out of your R for now.  He's gotta work it out for himself, and if he's throwing out comments about "bad boy" and only oral, he's not mentally prepared for an A and it's going to end up causing you a lot of pain.

I think anyone would be upset to have someone they cared about say those things.  His view of you, though, is never more important than your view of yourself!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 9:30am
Thanks guys!!!! Create, i was fine with all those commens he made. I am not so sure i want physical aspect to this.He was a bachelor with lots of "friends". He said his GF became his wife, he got married for the first time after the age of 40 and they have been married about 5 years. So i can wholeheartedly understand his hesitation, confusion or whatever it is, quite frankly i am there too. It was his comment that i need and want d*ick that is bothering me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 10:31pm
So this afternoon as my ap and i were texting back and forth, i said to him i know what you're thinking in regards to the topic. After telling him, he said nope and said he was thinking of something he wanted me to do to him sexuallly. I said drive up here and i will. I made it perfectly clear to him i was serious. He went along with it until i said so yes or no. I have a sneaky suspicision he just likes to talk about and has no intention of actually doing it. Needless to say as accomodating as i was he didnt come (no pun intended). He excuse was he wanted me to
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 10:43pm
Not have to get home after my H. Once again i am overthinking what any of that could have meant. I am stuck on he doesnt want me but does he keep communicating w me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 8:23am
Well think how much safer he feels, keeping you at arms length. Perhaps he fears rejection or it could be he fears his performance skills. Maybe he is afraid once he lives the fantasy things won't be the same, so he is afraid to open the door to the next step. Maybe he feels enough guilt with the chatting that he fears the effects of a full blown affair. There can be so much going on in his mind and you'll probably never know the why's and if's of what he is thinking. So then the real question for you is....what do you truly want from your A and will you be able to get that from your AP?
~Sunny~

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