Ack!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Ack!!!
21
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 10:36pm

So I'm on break this week and I have been a complete slacker.  My house is a wreck.  My entire couch is covered in laundry that needs to be folded, my DD's toys are all over, my dishes are piled up, pizza box on the counter...a mess.  And not like a "Ooh this place is such a mess" and you want to slap the girl because there is one dirty dish and one dirty napkin on the counter, but like a damn-you-should-be-on-hoarders sort of mess.  And on top of that, I haven't done my hair and makeup all week because I am being totally lazy, and I spend a lot of time trying to look nice on school days.  So, as I am putting my daughter to bed, I hear a pounding on the door. It's XAP.  And I'm so embarrassed because I'm in a ratty old nightgown, my hair looks like a scarecrow's, no makeup, and house looks like a bomb went off.  He was in the area dropping off his kid at a friends so he stopped by to say hi.  

We chatted for a while, and the whole time I'm just cringeing thinking of how I look and how messy he must think I am.  WTF??? I've known him for 20 years.  What am I worried about?  That he's gonna get cold feet and not want to marry me?  LOL...It's ridiculous that I feel this way.  Why?

I'm also feeling angry.  It's been a little rough the past few weeks.  I've been talking to a few new guys and really trying to balance stuff out in my life.  XAP has conveniently been busy himself or pulling away somewhat this week.  I will never understand how he (and others like him) seem to inherently know that exact moment he has to show some tiny sign of attention to me.  

I embarrassed that my first instinct when he stepped into my house was to want to jump on him. But I'm glad that I didn't do one single untoward thing.  It felt good to me that I was controlling myself that way, especially since I wasn't really sure why he was here anyway.  

Ugh.  That's all.  I just had to vent bc it made me feel too many uncomfortable feelings.  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
In reply to: janejosie
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 4:32am

You crack me up JJ!!! I really LOL reading this post!!!

Now the part where you say he was in the area and dropped in to say 'Hi' hmmmmmmm, sounds like a cliche excuse to me.

:smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
In reply to: janejosie
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 8:32am

I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one who's house looks like that right now!  :smileywink:

XAP used to say it was endearing when he'd catch me on days like that (??).  Perfectly normal to want to be at your best when seeing an X, and I'm sure he thought you were beautiful as always! 

I think it was you who said in another post that it's like they can detect any change in mindset.  You've been working so hard to have life be moving forward, I understand why you felt angry.

Good for you for slacking this week!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
In reply to: janejosie
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 10:57am
JJ my AP tries his hardest to catch me in ratty clothes and no make up. Turns the crazy man on. Maybe because he sees me put together every day at work. When he sees the real me he still likes it. Maybe even a bit more than the put together me. :smileyhappy: strange man!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
In reply to: janejosie
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 11:05am
That is hilarious! Maybe makes us a bit more real and human....but vomit? He MUST really love you. :smileywink:
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to: janejosie
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 11:09am

itstime---That would drive me INSANE!  I don't know how you can stand it, being his neighbor.  I am a pretty private person when it comes to my house.  I was raised by a very reclusive mother, and we never were allowed to have people over.  I just got used to it, so while I am a very outgoing and friendly person outside of my house, I am quiet and private at home.  I have been trying harder to get over that, but I will never be a natural-born hostess.  And although I have also been trying harder to look nice most of the time (like when I go to the store) since I am single, I'm pretty sloppy looking at home.  I definitely do not envy that part of your A!  I'd feel too on edge.

And thanks for the props about staying in control.  I'm pretty proud of that! :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to: janejosie
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 11:11am

tiramisu---Glad to give you a laugh :smileyhappy:  Thank goodness most awkward situations eventually become funny.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to: janejosie
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 11:14am

createsomething,  Well then I must have been extremely endearing then!   LOL...but you're right.  Even though he's a friend now, he is an ex still, and I guess we do want to look good when we see them.  Sometimes I feel like I have to wipe the whole slate clean and forget we were ever involved, since he acts that way, but that's not realistic, is it?  I'd be equally horrified if any other ex (except my XH) saw me and my house that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to: janejosie
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 11:20am

CC-Yes!  Boy radar. It sucks!  But the good news is, I don't feel all the way back to square one.  I did feel like it set me back last night, but then I gave myself a talking to. I had let myself think about it for a full hour.  I decided that was enough time, and that I still can't dedicate a bunch of time to something so pointless.  So I did some work instead (cleaned a little...lol) and chatted with a new guy I have been talking to recently.  XAP did text me at bedtime then, but I just kept it short and tried not to let it get inside my head.  It was crazy, though.  Last night, when XAP stopped by, I had been texting this guy and I just completely forgot about him...completely left him hanging...not on purpose.  I just forgot he existed.  I will be SOOO happy when somebody else means enough to me where I will forget about XAP like that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to: janejosie
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 11:30am

Maybe we can be Slob Sisters, sireanita!  LOL.  I have always been messy...no matter what the situation. I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets overwhelmed.  Thank you for reminding me that the people who love me love me despite my flaws.  My best friends said the same thing last night when I called.  She said, "It's a part of who you are."  I think I just feel extra paranoid about that because XAP's W is so neat and organized.  I just kept thinking he was thinking "Jeesh!  Glad I didn't end up with Jane.  I dodged that messy bullet!"  Oh well.

He has never been to my house before, since I moved here last September.  In fact, I didn't know that he knew which house was mine, but I guess he saw my car out front.  His son's best friend just moved to the neighborhood last month.  

I'm doing well!  I love autumn.  It makes me happy.  This is the first year my school system has tried the new calendar, and I am loving it.  Two weeks off feels very luxurious!  So are you officially done with your master's program?  Did you have to write a thesis?  I was soooo glad that my school offered a MA exam instead.  It was a really long, hard test, but it was way better than months and months of writing and revising!  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to: janejosie
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 11:35am

SS-I will never understand men!  LOL.  And the thing is, a lot of guys say they like women better without makeup, but then I always think they mistake natural-looking makeup for no make up.  I just don't see it, though.  I almost always think a woman looks more appealing with some makeup on (except maybe Beyonce...she's annoyingly perfect).  That reminds me, my sister was telling me that she read a story about Loni Anderson once.  She said Loni Anderson never want Burt Reynolds to see her natural, so she would set the alarm to wake up before he'd wake up.  Then she'd go do her hair and "put on her face." Then she'd go back to bed and pretend to be sleeping when he woke up so he'd think she always look that way.  Talk about exhausting!

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