ED or Me?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
ED or Me?
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 7:11pm

I'm not sure where to post this so I posted it in two boards. I really need advice. :-(

My bf and I have been together for 1 1/2 years and live together. He is 32 and I am 28. Up until about 2 months ago, he had only had problems "getting it up and keeping it up" a handful of times. I didn't think anything of it until now. For the last 2 months, he has this problem more often than not. I've tried everything....wearing lingerie, oral, different positions. Sometimes it helps, but not always.

Well, a few months ago, I was using the internet on his phone and saw his browing history. It had A LOT of porn. I mean A LOT...and all in the last week. He admitted it but not ALL of it. He swore that some of the sites he goes to direct him to others sites and there are pop ups (I have done research and found this to be true). Well, I was really cool about it and even said "I know guys do it but try and lay off a little. If you are feeling "worked up", come to me and have sex with me." The reason I said this was b/c I noticed since the beginning that I initiate more than he does. I figured maybe his sexual appetite wasn't as big as mine...then I saw the porn. Like I said, he admitted it and said he'd lay off. Well apparently, his co worker told him that those sites can cause viruses and such and that he should delete his history often. While I don't know if this is true, he does it. A lot. I have looked at his history many times and most, the history has been deleted within the last day or so. He gets Maxim magazine, which I actually paid to have renewed as a gift before I found out about his habits. Knowing he looked at them never bothered me until now. Now, I feel insecure and like I am not doing it for him. Even since he said he would lay off the porn, I have noticed him looking up hot pics of half naked girls on maxim.com often. Almost daily. I told him it bothers me and he said he'd stop, but he deletes his history so how do I know?!?! He doesn't know that I look so I can't tell him that I know.


Well, in the last 2 weeks, his (what I hope is ED and not me) has gotten worse. I have told him a million times that I am going to be supportive and understanding and he even thanks me all the time for how great I have been about it all. But now, it's like he doesn't even want to try. I initiated last night after an almost 2 week dry spell and after a few minutes, things went well. But again, I had to initiate it. I honestly don't know what to do. We have both done research and he says that he gets so nervous when we are about to do anything that his heart starts racing and all he does is worry and it makes him limp. Even if I try oral, sometimes, I get NOWHERE! He gets really frustrated and mad (at himself, not me). One thing that I noticed helps often is when we do it doggy style. Then, all I think is about is "is the reason he likes this b/c of porn or b/c he can't see me and I don't do it for him???" I am doing everything I feel that a good gf can do but don't know what to do anymore. Yesterday, he said he won't watch porn or look at pictures AT ALL until we get this figured out. He also said that he wants to go to the doctor but he has no insurance and can't.

So how do I know if it's ED, Me, or if he is just addicted to porn? He swears it's not me and that he is VERY attracted to me. I'm lost, confused and honestly, becoming depressed and unwanted. Please give me some advice!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to:
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 9:45am

There's a lot going on here.  Excessive masturbation can lead to a number of problems.  First of all, it can reduce sensitivity such that normal positions don't feel as good any more.  That might be why doggy-style appeals to him as it usually increases friction.  One thing you can may want to consider is exercising your kegels to strengthen your vaginal muscles.  You may also want to consider anal sex.  These techniques are meant to increase the physical stimulation.

The other issue with excessive porn is that it affects various neurotransmitters responsible for  feeling pleasure.  It may be that plain, vanilla sex just isn't enough stimulation for him anymore.  If so, you may want to consider upping the kink factor.  That will have the effect of increasing the mental stimulation.

Do you watch porn with him?  Are you open to more sexual experimentation?  While he should probably cut down on his porn usage, you can untimately only control your behavior.  These are but a few tips on what you can do to improve the situation.


Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 9:59am
I would not advocate anal sex (or lingerie, or oral sex) to cater to his problem. He needs to show willingness to solve this on his side. See a doctor. Cut out the porn. COmpletely. Until you are satissfied with his level of participation.

I am with Mol. At core this is about his ability to handle emotional intimacy. His ability to communicate. His willingness to solve problem jointly. Absent significant movement on his part to address these issues, I would not invest any more time or emotional energy in this relationship. Thank him and move on.

When you see it coming, duck!

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to:
Sat, 10-27-2012 - 2:33pm

One thing what medications is he taking?  Several medication lower sex drive and can effect erections.  Yes many people have favorite positions.  Also what are the attitudes about sex yours and his?  He may have emotional / cultural items that have not been resolved.  Porn by itself may have an effect but a lot has to do with the attitudes about sex.  What is your attitude about sex?