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|Thu, 10-11-2012 - 11:35am|
I'd be here. I'm M, with 5 kids, and feeling completely selfish and horrible...yet unable to do what I know I should, which is let go of AP, who is also M. He just gives me exactly what I know I've been missing. Life has been so dreary and mundane, I used to have lots of fun and enjoy life. It's not H's fault I'm unhappy, but he hasn't really tried to help, he's of the opinion since he's not mean, abusive, or otherwise negative towards me then I don't have any reason to be unhappy. And it's been years that I've been unhappy. I never had any intention of straying. Except when I met this man, who was M, and I was M, so I didn't pursue it. But recently I started posting more pics of myself cause I'm losing weight, doing my hair and makeup, and really having a much better time. Although still not receiving much attention from H, he just says he loves me whichever way I am. AP started showing his appreciation. I still didn't have any intention of it goin anywhere. We talked sometimes. He was super careful and never told me that he wanted me or liked me, he was just nice. I finally told him that I thought about him sometimes, and he admitted the same. I basically knew that. So then it was suggested that he come by and he did, but it was an outside social visit and even H came out to chat with him since he knows him. I still had no intention of this going anywhere. But then we were chatting more... and I was flirting more, and so was he. Our conversations started becoming more sexually charged and one day I told him I wanted to meet. I kept telling myself that if we did meet we wouldn't have sex, it would stop before that. And yet, I kinda knew it wouldn't. It happened. The next day he tells me we need to slow down. I was devastated and kicking myself for ever liking him. I told him fine. Then he didn't talk to me for two days. Then after the two days he chats with me like nothing is wrong. So I go with it, he'd been busy at work anyway, I knew that. But he floored me when he said he'd been thinking of leaving...I thought at first he meant leaving so we could meet, but he corrected me and said he meant he wanted to leave his wife for good (this does not surprise me, I knew his W and tried at first to be her friend but she was so horrible I didn't want anything to do with her). He said he'd been going crazy since we had sex and wanted to be with me full time. (WTF? After a week of talking?) I told him to leave her if he wanted but I have 5 kids and there's no chance of me leaving my situation any time soon. So the next morning he gives me an ultimatum... either we are full time or friends only. I tell him that's fine with me if he can't do the 'part time' but I will not be friends. If it's over then it's over and we'll have NC. That calmed him down and he said we can just take things 'slow' like we have been and see where it ends up. He hasn't mentioned leaving his W again.... it's way too early to even talk about that, I have no intention of leaving my H, and I know I should end this now as it can only lead to heartache and pain and especially for the innocent bystanders in this... our children, our spouses... they'd all be devastated. I know H wouldn't leave if he found out....at least I'm pretty sure. I don't want to test it. Knowing what I should do is not helping... cause I can't bring myself to end it.