Is he addicted to porn or does he have ED?!?!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Is he addicted to porn or does he have ED?!?!
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 7:07pm

My bf and I have been together for 1 1/2 years and live together.  He is 32 and I am 28. Up until about 2 months ago, he had only had problems "getting it up and keeping it up" a handful of times. I didn't think anything of it until now. For the last 2 months, he has this problem more often than not. I've tried everything....wearing lingerie, oral, different positions. Sometimes it helps, but not always.

Well, a few months ago, I was using the internet on his phone and saw his browing history. It had A LOT of porn. I mean A LOT...and all in the last week. He admitted it but not ALL of it. He swore that some of the sites he goes to direct him to others sites and there are pop ups (I have done research and found this to be true). Well, I was really cool about it and even said "I know guys do it but try and lay off a little. If you are feeling "worked up", come to me and have sex with me." The reason I said this was b/c I noticed since the beginning that I initiate more than he does. I figured maybe his sexual appetite wasn't as big as mine...then I saw the porn. Like I said, he admitted it and said he'd lay off. Well apparently, his co worker told him that those sites can cause viruses and such and that he should delete his history often. While I don't know if this is true, he does it. A lot. I have looked at his history many times and most, the history has been deleted within the last day or so. He gets Maxim magazine, which I actually paid to have renewed as a gift before I found out about his habits. Knowing he looked at them never bothered me until now. Now, I feel insecure and like I am not doing it for him. Even since he said he would lay off the porn, I have noticed him looking up hot pics of half naked girls on often. Almost daily. I told him it bothers me and he said he'd stop, but he deletes his history so how do I know?!?! He doesn't know that I look so I can't tell him that I know.


Well, in the last 2 weeks, his (what I hope is ED and not me) has gotten worse. I have told him a million times that I am going to be supportive and understanding and he even thanks me all the time for how great I have been about it all. But now, it's like he doesn't even want to try. I initiated last night after an almost 2 week dry spell and after a few minutes, things went well. But again, I had to initiate it. I honestly don't know what to do. We have both done research and he says that he gets so nervous when we are about to do anything  that his heart starts racing and all he does is worry and it makes him limp. Even if I try oral, sometimes, I get NOWHERE! He gets really frustrated and mad (at himself, not me). One thing that I noticed helps often is when we do it doggy style. Then, all I think is about is "is the reason he likes this b/c of porn or b/c he can't see me and I don't do it for him???" I am doing everything I feel that a good gf can do but don't know what to do anymore. Yesterday, he said he won't watch porn or look at pictures AT ALL until we get this figured out.

So how do I know if it's ED, Me, or if he is just addicted to porn? He swears it's not me and that he is VERY attracted to me. I'm lost, confused and honestly, becoming depressed and unwanted. Please give me some advice!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 10:44am

Age 32 is a bit young for a guy to be suffering from ED. It is normally a condition for men my age (49) and older. Some medications such as anti-depressants can impede functioning though. There are also some rare medical conditions, but I emphasise "rare".

If he hasn't started with new medications in the last two months or so, I would suspect excessive masturbation. If he absolutely insists it isn't, have him go ASAP to a urologist to look for those rare conditions. If he won't go or the doctor is clueless, then again presume it's from a porn addiction. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers with an addiction. An addiction only stops when the person involved acknowledges the seriousness of the problem and realizes it is imperative to end it. Your boyfriend is probably a long way from that stage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 7:18pm

There is a big problem if he can’t get it up for when the two of you are intimate but he is still looking at porn. Unfortunately Visitor, pornography is a big issue for a lot of men. And I think a lot of men have a hard time both admitting that and being honest with themselves about their own porn use because they don’t like to think that they are being controlled by a product when they are. 

ED with a real woman can very much be a side affect from too much porn even for young men. Infact, I’ve read articles that talked about an increase in young men experiencing ED because they are over stimulated by simulated sex through pornography. I think the only think that is really going to help you is you go to a relationship counselor and you both work through this issue together. I don’t think this is something you can fix on your own. I don’t know if I would really believe your boyfriend when he says he stopped looking. Usually men tell their girlfriends what they think they want to hear to make them happy but sometimes they hide what they are really doing. Especially when it comes to porn. Ask him to go to a counselor with you. Tell him that you have been feeling insecure about the pornography issue. Come clean about how you found out. If you want him to be honest with you, you need to be honest with him. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 10:55am

Hi, Visitor. I can completely empathize with you. My BF is a little obsessed with porn, as well. I've known that since the beginning and it never really bothered me because we're both very sexual people and it never seemed to have a negative impact on our sex life. However, even though he has no problem getting hard and staying hard, he only ejaculates like 70% of the time. I mentioned it recently, asking if there was something I could do differently, etc. and he just apologized and swore it wasn't me - he's 45 and on testosterone therapy which he thinks may be the problem. I actually mentioned that guys who watch excessive amounts of porn and get used to being stimulated by simulated sex can develop these problems, but I don't know that I got through to him. I can't complain about the sex - it's always pretty amazing but I tried to explain to him that just as he gets turned on by knowing he's made me orgasm, I like to feel that I'm responsible for his orgasm as well. Anyway, you're not alone out there. I think this is becoming an issue in a lot of relationships and with porn being so accessible now, I can't see how it's likely to improve any time soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 11:53pm

Mav, at 45, how are are the women he regularly looks at in porn? I doubt they are also 45.