Affair while seeking fertility...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2012
Affair while seeking fertility...
7
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 12:34pm

Hi. I'm 31 and had been married for 4 yrs with my life partner of 10 yrs. My husband and I had been trying to have a baby and we sought fertility treatment after about a year of trying. A few months into our treatment, I discovered he was having almost a year-long affair with a married woman -- all while we were about to undergo IUI to bring a baby into this world. I filed for divorce immediately after I found out and found myself thankful for not being pregnant (after wanting it so badly) and begging for no STDs. Learned it was unprotected sex too... all while we were trying to get pregnant. We finalized our divorce not too long ago and I'm seeking ways to rebuild from this betrayal (alone), move forward and find happiness again. My ex husband is no longer seeing this woman (stopped a week after I filed for divorce) -- his world crumbled and wants our marriage back -- reaches out to me constantly, which isn't healthy for me. I'm not turning back (it's over) but I now have so much fear and anxiety about never being able to open my heart again or trust someone after this betrayal.  Welcome any advice...   

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 3:27pm

Hi Newlife!!!

I, too kept asking why…Now I don’t give a f*&$k…

While I was separated I met my current boyfriend (Also a BS)  I am so happy with him.  It is hard to believe it, but I trust my BF. 

Yes, I have fears that some ho will put the moves on him and he will succumb.  Yes, I have fears that he will sleep with a desperate housewife (He is a contractor)but I know these fears are just in my head.  He is a great man and I love him dearly.

 Believe me, if I can trust a man again so can you (I thought I had no more trust in me after what my XH did…would not let go of his OW to save his life…Feel free to read my latest post on the “How did you find out” blog…or all the other posts I have blogged thru the years…)

It was a hard road for BF and me as we struggled for a long time each with our trust issues…His XW cheated on him and the GF after that cheated on him ...My XH was with OW for a long long time…

But my BF and I got thru it, three years together we are going strong…we are now talking about looking at places together…Be strong and trust me YOU WILL TRUST AGAIN…Spoken from someone who never thought they could trust  a man ever again…

I actually feel bad for XH.  He is almost 60 and filing for bankruptcy.  BF’s XGF tried to get back with him when he began dating me, stating that “She can’t find a good man!”  They broke up in 2007 and she has not had a steady BF since, keeps meeting men and breaking up, meeting men and breaking up, ect. ect....

I am doing real well and madly in love with the man of my dreams…He doesn’t treat me like a queen, he treats me like his best friend.

We are all here for you.  God bless and good luck…

Christy

A very happy woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2012
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 12:58pm

you know... i've asked him why and he can't even answer it. he wants it all back. he's doing worse than me, ironically. think its insecurity -- and people do these things to make them feel better (in a really selfish way)

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 4:30pm

I know. I've been there.

I couldn't stop asking her why?

 

 

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2012
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 4:03pm

Thanks. It's just so crappy and hurtful -- you can't imagine why someone would do that versus manning up before deciding to commit adultery.  Has just disillusioned me a lot...

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 5:40pm

 

In the book, "Getting Past the Affair" I read that all of the contributing therapists had counseled couples where the husband had an affair on the day their first child was born. Who does that? Dudes that are really screwed up.

Look, though this is hard stuff and not your fault, everyone gets a wakeup call here. Your ex for losing the love of his life because he didn’t learn how to care for her, and you hopefully get to learn that everyone is imperfect.

There are go guarantees that if you marry someone really great right now that they won’t be screwed up in ten years and cheat on you. That is how life is. Sometimes we have to take a chance on imperfect people with the hope that they don’t want to learn that lesson a second time.

I hope you find someone really awesome, who doesn’t take you for granted, and never disrespects you. I hope my unfaithful spouse has someone like that as well. 

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 1:19pm

I'm sure that you know in your head that there are faithful guys out there. Guys who will attempt to solve what ever problems that may exist in their relationship and, if needed, end the relationship before moving on to another woman. The problem that I see is taking what you know and applying it to your emotions.

Perhaps you should find a guy who has the above scenario in his history as history does tend to repeat itself.