17 years-just separated

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
17 years-just separated
4
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 11:59pm
Hello everyone. I am new here and looking for advice/recommendations as what to do. I am recently separated (two weeks) from my husband of 17 years and thinking on Divorce. We have two children DD 15 and DS10 and kids live with me. I have had many problems trusting my husband .We have been married this long because i didn't find the courage to leave him until now. this is the problems. Ii have with him...when i was Pregnant with my son he would always tell me he wanted to sleep with a good friend of mine which he met because she would come visit me often. Nothing ever happened between them. But he always told me he wanted to have sex with her when we were in bed and he begged me for a year to ask her if she was willing to take the offer. I told him absolutely not and I was not willing to share him if we were married and he wasn't too happy about that . Time passed and he continued to tell me he wanted me to have sex with another man while he watched and possibly joining. I told him no way that I was not willing to do that. He continued to pressure me for many years after that. He would tell me he wanted to have sex with other women but only if it was ok with me. I told him no. I never gave in. He would also tell me he found young girls very attractive like as young as 15! We are now 45. When he would see pretty girls he always told me about it. It happened all the time. At grocery stores, at my aunts house and some were my cousins which he would tell me "o my God, she is so pretty"! I never seen anyone so pretty and he would start asking me questions about them. I got so fed up with him and started not trusting him and eventually sleeping in separate rooms. I dont know of him ever having an affair that i am aware of aside from the emmotional affairs he told me about. he says he tells me everything because he loves me and wants my ok on it. he has many sex fantasies that he wanted to carry them out and i was so diss appointed andI feel I don't love him as I used to as he hurt me a lot. He never carried them out. well thats what he tells me. i just dont trust him. He also told me he wanted to get circumcised at age 40, i found that too odd. he also told me he wanted to get a tatoo on his arm and that one he wanted he had seen it on a porn star. We had other problems with him doing bad things at his job that have caused him to get fired and i would tell him many times to stop and he never did so when he got caught he got fired then again at the other job he got the same thing. He would swear he was gonna change that he won't do it again and he did so he got fired again. This man hardly drinks. Does not smoke or do drugs. He works and brings in a decent check which he gives me all his money for me to manage it. He is a very good financial provider. I always take care of everything all he does is work and come home and sleep. He does all the outside house work when the kids are home instead of him doing it when the kids are not home so when they get home from school he could spend time with them but he doesn't manage his time to be around the kids. The kids don't really miss him as he was Hardly around. I have had numerous conversations about all the things he did to me that really hurt me and about spending time with the kids. He tries but I'm still dissatisfied as I feel he is not doing enough. He tells me he works and he is tired. i also work and come home and continue but he doesnt help. he doesnt cook, clean, or do nothing other that cut the grass. He has hurt me so much and I don't trust him. He wants us to go to counseling to see if we can work it out but I'm not sure what to do. He has his own apartment and he calls me and tells me "look, I want to be with you, do you think if I didn't I would be out looking for someone to bring to the apartment but I'm not", that makes me not trust him. He says its all in my head and I'm totally wrong. That I am possessed! I'm so confused. Please give me advice. If I am making a big deal out of nothing please let me know. He is making me feel that I am leaving him for no good reason.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 3:59am
I would try going to councilling with your husband. It may be that he is addicted to porn and that is the sorce of his preoccupation with sex and having other partners. DId you ever try role playing as an alternative? Being married for a long time can get boring and with porn so available on the internet, a lot of men need additional stimulation in real life, though having an open marriage is not a great solution, especially if you have no interest. If he says he's never cheated and has kept an open line of communication with you about his fantasies and is willing to go to therapy with you, there's a good chance he hasn't crossed the line. You can discuss this issue as well as his general lack of assistance on the home front with a therapist. Even if you decide you can't make it work, it's a good idea to at least try. Divorce sucks, big time.
Sadly, I will tell you that I had similar convos with my STBX about his desire to have sex with seemingly everyone who walked around and watch me with other men, etc., but he is bipolar and would watch porn constantly and want sex every 5 minutes when he was in a "manic" state. He'd also do stupid stuff at work and be generally irresponsible. I'm not saying your H is bipolar, but it's something to think about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 8:24am
You are NOT making a big deal out of nothing. My H and I have had sex problems for a long time and part of that is because he would pressure me to do things that I did not like, enjoy, or find appropriate. Being intimate with someone requires an enormous amount of trust to exist between both parties. And marriage requires trust if it is going to thrive. I agree with mcpayton - I think you should try to go to counseling with your husband. It sounds like a lot of the other areas of your relationship and marriage are ok. If you can work through this you may be able regain trust and fix the marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 11:34am

I have to disagree with the other 2 posters--the whole time you have been married he has been disrespectful to you--I can't imagine telling his wife that he wants to have sex with her friend--and to keep bugging you about it, constantly talking about how pretty other women are--no wonder you don't trust him.  to me, he's gross.  It's one thing to act out fantasies and keep up an exciting sex life, but I don't agree either that it should involve other people.  Plus he's had emotional affairs, does "bad things" whatever that is (I'd guess sexual harrassment) to get himself fired at work, doesn't spend time with the kids.  And after 17 yrs I doubt he's going to change any of this behavior.  I still think you should go to counseling with him, but I seriously doubt it's going to save the marriage--but sometimes that's what counseling is for, to get the people to see their issues more clearly, so I don't think it could hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 11:22pm
Thank you all who responded to my post. I feel so much better already. I will take it one day at a time and look forward to attending therapy. I have to admit that my H is trying to make this marriage work lately. He calls me to see how we are doing and of course if we need anything. I will keep you posted.