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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
this board
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Wed, 10-10-2012 - 10:00am

Just thinking a lot last night and this morning about this board- the good and the bad of it. I love it that it is generally so open and currently there are people contributing from various stages of the Aland (beginning, middle of, ending). We welcome everyone at any stage and I think are pretty darn nonjudgmental and supportive. But here is the bad part of the board and I just wanted to put this out there mainly for the newbies. I thought of this after reading many of their posts the past week or so. And not that this is really BAD- it is something to just keep in mind with the board. A's cause so much turmoil and second guessing and basic overthinking of EVERYTHING in your life. Be careful not to apply everyone's individual experience and post directly to your life. Only YOU truly understand every single aspect of your situation. This board is great for advice and support- but you have to ultimately make the decision as to what is best for your relationship with your AP. At times during my A, I have read things on here and began obsessing that my AP must be doing or thinking certain "bad" things. It actually caused a couple of blow ups. Mainly because this A has made me feel pretty insecure at times what with the secrecy, my M problems, the divorce, AP still married, etc. His actions and words have always been the opposite of what my imagination could conjure up fueled by what I read on this board. When we had these blow ups he probably thought I was insane. We worked through it and he made me understand that in no way was he thinking or doing what I was imagining he was. Actually, if I would have just concentrated soley on what he was saying AND doing (JJ is so right that you HAVE to really look at his/her actions), then the blow ups would have never happened. So, I don't know if I'm making any sense what-so-ever. Just take a look at your individual situation before drawing connections between a post and what you think is or should be going on in your relationship. I guess that would be my newbie advice. :smileyhappy:

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
In reply to: ss2211
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 10:39am

Well put, always remember to take advice, whether it be on this forum or elsewhere, with a grain of salt.  :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
In reply to: ss2211
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 11:32am

Very well said!  I've been thinking along the same lines.  Some of us have been in A's a long time, or are now XAP's, and hopefully newbies can benefit from some of that experience.  Especially clear communication and not looking to the AP to be the answer to your problems.  We definitely share common ground in an A - we've all been through the crazies, the heartache, the excitement, etc.  But no one peice of advice is going to apply to everyone.  Take what you need from it, and choose your own path.  No one here is going to stop supporting you if you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
In reply to: ss2211
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 12:39pm
I concur to all that you have said here SS, I strongly relate to the part about having big blow ups as a result of being influenced by negative experiences on this board, and coming across as 'nuts' to AP. To date, in my 4 year affair, I have yet to discover a lie, or an inconsistency come from AP. I agree actions speak the loudest, and that's a certainty that we should all live by in all aspects of our lives.

Every individual is so complex, with many various influences and factors that contribute to that, therefore it resonates that every relationship has a dynamic of their own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
In reply to: ss2211
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 1:44pm

SS,

This is not a debate board, but I will go ahead and disagree with you on your main point.  Yes, no two situations are exactly alike - but, unless one has his/her head buried deeply in the sand - one can learn a great deal from the pattern of comments and situations desribed on this board.  The smarter people take what is learned from the consistent patterns (learn from the rule, not the exceptions).  Those who wish to instead excuse away their own situation as 'different' are the ones most vulnerable.  To use a cliche, if only I had a nickel for every poster 'late' in their A cycle who exclaimed "I thought we were different! HA!"  Take those words to heart, folks. 

I read your post as a long way of saying that "everyone's situation is different."  No, not really.  If you read posts for 10 years as I have, you see the remarkably consistent patterns and very predictable outcomes. 

While I agree that all are responsible for their own decisions and hence outcomes, I think your message is a dangerous one.  Telling everyone to take what others write here with a grain of salt adds to their peril.  Instead all should be encouraged to incorporate ALL that is learned through reading here.  Don't pick and choose this piece or that piece which helps you feel better at the  moment.   See the wisdom in the patterns of what you read and let them protect you from harm. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.   

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 2:47pm

I think what SS is trying to say is that everyone has a right to their own feelings and experience.  Not everyone comes here looking for help to end their A.  They might just want to vent.  Or maybe they are unhappy and do need advice to get out.  So in that regard, yes, each person needs to take what they need from it.  To say that the "smarter people" take what is learned is implying that anyone who's not at the same place as you is wrong.  To me, that's the dangerous message because it further stifles someone who might not have anyone else to talk to.  Everyone needs to figure things out for themselves and in their own way and time.  My concern is that newbies aren't really being made to feel welcomed and supported.  That could very well have more to do with where I'm at emotionally though.

This is a perfect example of how opposite people's opinions can be.  I think what's important is we all want everyone to feel stronger.  And I think (?) we'd all agree to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
In reply to: ss2211
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 2:54pm

Well stated create- yes that was the intent of my original post. FA you are basically stating the obvious here- yes there are definite patterns to As and if you have been reading this board carefully the past couple of weeks numerous of the posters have said that over and over. There is no debate here. I also think that people are drawn to message boards in their darkest hours. We vent. Say things we can't way anywhere else. And frankly if you take these boards too seriously and use them as your guide to decision-making in your personal life- THAT is what is dangerous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
In reply to: ss2211
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 2:58pm
I a newbie and i am here to vent because i have no one else to talk to about this. I am also here for advice and sharing. No two experiences are the same, two people could "experience" the same thing at the same time and their retelling and reactions will be differenf. This is not good or bad, its just diffeent. I for one take it all in, she what fits based on my situation,my pevious experiences and my thoughts and feelings. Again not good or bad, just different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
In reply to: ss2211
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 3:19pm
One thing about affairs, when you are living them you can't always see what is right infront of your eyes. Sometimes someone offers an objective idea and there is your ah-ha moment. No group of people will agree fully and you should read all the opinions and use what works for you. I am going to admit, I have felt and lived the stages and what do you know, in the beginning, I thought I was different. Just remember, never say never, because you don't know where this road will take you. Sometimes people see clearly through rose colored glasses and others don't, nudges either way can be helpful, just keep an open mind and be true to yourself. In saying that, I am saying be you, be real and don't make excuses for your AP's behavior, nor change yourself to match their needs because you are afraid they will leave. All affairs end one way or another, the question is....will you still be there holding hands when the fog clears? That is why in an A, it is most important that you be the real you!
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 4:22pm

I think what you stated is what is the obvious - that no single post should be taken as 'evidence' of anything.  But the gestalt of your post was that everyone has to consider their own situation before making decisions.   That gives one inclined to burying one's head in the sand license to ignore the spirit of ALL posts - because, you know, THEIR situation is different.

Agreed - anyone who is taking a single post and jumping to action based on that is behaving foolishly.  Anyone who ignores the pattern (and, no, I haven't read many posts in the past weeks, but I promise you I have read far, far more than most here in the past 9 years here - I said 10 earlier but miscounted).  In fact, this thread, almost verbatim, has been on this board before, many times.

In other words, been there, done that.  Seen it before - over and over and over and over again. 

If your intent was to ensure no one focuses a single post, then good for you.  I agree.  But most of the words in your post suggest that your frequent reading has shaped your thinking (not a single post).  

I don't wish the train-wreck about to happen to many people on this board on anyone.  I  am a fan of the person who tells me to make sure I know  I'm walking on train tracks to the person who tells me that probably those train tracks carry the kind of trains which don't kill people when they hit them.  I'm sure your intent was a good one (to help) and in earnest - but I would urge that your advice be that which is taken with a grain of salt.   It gives people looking for an excuse to not be smart all they need. 

Believe you are the rule, not the exception.   I know no one likes to hear that.  Likes to have their bubble burst.  I don't either.

Who is 'right' here?  Me, or you?  Well, we can't be sure, now, can we?  But, we can let history unfold and see how many current people on this board have happy endings.  How many people instead learn that their 'darkest hours' were simply harbingers of things to come.  Those 'dark hours' were not rare moments, but rather the truth of the situation bubbling to the surface, insisting on being expressed. 

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
In reply to: ss2211
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 4:31pm
Wow you sound so angry and bitter. I feel nothing but sorry for you.

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