messy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
messy
19
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 11:49pm

I guess i will bore you all will my story that is exactly like every other one on here!  Happily married for 18 years, 2 kids all good. Started new job 3 years ago and become close with a married co-worker, just good mates, chatted blah blah blah same old thing...then we flirted a little more and after a function  we somehow ended up the only ones left at, we kissed, it was nice, we laughed about it the next day and decided we would never tell anyone else and that it could never happen again he had been married for 25 years and had never even looked at another woman, but we both wanted more, we spent more and more time together at work, emailing jokes back and forth, 6 months after the first kiss came another kiss, we started texting a little and slowly a relationship grew. We started seeing each other after work a couple of times a week and taking RDO's together to go on day trips, picnics, boat trips, lunch dates.  We spent 20 hours together one day and still didnt run out of things to talk about..we fell in love.  We were each others BFF's.  We shared everything, he brought me lunch everyday at work, his leftovers from home the night before.  We kissed each other more than we had our partners in our lifes. We talked about how to leave, how we could be together, we could never find a way, he has 2 disabled children that are cared for at home and need constant care..its just so messy.  4 weeks ago his wife took him to a hotel for his birthday while the kids were at respite, he walked out on her and told her he wanted a divore and he wanted to  be with me. I was so happy but not sure i could leave my family, but i am so in love with him...anyway i didnt get the opportunity to make the decision I dont know what happened but he text me to say i cant be a part of his life anymore and that the last 2 years have been the best 2 years of his life but he needs to do the right thing and care and provide for his family.  The W is making his life hell, we work together so the NC is not an option, over the last 4 weeks he has told me he still loves me numerous times, then some days he is so cold to me he cant even look at me and it kills me.  His W has sent me some very nasty emails and she has told him he is not to talk to me, she is losing it, she has resigned from her job and becoming physically violent towards him.  My H has no idea, i cry everyday.  I cry the days I dont see my AP and i cry the days i do see him and leave him.  He is constantly in my head, the first and last thing i think about everyday, i dream about him every night.  He is the same, he says I am just always there in his mind, and he dreams about me every night as well.  how the hell do i move past this?? please help..am i even making sense??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
In reply to: Tily6
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 6:36am

dont think i am ready for this forum yet sorry guys :smileysad: and thank you so much for all your advice, i totally agree with everything you say, just not ready to make it happen.  hope to be back real soon!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
In reply to: Tily6
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 9:01am
While I am sorry Tily won't be joining us yet, I think Lolly's post was really powerful. Lolly, could you post.it in.the HL??
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
In reply to: ratherbeme
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 9:46am

Most of us REALLY were not ready to be here when we came. The failure rate of first timers is high because we just aren't/weren't ready to end it forever.  It's too scary to give up something that we think has possibilities to be better.

You know the right thing to do.  What the right thing for you, your family, and your AP, is but giving up is the hard part.  Just exactly like an addiction.

If you come back to read this, be aware, we will be here to welcome you back, support you, when and if you choose to end the madness.

For all involved, I hope it's soon.

 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
In reply to: alwayslolly
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 12:17pm
We'll be here - it is the great thing about this place -

Tily - I know it's hard to hear. Like RBM says - we all struggle initially in ending and the fail rate is very high. It took 3 times for me to make NC/LC stick - and the first response I got when I came is much what I posted to you by our boardie Luvin. Best of luck to you while you sort these things out.

and thanks rain - I can and will!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2012
In reply to: messedup2012
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 5:33pm

I totally agree with Lolly's post "He chose to stay in his marriage REGARDLESS of the reason he didn't choose you. Regardless of the fact that he at one point asked for a divorce HE DIDN'T CHOOSE YOU."

My XAP came up with all kinds of 'tragic' reasons why he couldn't leave, but in reality all his reasons were just a noise - he just didn't want to, he chose someone else instead - as Lolly says, he didn't choose me. Even now I get the occasional 'miss you' or when he knows I am going away for work (he used to come with me) a 'wish I was coming too'. What nonsense, as though there was some physical barrier stopping him from being with me - he could have chosen me and then he could be travelling with me, he wouldn't be missing me - but he didn't choose me. I think that is a very hard thing to take, it certainly bruises the ego terribly and 5 and a half months later I am still not over it and still not sure whether I'll stay with my husband or strike out on my own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
In reply to: Tily6
Wed, 10-17-2012 - 8:01pm

UPDATE:  yes i am back...already!  In the last week, i have tried LC - it was torture and I have tried being friends - it was also torture.  So here i sit at the crossroads not knowing what road to take, i ask myself what it is that i actually want...and the answer is i want to be a cake eater!  I dont want to leave my H but i still want my AP. Is this normal or am i just being selfish?

I have read and re-read all your post to me numerous times, some of them make me feel better, others just make me feel bad, very bad!  

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
In reply to: Tily6
Wed, 10-17-2012 - 8:01pm

UPDATE:  yes i am back...already!  In the last week, i have tried LC - it was torture and I have tried being friends - it was also torture.  So here i sit at the crossroads not knowing what road to take, i ask myself what it is that i actually want...and the answer is i want to be a cake eater!  I dont want to leave my H but i still want my AP. Is this normal or am i just being selfish?

I have read and re-read all your post to me numerous times, some of them make me feel better, others just make me feel bad, very bad!  

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
In reply to: happyasme
Thu, 10-18-2012 - 12:20pm

Tiley,

I’ve just read through this thread and am relieved that you have come back.

Cake eater, Yes!, well no, I mean this is a very important a-ha moment, realizing all we wanted was to be cake eaters.  Wanting it “all” is normal, but we need to stop and think if it really is “all”, being half a wife, half a mother, half a lover, putting  H or xAP on a shelf to wait their turn when you are with the other, being put on a shelf while xAP is with his W.  How is that having it all?

You will go through a gamut of feelings as you go through the ending.  It’s important to sit through them and ride out the wave, they will pass.  They will be powerful at times, but the important thing to do is not act on them.  Feelings are just feelings they do not give meanings to people or event in our lives, so all the sadness and crying doesn’t mean that it was love, it just means that you miss the chemical high, the addiction of being in the A, in a fantasy of your own making where you are a cake eater.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Thu, 10-18-2012 - 1:07pm

I was a classic cake eater too.  I would never have left my husband and young family.  xAP would never have left his young family (we lived an hours flight from each other so it would have meant one of us had to leave if we decided to be together.  Never gonna happen).

And sure, there were moments after I ended when I thought "cake is good, I want me some cake.  Just one little bite won't hurt"!

But the problemis, it is never *just cake*.  There is all kinds of other stuff that comes along with that.  Guilt and shame about what you are doing.  Waiting around for AP to contact you, never knowing how he really feels.  Being put on a shelf.

Blech blech, blech.

Will it hurt you to get out and stay out?  Asolutely.  No question.

Is the pain worth it?  For me it was.  I couldn't take being in the A any more.  And quite frankly, I am glad to be the one that ended it.  He would have eventually I think since I was so p*ssed off at him all the time (not that he really knew that, I played it pretty cool.).  I got out before I ended up sounding like a crazy person.  There is something about an A that makes even the most accomplished and competent woman end up feeling like a needy, whiny child.  This way, I got to exit with dignity.

Good luck to you my friend.

 

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