messy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
messy
19
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 11:49pm

I guess i will bore you all will my story that is exactly like every other one on here!  Happily married for 18 years, 2 kids all good. Started new job 3 years ago and become close with a married co-worker, just good mates, chatted blah blah blah same old thing...then we flirted a little more and after a function  we somehow ended up the only ones left at, we kissed, it was nice, we laughed about it the next day and decided we would never tell anyone else and that it could never happen again he had been married for 25 years and had never even looked at another woman, but we both wanted more, we spent more and more time together at work, emailing jokes back and forth, 6 months after the first kiss came another kiss, we started texting a little and slowly a relationship grew. We started seeing each other after work a couple of times a week and taking RDO's together to go on day trips, picnics, boat trips, lunch dates.  We spent 20 hours together one day and still didnt run out of things to talk about..we fell in love.  We were each others BFF's.  We shared everything, he brought me lunch everyday at work, his leftovers from home the night before.  We kissed each other more than we had our partners in our lifes. We talked about how to leave, how we could be together, we could never find a way, he has 2 disabled children that are cared for at home and need constant care..its just so messy.  4 weeks ago his wife took him to a hotel for his birthday while the kids were at respite, he walked out on her and told her he wanted a divore and he wanted to  be with me. I was so happy but not sure i could leave my family, but i am so in love with him...anyway i didnt get the opportunity to make the decision I dont know what happened but he text me to say i cant be a part of his life anymore and that the last 2 years have been the best 2 years of his life but he needs to do the right thing and care and provide for his family.  The W is making his life hell, we work together so the NC is not an option, over the last 4 weeks he has told me he still loves me numerous times, then some days he is so cold to me he cant even look at me and it kills me.  His W has sent me some very nasty emails and she has told him he is not to talk to me, she is losing it, she has resigned from her job and becoming physically violent towards him.  My H has no idea, i cry everyday.  I cry the days I dont see my AP and i cry the days i do see him and leave him.  He is constantly in my head, the first and last thing i think about everyday, i dream about him every night.  He is the same, he says I am just always there in his mind, and he dreams about me every night as well.  how the hell do i move past this?? please help..am i even making sense??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
In reply to: Tily6
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 8:07am
Well, Tily, that is indeed very messy.
It is very hard. My situation had some similarities. Happily married. Friends for a long time before the A.

He has made his decision from the sounds of it. He is staying in his M.

Since that it the case, the only thing you can do is accept that. You need to stop the ongoing declarations of love. You need to stop talking to him except when it is *absolutely* necessary for work.

Can you look for another job? Because working together does prolong the agony.

It very hard, I won't lie. BUT, it gets less hard over time.

But waht you are doing now, continuing to engage with him, will just rip you apart.

I am.so sorry. Much love and strength to you.
Rain
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: Tily6
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 8:37am

Good morning, tily6...and welcome to EAS

You've come to the right place to help you clean up the mess.  And as you do, things will get better...slowly but surely...I promise.

The affair is now over.  If you didn't work together we would be advising going no contact (NC), but seeing as you do, you are faced with limited contact (LC).  There's a thread in our Healing Library on how to maintain LC...just scroll down from the front page.  I'll bump it up to the top for you.  While you are there, check out other threads....start with those that resonant with you, but then still read as much as you can.

First thing that needs to be made clear is no more personal conversations...no more declarations of love  From here on in, it's got to be only work related.  It's not going to be easy, but it is doable.

I know it doesn't feel good now, or like he did you a big favor by ending it, but over the course of time and as you settle into acceptance, you will begin to feel better about yourself as you begin to regain your self-respect and start living again with integrity...and you will relieved that he it did and so it did not get any messier.  Check out the Discovery-Day thread in the H.L. as well and see how it, indeed, could have become even messier. And, if his wife is this upset, pray that she does not go to your husband.

Hang out with us and read all you can...even threads not directed at you...participate as much as you can.  Reach out for support as you begin to detox from this toxic relationship.  The withdrawals can be intense...we are here to support you through this.

((hugs))

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
In reply to: Tily6
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 9:38pm
Tily,
First of all - big hugs to you. This initial ending is tough. And you are right it is messy, and emotional and draining and scary and overwhelming.

When I came here, reading my story in so many other posts made things worse - I wanted to be the miracle story I wanted to be unique and have something wonderful - and at the end of everything I left both my A and my 20 year marriage, my job, my old life. I tried LC and it was almost my end.

He has closed the door, and while it doesn't feel like it, he has given you a gift. Right now - grieve, be angry, be hurt, grieve some more. Breathe in and out, get dressed every day, breathe in and out some more. Each day, do something unordinary - serve someone, do random acts of kindness, get back into a hobby or reconnect with old friends - give yourself purpose. With time, comes healing.

The hardest part is letting go without answers. It is saying goodbye to old habits, routines, and giving in to indulging in fantasy. Stop renting him headspace - stop waiting for him to want you back. He fed your ego and emotional needs for a while, but now it's time to take back your own control - and figure out what part of applause, acknowledgement, adoration, and approval you have been unable to fill yourself and figure out ways to fill those.

Trust me that your H has SOME idea - he may not know the reason, but it's rare that they don't see changes and issues and the level of unhappiness that you are going through. Would he be supportive of you changing jobs? Without telling him why, would he support changes in your routine at home? Do you want to reconnect with your H? You talk a lot aobut what he wanted, what he needed, what he and his wife react - but what about you? Who cares if his wife is making his life hell - it's HIS life. he CHOSE this. Just like you. Worry about YOU.

I know - easier said than done. But you can do this. YOU can do hard things.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
In reply to: Tily6
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 10:29pm

Thank you all for your oh so wise words of wisdom..hopefully in time i too will be able to help others just like me.  However right now i cant even help myself.  I have spent many hours pouring over the stories in this forum all are very sad, they all have a sad ending, i guess the happy endings never look for a forum such as this as things turned out to be "happy ever after" so here we only hear the tragics.

I still must be in denial as after reading this I still believe my story to be different, my xAP is not your typical AP, he bought me many gifts over the last 2 years even an engagement ring (my H thinks i bought it for myself for my birthday) i wear it everyday. My xAP was available to me 24/7 he said i could call or text anytime as I was his number 1 priority.  My xAP would take me out to beautiful restaurants, he never cared if anyone saw us (no one ever did), we always held hands and were very affectionate in public. My xAP always said "I want the whole world to know how much I love you"  when we were together and when his W would call, he would hold my hand and smile at me as he spoke to her, neither of us pretended not to love our spouses as we both do very much, but the love we have for each other is different, my xAP and I were both married very young to our first partners, we both thought we had it all until we met each other, our relationship grew very slowly as we were both frightened of starting an A, neither of us wanted that, but in the end thats exactly what it was a big A! 

The last 4 weeks have been like a roller coaster, he has called a few times, sent some texts and emails, the days at work that he is his normal self he chats to me, and we have fun mucking around doing silly stuff, Friday nights our office stops work at 4pm for drinks, just last week he went and bougth my favorite champagne that we always shared together, he said "if i can't be with you, i can at least share a drink with you" together we drank the whole bottle.  Then we chatted on the phone as we drove home.  I love these times but its just torture afterwards.  We had NC over the weekend and by Monday I thought i can do this, we can work together and still be friends, he text me during the day, just work stuff but on my private phone.  Tuesday morning he was the Ice man, he slammed doors all day, other staff commented about how fowl he was, he spent most of the day in his office with the door shut, (we have open door policy) and when he spoke to me he couldnt even look at me.  I guess he is dealing with the same feelings as me and is just trying to cope.

I know everyone will say I have to find another job, but i love my job and the people I work with.  I also do not want to continue with the A.  I just want to get over him so i can be happy again with my H, but I dont want to stop loving my xAP either.

My xAP told me last week the next time he holds me it will be forever.

Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
In reply to: worthmore
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 11:58pm
Hi tily.

What did you do to deserve his Ice-man-door-slamming? That's quite a swing from holding your hand in public. And quite another one again to the bottle of champagne.

Endings are tricky. Be careful not to fall into a trap of waiting for the ending to be over, some kind of temporary state. You don't have to sit on the shelf where he put you until he can hold you forever. You can let him do his thing without reference to you and you can re-engage with your H without reference to xap.

Remember that he was also available 24/7 to his wife, as evidenced by his taking her calls while he was with you. Do you think he held her hand and smiled at her while he talked to you?

Go ahead. Dive back into your life. Don't worry about xap. He'll take care of himself. You just take care of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: withclarity
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 12:08am

That's right, tily6...but not to worry. Your not alone in that regard.  Most of us initially tend to chum up with good ole denial when we need to convince, or justify to, ourselves that it was okay somehow to step out on our marriage, our husbands, our children and engage in an affair. The reality is, though...we were all behaving badly.  Not saying we are bad people...we are generally good people, as you will learn once you get to know us...just people behaving badly. 

Oh, we can convince ourselves that it was some great love story, but how can that be when we have two people colluding with each other in the deceipt and betrayal of their loves ones?  People who love one another don't ask that of each other and would never want each other to participate in an activity where they could lose it all.

No, there's no great love story happening.  What we DO have is two people lacking solid boundries and who, for reasons within themselves, crossed the line.  Two people who, for, again, reasons within themselves, could not remain true to their vows. Two people who were all to willing to jeopardize their happy marriage, full-time parenting rights (because getting busted may lead to divorce and joint custody), lose the love and respect of family members, friends, potentially lose their jobs, lose their standing in the community.  You can't even imagine the ripple effect...until it happens.  Sure, everyone's list of justifications is different, but the common thread here is that we are cake eaters.  

Now, the main reason I mention all this because it is extremely difficult to move forward and heal if we hold on to the notion that we are losing some great love of our lives.  It's best when we get real (not being snarky...just sayin'), and stay real, with the reality of it all.  

Your decision to leave or job or not is totally up to you.  You may eventually find that working in such close proximity just won't work.  You may be able to make it work.  You'll get a sense of that as things unfold.

For now, do the best you can using the guidelines of LC in that thread I directed you to. If you are really serious about ending it and getting over him, you're going to have to take some serious drastic steps. LC is a challenge.  But it certainly isn't going to work if you are both still chatting it up and making non-realistic declarations.

You do not have to hate your affair partner...you can detach with love and harbor no ill-will towards him.

((hugs))

Clarity


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
In reply to: Tily6
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 2:43am

Once again thank you all so much for taking the time not only to read my story but to reply, I am very grateful xxx

I have read the section on LC and it all makes total sense in my brain, but do I have the willpower to actually do it? I don't know, I don't know if I even want to??

In regards to my xAP speaking to me on the phone while his wife was around, yes this did happen and so to me with my H, as we work together and as far as everyone knew we were just good buddies, there lies the other problem, people at work will start to wonder why we have stopped hanging out together and having lunch each day. 

I had a small lightbulb moment when I read about being put on the shelf, yes you are totally right! he also still has our song as the ring tone on his phone and I have to listen to it ring 20 times a day. Its a song he chose called "she's my ride home" the lyrics are quite brutal about killing partners and running away together for life. 

anyway thank you all again so much and I hope I will be able to move on quickly and stop my sooking.

mwah xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
In reply to: alwayslolly
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 6:30am

Oh sweet Tily,

Trust me I understand the desire to stay in denial.  But here's the hard cold facts. 

You are not unique.  Your story has been told at least 60-100 times in the past two years.  My own story is reminiscent of yours - He was my first love, we traveled all the time to be together, everyone knew - our spouses, our kids, our families.  We worked in the same field and even to this past summer he has tried to get me back working with him.  He still to this day has my favorite song as his ringtone.  You are not unique.

This great love story - he didn't choose you.  He chose to stay in his marriage REGARDLESS of the reason he didn't choose you.  Regardless of the fact that he at one point asked for a divorce HE DIDN'T CHOOSE YOU.   By your own admission in your first post you were unsure of leaving your own marriage for him - trust me this is no great love story.  Neither of you chose to commit to the other fully.  And now he's ended it.

About a year after my A and M ended (by my choice), I realized that there was no way to ever get back to just friends - that's the truly messy part of all this - you will try.  You will blame yourself - you will blame him, you will keep a stiff upper lip because his situation is so hard...you will cry and hold on to the "love".. but let's take a look at you.  WHY do you want to be a part of this friendship?  Is he the only possible provider of feeling beautiful and sexy?  Is he the only one on the planet that understands you?  NO!  It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, that what he tells you doesn't impact you - but again, HE DIDN't CHOOSE to keep you in his life.  He will take full advantage of the fact that you stick around tho - he will pour on the "at least we can be friends", he will use this - and you will use him until one of you stops being willing to take crumbs..

As for people at work - who cares what they think?  Trust me that you are not so important that they'll all run gaggling and ogling the fact that you are not friends - WHO CARES.  We all had some kind of fallout whether at work or in our social circles or whereever - we ALL thought it would be more awful - but it wasn't. 

You sounds afraid to be out of this - and it is scary.  It is hard to hold your head up and not let those old emotions of love, lust, friendship - whatever - rule you.  It is hard to do things that are new in an environment that is comfortable.  Moving on means doing hard things to make a difference for yourself.  Not for him.  Low Contact can help but you have to embrace the mentality that this is all really over.  Play out the scenarios - stay friends.....keep hoping he'll come back to a non-commited life with you (since you aren't sure if you could leave your family to be with him either).  To what end will this become a fairy tale come true?  You will always be the woman he had an A with. 

I'm sorry if this all comes off harsh, but there is danger in denial.  Denial leads us to think we can still be "his special someone", that you'll have a 'someday" and you miss living out all the normal days with your spouse and kids (do you have kids? - I know he does) waiting for the elusive happiness that lives just outside your reach.  Denial takes away real love and replaces it with many other destructive feelings.  Don't accept denial.

My best to you - PM if you ever need to talk.

always

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
In reply to: Tily6
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 8:15am
Tily, this post by Lolly is spot on. Itis hard to hear but it is the truth.

I.decided.to end my A because it was ripping me apart. We did try to be friends. Not right away, but after 4 months of NC. It was h*ll.

Decide that you are nit going to be a doll on a shelf until.he is ready to play with you again. You are worth so much.more.than that.
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
In reply to: ratherbeme
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 8:26am

Great post, Lolly!

It's always hard to give up the fantasy.  The way that we WANT it to be.  Trouble is, it's not that way, and will never be that way.

Smoke and mirrors.

I hope when the fog moves out, that everyone sees it for what it is.  Fantasy!

 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

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