Emotionally Numb towards my Mother
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|Thu, 10-11-2012 - 4:13am|
This is about my mother.
Early in my life, she would always criticize me and compare me to my sister. She would slap me if I fail to put the keys to the key hole (which was too high for me). I was eleven when she got assigned to another country. We didn't have any babysitter because they cannot afford it. So, I took care of my siblings for 3.5 years. When my mother came back, she was different from when she left. That year, I discovered that she had a lover. I was so heartbroken, but I kept my silence because I didn't want to cause of chaos. But I wrote him a letter. The hitting did not stop during these times.
College years came. I needed to go away from home. Middle of freshman year, she came over and stayed for almost two months. During that time, she was dating at least 3 guys. She told me I must keep my silence. Please understand that I did what was asked because, I was scared that she will physically hurt me again. Senior year came; I got fed up because she was texting and giggling someone. I told her, in front of my sister, to stop flirting with other guys because it was gross. She got flared up. She slapped me several times. Pulled my hair and "mopped" me around the corridor. She kicked me and I was told that I was very rude.
I started working a few months after that incident. She will sometimes ask me to fetch her from her office. But as we go, in the lift with us, will be her bf. He would kiss her and she will giggle and I staying behind them. During which time, she is also seeing someone else. This continued on until she finally met her current bf. Her current bf is jobless. What my mother earns is not enough for them so she asks money from me. I give her some because if I don’t, she sends me hurtful texts several times in a day and it is torture for me and I cannot concentrate from my work.
I am now married with a child. She wanted to take care of her with a 'babysitter fee'. Her rationale was that she doesn’t have to "ask" money from me, she worked for it. I agreed because she bugged me and again hurtful words and shouting. I just want her to shut up.
A few days ago, we had an argument about disciplining my child. She wants that she is able to punish the child but we can’t. That is a big problem because she is parenting her grandchild. She has always treated my little girl as her own child. But she also told me that she needs to hold on to her because she can cash out money from me. These words came out from her.
The argument became big because I told her to shut up. She then started saying nasty things about me in front of my own child. She said I wanted to kill my child. She said I was not a good mother. I asked her to please shut up several times and that I am talking to my child. Until such time that she shouted out loud "I WISH YOU WERE DEAD". That really got into me. That tore me apart. It was too much word for a small argument! She said it twice and I responded with a bad word that I don’t usually say.
I locked our family inside the room so we can have some space and avoid her "rage". She then took the knife and dared me to go out the room so we can stab each other to death. She also threatened to call the police and report that we were abusing her.
I sent her to my sister's home since. Right now, I am emotionally numb. I do not feel anything. I am not happy or sad or in pain. I do not know why I feel like this. It seems like every single emotion from me all shut themselves out. She has been texting me non-stop since she was sent there. Saying hurtful words. I am not replying. Some of which I do not read.
I do not know what to make of what happened. I know that I cannot comprehend why she told me several times that she wishes me dead. She can always tell me what a bad person I am. But to actually wish me dead, when I gave everything to her and my siblings, is something that seems to be too much for my head to digest. My emotions are all lost. I wish I can find my happy place soon. This numbness is scaring me.