Just found out about my husband's EA..That to do next?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Just found out about my husband's EA..That to do next?
7
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 10:26am

So, after innocently seeing a text from AW on my H's phone (son showed it to me b/c it came up while he was playing on his phone), I got very suspicious.  My H denied anything was going on - although he did say this much younger female coworker did send a too "cutesy" texts and he knew I would be upset, etc.  He swore they were just friends saying things like -  our relationship is just friends, nothing more - she isn't attractive  - I am like the Dad of the office (he is in a senior role at a very young company) - etc.  I had always had a strange feeling about this woman, women's intuition is usually 100% correct - so I kept asking him about it all weekend.  Finally, on Sunday - our anniversary no less  - I walked into his home office and saw his email was left open.  Since we were supposed to go out that night to celebrate, I wanted to put my fears to rest and figured I had probable cause to look at this email (which I feel terrible about because I have never done that).

Unfortunately, I found an email string between them confirming my worst fears.  When I confronted him, he admitted they had gotten too close, had a kiss on a business trip and then spent about 4 weeks meeting for coffee and drinks talking about the kiss, spending time together, etc.  He swears nothing physical happened and the email I found does somewhat confirm that fact.  The hardest part for me has been trying to get over what the email actually said which was that they were thinking about going away on an overnight trip a few weeks ago when I was out of town.  She was actually the one who said she would feel too guilty because of me and our family.  That really made me so mad that this 20 something year old twit had better sense than my 45 year old husband.

He has taken full responsibility.  Been begging, crying, apologizing, etc.  He says it was a silly game and nothing more.  He has taken 100% ownership, knows it was completely wrong and hurtful.  Although I would say our marriage was OK - we were not as close as I would have liked.  Our physical relationship was and has always been very strong but emotionally, we are not that close as of late.  We were in counseling a few years ago but stopped going because I felt it was a waste of time since my H wouldn't ever follow through on the things the counselor told us to do.  My husband has anxiety and panic attack issues and in order to keep things in control, he is one of those people who never sits still, is always working, never content, etc.  Not making excuses at all.  In my mind he crossed a line - but that explains some of the issues we have in our marriage.

I just don't know what to do.  Can I forgive him?  Can I ever trust him again?  Can life be the same (he says it will be better because he is 100% focused on our marriage and making it better)?  Does the pain ever lesson?  I have lost 5 pounds in 4 days and am living on coffee and wine.  I can't keep any food down and honestly feel like I am losing my mind a little.

Any advice, thoughts, etc would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2011

ufgator92,  so sorry that this has happened to you. Just over a year ago was my Dday - my DH was having an EA with a woman from highschool for about 2 years and they got to meet once in person before I found out about it so I will always wonder if it got physical. You are right - it hurts just as bad and I find it to be harder to deal with than a physical affair (if he had physically cheated, I would have just left). Trust is hard to rebuild and again, that falls on him but it sounds like he is willing to work on it. May I recommend "Not Just Friends" by Dr Glass - explains alot about EAs and how to recover and set new boundaries for relationships outside of the marriage. Also, something that the book and my therapist recommended is that together you write a message to the OW explaining that it is over, why it is over and what is expected in regards to contact, etc so there is no question about what will be acceptable in the future. I wish you all the best!

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

Ufgator92: "Although I am no beauty queen, I am tall, very fit and take good care of myself."

Ok, this is sort of an important issue to wrap your head around. It has nothing to do with looks. I found a photo of one of the OM on the internet. Dude is a troll. I knew one of the men as a friend, also a troll. The rest ... zeros all. I ambushed my spouse with the photo I found. I went off on this ill-advised rant about how when she chose to cheat on me and the kids, she picked HIM!????

That isn’t the issue, had she cheated with Ryan Gosling I would be pissed because he’s better looking than me. She can’t win this. The issue is that she cheated. That’s it. Famous beauties get cheated on all the time.

Ufgator92: “in my eyes, this is just as bad so maybe it doesn't matter.”  

Yeah, women tend to hurt more from the emotional relationship and men tend to hurt more from a physical relationship. This is normal and your spouse won’t get that. If he does, I’ll be impressed.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007

Thank you all for the advice/suggestions.  I was finally able to eat a little today and exercise is and has always been a release for me.  I have kept my normal routine this week of working out and playing a lot of tennis.  It has been during those hours that I have felt the most sane.  That is kind of what has struck me as odd about this. Although I am no beauty queen, I am tall, very fit and take good care of myself.  I am sure I look everybit of my 41 years - however I am told I am attractive and usually have men talk to me when I am out with my friends.  This girl is not at all what I know to be my husband's "type".  She is short and sort of chubby - something he has never been attracted to in his life (according to his Mom).  Also, although I would have a hard time not going off on her if I saw her - I agree that 100% of the accountability lies with my DH.  She doesn't know me and has no connection to me.  He is the one that took the vow!  As I write this, I realize it is so cliched - the powerful man and the insecure girl who has never gotten much attention - ie Bill Clinton, Arnold S, etc.  Really disgusting!

My husband and I continue to talk throughout the day (he has worked from home this week and is trying to figure out if he can leave his job) and he is apologizing and taking 100% full responsibility.

I feel like I have to come to terms with this relationship.  I guess I will never 100% know for sure if it got to a physical relationship, but to be honest, in my eyes, this is just as bad so maybe it doesn't matter.  We have spent most of the week talking about what it was and wasn't and DH has been willing to talk as much as I have liked and has answered many questions  - now whether or not he is being 100% honest, I will never know.   My point is, I think I have all the facts I am going to get so now I have to decide if I want to work to try and forgive and move on or go the other path.  I do not want to put my kids through a divorce and I guess I am hopeful that if things work out, we will one day look back and realize this did change things for the better.  Proof is in the pudding as they say and I will have to see if my DH does commit to see a therapist and follows through and if he changes to be more "present" in our relationship. 

I am going to see our old therapist next week to help me sort out my feelings, however I think if we decide to see a marriage counselor together we - no make that DH - will have to find one who is closer by (our old one is kind of far now since we have moved and it would be hard for her to see her every week).

At this point, I can't imagine being able to forgive - and I am worried I will always worry when he walks out the door, but I guess I am only going to be able to answer those questions with time.  I am very goal orientated and want it done now - but I know that is not reasonable.

As for books suggestions - I would love them!  I am an avid reader and always like to read books on relationships if they come recommended as many I have bought on my own end up being garbage.

Again, any suggestions, advice or anything is much appreciated!

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

May I make a few suggestions?

Lose the wine. Now is the time to have your wits about you, not to have them dulled. As the phrase says, “feelings buried alive never die.” Alcohol will only compound your ability to work though the hard stuff ahead that you will need to take on directly. Do this clean and sober.  

Eat. Eat healthy food only. I remember having to just push a carrot stick in my mouth and chew. Fast food and junk food will not give you the nutrition you need right now to work to through your issues.

Start a modest workout now. You have stress to work off. Get on your back and do leg lifts, stomach crunches, shadow boxing, walking. If you can do a more aggressive workout, do it! And do it now. There are no tomorrows here.

Get a counselor. Spend the money, today is that rainy day we all talk about.

Read. I’m happy to suggest a few good books. Others have recommended really fine books on this subject as well.

As you do these things, you will be doing several things. One is that you will be rebuilding your self-esteem. The other is that you will be making yourself more attractive.

These are just the first steps, there is a lot more to wrap your mind around but these are the basics as you prepare for a new life of respect and dignity.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001

~hugs~

I went through this a long time ago.

A co-worker of my now ex-husband.

It hurt...:smileysad:...Not going to lie, we ALREADY had problems.

We had our daughter, she was two and I was pregnant.

She called him at home, wrote on his keys, they ended with him moving in together while we were still married.

The worse thing is I wished he had not lie to me, told me the truth straight up...

He stayed until our son was two and I had lost my Mom...

For a year I left the outside light on hoping he would come back, but after a year I knew.

Two children got very hurt in ALL of this.

He would not go to counselling with me while I was pregnant (high risk) and ONLY went once just before our son was born.

I loved him, but learned to love myself.

If he really is truly sorry and wants to fix this he needs to step up...How do you feel?

What do you need or want from him?

ONLY you can answer that.

My ex made a choice to leave us for her.

He divorced me and married her.

They are no longer together.

He is ALONE.

I wonder if it was worth it?

<3

 

Nightangel