Emotionally Numb towards my Mother

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Emotionally Numb towards my Mother
11
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 4:13am

This is about my mother.

Early in my life, she would always criticize me and compare me to my sister. She would slap me if I fail to put the keys to the key hole (which was too high for me). I was eleven when she got assigned to another country. We didn't have any babysitter because they cannot afford it. So, I took care of my siblings for 3.5 years. When my mother came back, she was different from when she left. That year, I discovered that she had a lover. I was so heartbroken, but I kept my silence because I didn't want to cause of chaos. But I wrote him a letter. The hitting did not stop during these times.

 College years came. I needed to go away from home. Middle of freshman year, she came over and stayed for almost two months. During that time, she was dating at least 3 guys. She told me I must keep my silence. Please understand that I did what was asked because, I was scared that she will physically hurt me again. Senior year came; I got fed up because she was texting and giggling someone. I told her, in front of my sister, to stop flirting with other guys because it was gross. She got flared up. She slapped me several times. Pulled my hair and "mopped" me around the corridor. She kicked me and I was told that I was very rude.

I started working a few months after that incident. She will sometimes ask me to fetch her from her office. But as we go, in the lift with us, will be her bf. He would kiss her and she will giggle and I staying behind them. During which time, she is also seeing someone else. This continued on until she finally met her current bf. Her current bf is jobless. What my mother earns is not enough for them so she asks money from me. I give her some because if I don’t, she sends me hurtful texts several times in a day and it is torture for me and I cannot concentrate from my work.

I am now married with a child. She wanted to take care of her with a 'babysitter fee'. Her rationale was that she doesn’t have to "ask" money from me, she worked for it. I agreed because she bugged me and again hurtful words and shouting. I just want her to shut up.

A few days ago, we had an argument about disciplining my child. She wants that she is able to punish the child but we can’t. That is a big problem because she is parenting her grandchild. She has always treated my little girl as her own child. But she also told me that she needs to hold on to her because she can cash out money from me. These words came out from her.

The argument became big because I told her to shut up. She then started saying nasty things about me in front of my own child. She said I wanted to kill my child. She said I was not a good mother. I asked her to please shut up several times and that I am talking to my child. Until such time that she shouted out loud "I WISH YOU WERE DEAD". That really got into me. That tore me apart. It was too much word for a small argument! She said it twice and I responded with a bad word that I don’t usually say.

I locked our family inside the room so we can have some space and avoid her "rage". She then took the knife and dared me to go out the room so we can stab each other to death. She also threatened to call the police and report that we were abusing her.

I sent her to my sister's home since. Right now, I am emotionally numb. I do not feel anything. I am not happy or sad or in pain. I do not know why I feel like this. It seems like every single emotion from me all shut themselves out. She has been texting me non-stop since she was sent there. Saying hurtful words. I am not replying. Some of which I do not read.

I do not know what to make of what happened. I know that I cannot comprehend why she told me several times that she wishes me dead. She can always tell me what a bad person I am. But to actually wish me dead, when I gave everything to her and my siblings, is something that seems to be too much for my head to digest. My emotions are all lost. I wish I can find my happy place soon. This numbness is scaring me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 7:17am

I have to ask, what did your husband think/say/do during all this?  Did he know how your mother treated you and still allow her to babysit?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 9:31am

My goodness, OP, your mother sounds incredibly disordered and you were abused horribly by her.  I don't know where in the world you live, but you need to  immediately stop having your mother babysit your child and get yourself into some therapy.  Your mother sounds like an evil narcissistic abuser, at the very least, or someone with an undiagnosed personality disorder.

You need to stop the access to your child right now.  She is not someone that I would trust to babysit and disipline my child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 11:00pm

You've started to see things differently because you are now a mother and a wife and are seeing the world from the eyes of someone no longer under the thumb of your abuser.  It takes time to untangle yourself from the negative thought processes that you learned and from the survival instincts you had to hone in order to live under such an abuser.  This is a positive step for you. 

How would you like to begin disengaging?  Have you considered a therapist?  Have you considered finding other affordable daycare options?  Would your siblings help you with this, or your husband's family?  These may be two very easy and very important steps, and they aren't completely intrusive to your gradual process of distancing yourself.  The important thing to do is to give yourself permission to take the time your mind needs to absorb this new perspective you're gaining.  In my opinion, however, no time should be wasted in getting her away from your child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 8:57am

The reason why I cannot afford a babysitter is because I was helping pay for my brother's and sister's college education and living. My mother needed to support her bf and her bf's child and I cannot do both. My siblings now are medical professionals. My brother is a doctor and sister is a pharmacist. That is why I cannot afford that time.

You have done more than enough for your siblings, now it is time to make your own family, i.e., your husband and daughter, your priority.  You mother should no longer be of your concern, and your siblings should be more than able to fend for themselves.

For the longest time I resented my mother for helping her paretns and siblings.  Some of that was out of necessity; some of that out of habit.  I felt that when she gave her time and money to her parents and siblings, I was being short-charged.  And indeed there were times my family would have been better off had she saved that money for "us" rather than being given to "them".  I have since come to terms with that.

While it is no comparison to the abuse you endured from your mother, it was nonetheless a very hurtful experience and something that underminds the relationship between a mother and daughter.   I would not wish your daughter to ever harbor that kind of resentment.  

I know my mom has been such an abuser to me. I have recognized that but failed to accept that because I love her that much.

It is not love, but a feeling you developed to "make sense" out of something, to justify a situation you had no control of.  Something that helped you coped with the abuse.  You should be very proud of yourself for digging out of your mother's control.  However, I also agree with the PP that perhaps you should seek the help of a therapist.

It sounds like you have a very supportive husband.  Please treasure your little family and make it your first priority, and keep your toxic mother away for good.  It would not be fair to your own family if you were to invest any more emotion, time, and money on your mother.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 3:51pm

I have not had a good relationship with my mother either,I discussed a lot of this with a counselor who gave me this book called "Surviving A Borderline Parent " How to heal your childhood woundsand build trust,boundaries and self esteem.   By Kimberlee Roth and Freda B Friedman ,PH.D.,LCSW  ... It is great book that helps grown children who have survived the abuse and mistreatment  learn how to cope wirh life now and to deal with that same parent now that you are an adult.  It has helped me more than anything else ,counseling was a big help ,but this book is a great tool to help us learn what to do now in ourselves to heal and know we are not the cause or reason for what and who they are and why they act the way do towards us and our children, family memebers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 11:42pm

You feel numb because you have been hurt and that is a survival mechanism.

¿Do you think it helps your kids to see things like that? That is domestic violence. IMPO, you have to be very strong and cut ties with your mom. Ignore her emails, ignore her insults, ignore her phone calls. She insults you, because she wants to have control over you and she knows you are warm hearted.

Probabaly it is hard for you to set boundaried, but boundaries are made to protect yourself. You have the right and duty to protect yourself. Stop helping your siblings and take care of the family you have made.

I know it is hard, it´s hard, but things will get worst if you don´t do it. So take coutage from the little one you have left, and fight for you peace and freedoom, no matter, who will you take out of your life.

Blessings!

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2009
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 11:31pm

Hi,

Thanks for all your replies. I dont know how come my profile became anonymous. But anyway, I was the one who posted this thread.

It has been a month now. I haven't answered to any of her texts and emails. Last week, she tried to call my office but I put the phone down. She bugged by sister to ask me to call her. And she even called my daughter's school and talked to her and told my daughter to ask me to forget about everything. My sister told me she needed money. And thus the "effort".

I agree, I guess I do have a different perspective now. I have somehow broken that shell that keeps me inside the abuse. I know it is common to have arguments with parents but mine , I guess, is different. It took me more than ten years to put up my courage and do this. Now, I am determined to stay away. Just simply stay away and live my life.

Yes, this is a very hard task. It still bothers me a lot. I still feel hurt and disturbed about what had happened and why it happened.

A few years back, I sent her away also and went to counselling before because of this as well. It helped me cope up but I fell into the same trap. I talked to her, sent her money and she came back to live with us. But now I realized how much of the saying "We cannot change old dogs" is true. There is so much that I see now. I am considering going to counselling soon. My counsellor is just on vacation. I need to...because I dont know if I did the right thing or if I am a bad person for doing this.

I appreciate all your replies. Each of you...*** HUGS ***... made me cry. I felt that you all understand what I am going through. I deeply deeply appreciate this. Thanks so much.