Find a Conversation
|Wed, 10-10-2012 - 10:36pm|
So I'm on break this week and I have been a complete slacker. My house is a wreck. My entire couch is covered in laundry that needs to be folded, my DD's toys are all over, my dishes are piled up, pizza box on the counter...a mess. And not like a "Ooh this place is such a mess" and you want to slap the girl because there is one dirty dish and one dirty napkin on the counter, but like a damn-you-should-be-on-hoarders sort of mess. And on top of that, I haven't done my hair and makeup all week because I am being totally lazy, and I spend a lot of time trying to look nice on school days. So, as I am putting my daughter to bed, I hear a pounding on the door. It's XAP. And I'm so embarrassed because I'm in a ratty old nightgown, my hair looks like a scarecrow's, no makeup, and house looks like a bomb went off. He was in the area dropping off his kid at a friends so he stopped by to say hi.
We chatted for a while, and the whole time I'm just cringeing thinking of how I look and how messy he must think I am. WTF??? I've known him for 20 years. What am I worried about? That he's gonna get cold feet and not want to marry me? LOL...It's ridiculous that I feel this way. Why?
I'm also feeling angry. It's been a little rough the past few weeks. I've been talking to a few new guys and really trying to balance stuff out in my life. XAP has conveniently been busy himself or pulling away somewhat this week. I will never understand how he (and others like him) seem to inherently know that exact moment he has to show some tiny sign of attention to me.
I embarrassed that my first instinct when he stepped into my house was to want to jump on him. But I'm glad that I didn't do one single untoward thing. It felt good to me that I was controlling myself that way, especially since I wasn't really sure why he was here anyway.
Ugh. That's all. I just had to vent bc it made me feel too many uncomfortable feelings.