Never thought....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2011
Never thought....
4
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 11:35am

I'd be here.  I'm M, with 5 kids, and feeling completely selfish and horrible...yet unable to do what I know I should, which is let go of AP, who is also M.  He just gives me exactly what I know I've been missing.  Life has been so dreary and mundane, I used to have lots of fun and enjoy life.  It's not H's fault I'm unhappy, but he hasn't really tried to help, he's of the opinion since he's not mean, abusive, or otherwise negative towards me then I don't have any reason to be unhappy. And it's been years that I've been unhappy.  I never had any intention of straying.  Except when I met this man, who was M, and I was M, so I didn't pursue it.  But recently I started posting more pics of myself cause I'm losing weight, doing my hair and makeup, and really having a much better time.  Although still not receiving much attention from H, he just says he loves me whichever way I am.  AP started showing his appreciation.  I still didn't have any intention of it goin anywhere.  We talked sometimes.  He was super careful and never told me that he wanted me or liked me, he was just nice.  I finally told him that I thought about him sometimes, and he admitted the same.  I basically knew that.  So then it was suggested that he come by and he did, but it was an outside social visit and even H came out to chat with him since he knows him.  I still had no intention of this going anywhere.  But then we were chatting more... and I was flirting more, and so was he.  Our conversations started becoming more sexually charged and one day I told him I wanted to meet.  I kept telling myself that if we did meet we wouldn't have sex, it would stop before that.  And yet, I kinda knew it wouldn't.  It happened.  The next day he tells me we need to slow down.  I was devastated and kicking myself for ever liking him.  I told him fine.  Then he didn't talk to me for two days.  Then after the two days he chats with me like nothing is wrong.  So I go with it, he'd been busy at work anyway, I knew that.  But he floored me when he said he'd been thinking of leaving...I thought at first he meant leaving so we could meet, but he corrected me and said he meant he wanted to leave his wife for good (this does not surprise me, I knew his W and tried at first to be her friend but she was so horrible I didn't want anything to do with her).  He said he'd been going crazy since we had sex and wanted to be with me full time.  (WTF?  After a week of talking?)  I told him to leave her if he wanted but I have 5 kids and there's no chance of me leaving my situation any time soon.  So the next morning he gives me an ultimatum... either we are full time or friends only.  I tell him that's fine with me if he can't do the 'part time' but I will not be friends.  If it's over then it's over and we'll have NC.  That calmed him down and he said we can just take things 'slow' like we have been and see where it ends up.  He hasn't mentioned leaving his W again.... it's way too early to even talk about that, I have no intention of leaving my H, and I know I should end this now as it can only lead to heartache and pain and especially for the innocent bystanders in this... our children, our spouses... they'd all be devastated.  I know H wouldn't leave if he found out....at least I'm pretty sure.  I don't want to test it.  Knowing what I should do is not helping... cause I can't bring myself to end it.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 7:16pm

As hard as it was to never have the option of being with AP, I think it would be harder to have it offered to me but to be unable to do it.  That must be really difficult.

I think it is challenging to end an A when you are unhappy with your life.  Or if you do end it, it seems like many people either start a new A (despite their fervent protestations that once this A is over, they will NEVER have another one...lol).  If not they, they turn to food or alcohol or shopping, etc.  I guess what I'm saying is that I learned you can't take any shortcuts. I know it would be a very hard decision with five kids, but you may have to resign yourself to the fact that if you can't leave your H and be true to what your heart wants, you will be dealing with these things (like an A) to try to help you just feel something again.  It's OK.  You  gotta do what you gotta do to get by sometimes.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 9:18pm
Jane, thank you so much!! Hearing someone says it's ok, is what I need right now! I know this wasn't for me, but I am thankful.

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 9:25pm
Torn ~ you are not selfish or horrible. As you can see, I agree with Jane. This a has woken up feelings you haven't felt in a long time. It makes you happy and desired. Don't make any decisions too quick; it's too early.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2011
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 10:09am

Thanks so much for your reply.  That's such great advice.  Things have escalated for him and his W...  she started posting on FB nasty stuff about him.  Even last night she did.  I talked to him afterward and he said they'd been fighting all day and they were probably gonna split up.  I wish I could have run over and comforted him, but obviously that was impossible.  

And you are right about turning to other things when unhappy.  Prior to this A it was food and then shopping when I started getting a healthier relationship with food (I'm down 50 lbs and at a healthy BMI).  Now that's stopped...and I know I'd go right back if this ended.  

I thought I was affair proof.  Honestly, married mom of 5, who in the world would be interested?  And if nobody is interested then there is no chance of an affair. 

I know I need to end it.  But if I end it then I really have to commit to trying to improve my marriage.  H tries, and he's not a bad guy.  But... idk, he only pays attention to me or acts like I'm pretty when he wants sex.  And then he'll act that way no matter what I look like.  He says it doesn't matter what I look like, anything.  So if it doesn't matter that I was fat, unshaved, no makeup then it also doesn't matter now that I lost weight, take great care of myself, dress nicer, and wear makeup.  It's all the same.  I feel like I'm here to take care of the house and his needs.  He comfortable and completely happy for things to stay this way.  I know I need to work on myself too.  And now since the A... I don't know if I want to commit to making it better.   And I don't want to fall for the idea that everything would be perfect with AP if we were ever able to be together...cause I'm not stupid.  But I think one of the reasons I was attracted to him in the first place is that he's really nice and he always appreciates people, especially the small things.  He's expressive and straight forward.  I like that.  

IDK what to do.  I know what I need to do and I know what I WANT to do.  Those are the two things I'm torn between, hence my screen name.