Feeling lost and alone

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Feeling lost and alone
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 12:21pm

I've been married 12 years and have 2 kids. My husband is a kind, gentle, excellent father, with a good job and all the right attitudes to make people exclaim how lucky I am. I've been friends with S for 10 years or so, ever since we both finished school. He's a recovering alcoholic, almost 3 years sober, and in the last couple of years has become an incredible person - gone is an unhappy intense man, and now he's appreciating things, taken up a hobby, and seems to sincerely enjoy life.

A year ago I began seeing a therapist, because I wasn't happy. My H is suspicious of me, to the point where I stopped going out with friends (I lost my best friend a year ago; she dumped me and hasn't spoken to me since) and spent all my time at home. I stopped talking to him for a couple of reasons; 1) we now work in the same company just a floor apart so he knows what is going on and 2) each time I'd mention S I'd get a grilling about it and what we talked about and on and on until I cried (and I'm not typically a crier). I also began seeing a therapist because I was leaning on my best friend and S too much because I was unhappy, and neither of them could handle it (or do anything about it).


September 1 2012 I went to Africa for work, and S (and about 20 other people) were there. While we were there I got sick. S took me to the clinic and afterwards I just freaked out - I was feeling awful, alone, in Africa and needed support, so I took his hand, and he gave me hugs. He made me tea and took care of me. In the space of a week we were holding hands, cuddling while watching movies in bed, and having incredible conversations. We did not kiss, we did not have sex. It was a in incredible and horrible plane trip home (all 40 hours or so of travel) with amazing conversations (we talked the entire time) and despair over what I was coming home to and ever since then, up until yesterday, I've been chatting with S, finding excuses to meet with him.


Yesterday he sat me down and said he couldn't do this any more, un-friended me electronically, and told me he'll talk to me in a year. I'm devastated. At the same time my H has been demanding to know where I am in our relationship, what my plans are, do I want to be with him any more, what's going on. I found out he's been reading my emails - and found nothing. He's suspicious; which before I found unreasonable, but now, of course, he has some reason. He told me that he's OK being roommates for the sake of our kids, but doesn't want to keep trying to fix things if I'm not willing to. All I can say is I don't know. And that's the truth; I don't know. I'm stuck.


My life (from the outside) looks awfully perfect - two kids (both under 7), an excellent job, a husband that takes care of the family when I go and work in Africa for 3 weeks, a nice house, a fancy car. I'm feeling paralyzed. I don't know what to do. I'm not happy at home, but can't imagine leaving H and going on my own. And I know, intellectually, that there's no way I should go from H to S, because that's just a bad idea for everyone. But I can't stop thinking about S, and I'm really hurt. I wake up at night with an aching chest unable to breathe. I don't have anyone to talk to.


I am seeing a therapist, but, of course, I can't afford to see her daily (neither the time nor the money). She recommended I take some personal time off, but my job and other activities just don't have that space. And I don't know what I'd do with time off - sit at home and cry? My guess would be that after an hour I'd try and talk to S. I think about him constantly. But logically I know that I can't run from one to another.


So I don't know if I'm mid affair/ending affair or what. I do know that what I did wasn't innocent, and even though it wasn't fully sexual, there were back rubs, cuddles, neck rubs, and one night he spent the night in my room. And the fact that I was clothed and wearing a bra doesn't make it any better or less damning. So that's it, that's where I am, that's what's going on, and I'm feeling so very very alone.


Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 3:13pm

I am sorry that you feel lost and alone.  It is not a very good feeling for anyone.

Your therapist should be a little more help than taking time off, in my opinion.  You are not sure what you want and taking time off isn't going to accomplish that.  First off, since S said he can't do "this" anymore, you have to respect that and try to move on.  I know you have been friends 10 years, but maybe it is too much for him to handle.  My question though, why a year?  Secondly, you also owe it to your H to figure out what you want with him.  Were you jaded by the A?  With S out of the picture, how do you feel about H?  These are things you need to think about.

No, you shouldn't just sit around and cry and all that nonsense.  I am sure you have done all that and thought about it endlessly.  Now, it seems it is time to do something.  You need to figure out you and find your strength.  We are here if you need us.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2009
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 3:23pm

Your not alone. If I could give you any advice is just keep distracted (bad TV is ok and even really badder TV think RHONJ Reunion Part 3) and then just take moments here and there and think about where your at - write down notes - discuss with y our therapist - or whoever you have in your real world. And over afew days then you will figure when and whom to contact etc.


I wish I had more - your in an ok place to share

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 5:45pm

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I feel your turmoil and sadness in your post and have felt that total loneliness too- only I was at least able to share it with my AP. I think you should first get a different therapist. Work has actually been my sanity this past year. Taking time off will fix nothing and give you more time to obsess with no anwered questions. And you will likely reach out to S then. You need to figure our what YOU want/need/will do. Your H needs therapy too in my opinion. He needs to back off and let you breathe. The year comment from S is weird. At least he let you now very early on that he probably doesn't want to get tangled in something that looks like it really could turn into an A. Be thankful, very thankful for that. I do agree whole-heartedly that if you decide to end your M- you should only do it if you are ok being alone. If you still want to try to repair things with H, you should give it a shot. If you don't know, you should give yourself time and find a good therapist to help you. I don't know if this is helpful. It is just my initial reaction to reading your post.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 6:17pm
You are certainly not isolated. You may feel lonely, but you are not alone.

Now I understand why he said a year. But I also see where he is coming from. He sounds like he doesn't want you to make any rash decisions and depending on anyone else. He wants you to do for you. And cutting off communication is a good idea whether or not you believe so. It's hard. It hurts. But it does get easier. I agree, lots of busy work. But you must show him and yourself that you can do it and come out strong. Even if you don't feel it, hold your head high and smile.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 7:26pm

I'm sorry you're hurting.  I really do think breaking contact for now is the right thing to do.  If this moved into a full-blown A, you would be feeling even more confused and stuck.

I agree with what others have said re: your therapist.  Don't be afraid to let her know the advice doesn't work for you.  With losing your best friend, is it a R you might be able to heal, or have you been able to do much as far as getting out & meeting other women?  With all the heavy stuff you've had to deal with at home, and being preoccupied at work, maybe there's something different you could do just for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 7:44pm

We've all been there, so you came to the right place.  I also had a good, kind H and sometimes it made me feel extra bad, because I couldn't even justify my behavior by citing his issues.  It sounds like you are in a really rough place emotionally now.  I overloaded my closest friend at the time, too.  That's a hard lesson that you can't expect anyone to keep you afloat, even when you need it so much.  I know how much it hurts to miss that friend, and then to lose your AP, too...it can feel like too much loss.

One thing that concerns me is your XAP's fragile state. He hasn't been sober that long, and it sounds like the pressure of this R and what it is doing to you is causing him stress.  I think, as much as it hurts you, that he is being smart by stepping back and taking care of himself.  Imagine how awful you would feel if this A caused him to fall back into his addiction.

I think this is the hard part where you have to start delving into yourself to figure out what will make you feel fulfilled in life.  Sometimes just because what you have is enough for everybody else doesn't mean it is what you need to live an authentic life.  You sound like you feel trapped by what you have.  I'm glad you are in therapy.  Hopefully your T will help you to figure out what you really want and need out of life.  Until then, keep coming here and sharing with us!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 11:36am
Respect his wishes Sunrise. Please know that this is difficult on him as well. Give him his space and if he chooses to, allow him to come to you. It hurts him seeing you in pain & he knows if he doesn't cut things off now that he's just prolonging the inevitable.
How do you deal with this? By going one hour, one day at a time. Keep busy, do things that make you feel good and enjoy the company of some of your girlfriends. Unfortunately there is no easy way around this but through it.

I wish you the best!


Much peace & Love,



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 2:13pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 4:19pm

I think it IS you.

And I don't mean that in a hurtful way.  I think there is some sort of hole inside you right now, and you are terrified about the what it may take to fix that hole.  It may take learning painful things about yourself, seeing flaws, and facing pain.  It may take leaving a safe situation and going out on your own.  I totally know how you are feeling now, because I was in the same place a few years ago, and it is such an awful place to be.  It feels like your life is totally out of your control, and you just want somebody to fix it and make you happy again.  That desperation and the fear that drives it is probably what is making you seem too needy right now.  It's like you are drowning and anyone who comes to save you is getting pulled under, too (or at least that is how it felt to me).  Does that mean you are an awful person?  Absolutely not!  It means you are a person who is getting exhausted of trying to find a way to "fix" this what will preserve the feelings of all those involved, and your image (how you see yourself and how other perceive you, too).  I think for me, the pressure was the worst until I finally made a decision about what to do.  It was totally draining to finally get to the point where I decided to leave my M, but then once the decision was made, the dam finally broke. Even though I still had a lot of pain and some worries if I had done the right thing,  that terrible decision and the weight it had on my soul was not killing me anymore.

That doesn't mean I think you should leave your M, btw.  It just means that it is TOTALLY NORMAL to react to a stressful time period like this, and to become a kind of frantic person.  And it is also normal for your friends to feel a little overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings right now.  My advice it to just remind yourself that time is the answer.  Time will help you to decide what you want to do, and time will help bring you down the path you eventually need to be on.  Also, please remember that very few decisions you make in life are irreversible.  Even if you do get a D, if you are still meant to be with your H, you will eventually will be again.  I know this sounds morbid, but when I was feeling so messed up, I'd walk through the cemetery.  I'd look at the names on the headstones and wonder "Did ELizabeth Smith love somebody she couldn't have in 1852?  Did Henry Tebbs secretly love a woman he could never be with in 1910?  Did Harriet Green make the wrong choice and leave her husband in 1945 or did she let the love of her life slip away out of a sense of obligation?"  When I see how many people there are there, it makes you realize, in the end, it doesn't matter.  There is no marker on your grave that says "Here lies Sunrise.  She made some huge mistakes."  We all end up the same way, so all you can do is just keep plowing through life, trying to make the best of whatever decisions you have made.  

Just breathe, realized that you aren't going to have any answers soon probably, and remind yourself that it is OK to make mistakes.  It really is.  People who love you will help you brush yourself off after you make them.  

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 6:07pm
You deal with it by holding your head high and going on with life. For 2 years I worked with ap. We had the typical on off roller coaster, all while sitting 6 ft apart w/our backs to each other. Yes, it was very difficult. Yes, I sat and cried many, many days. It hurts like hell, and as if my heart was being ripped out. But you have to learn to be strong.
Don't go to him; don't cave. He doesn't want clingy, so don't be clingy. Show him that your world does not revolve around him. And keep everything else to yourself. How you feel and how you are to be perceived are 2 different things.


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