Feeling lost and alone
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|Thu, 10-11-2012 - 12:21pm|
I've been married 12 years and have 2 kids. My husband is a kind, gentle, excellent father, with a good job and all the right attitudes to make people exclaim how lucky I am. I've been friends with S for 10 years or so, ever since we both finished school. He's a recovering alcoholic, almost 3 years sober, and in the last couple of years has become an incredible person - gone is an unhappy intense man, and now he's appreciating things, taken up a hobby, and seems to sincerely enjoy life.
A year ago I began seeing a therapist, because I wasn't happy. My H is suspicious of me, to the point where I stopped going out with friends (I lost my best friend a year ago; she dumped me and hasn't spoken to me since) and spent all my time at home. I stopped talking to him for a couple of reasons; 1) we now work in the same company just a floor apart so he knows what is going on and 2) each time I'd mention S I'd get a grilling about it and what we talked about and on and on until I cried (and I'm not typically a crier). I also began seeing a therapist because I was leaning on my best friend and S too much because I was unhappy, and neither of them could handle it (or do anything about it).
September 1 2012 I went to Africa for work, and S (and about 20 other people) were there. While we were there I got sick. S took me to the clinic and afterwards I just freaked out - I was feeling awful, alone, in Africa and needed support, so I took his hand, and he gave me hugs. He made me tea and took care of me. In the space of a week we were holding hands, cuddling while watching movies in bed, and having incredible conversations. We did not kiss, we did not have sex. It was a in incredible and horrible plane trip home (all 40 hours or so of travel) with amazing conversations (we talked the entire time) and despair over what I was coming home to and ever since then, up until yesterday, I've been chatting with S, finding excuses to meet with him.
Yesterday he sat me down and said he couldn't do this any more, un-friended me electronically, and told me he'll talk to me in a year. I'm devastated. At the same time my H has been demanding to know where I am in our relationship, what my plans are, do I want to be with him any more, what's going on. I found out he's been reading my emails - and found nothing. He's suspicious; which before I found unreasonable, but now, of course, he has some reason. He told me that he's OK being roommates for the sake of our kids, but doesn't want to keep trying to fix things if I'm not willing to. All I can say is I don't know. And that's the truth; I don't know. I'm stuck.
My life (from the outside) looks awfully perfect - two kids (both under 7), an excellent job, a husband that takes care of the family when I go and work in Africa for 3 weeks, a nice house, a fancy car. I'm feeling paralyzed. I don't know what to do. I'm not happy at home, but can't imagine leaving H and going on my own. And I know, intellectually, that there's no way I should go from H to S, because that's just a bad idea for everyone. But I can't stop thinking about S, and I'm really hurt. I wake up at night with an aching chest unable to breathe. I don't have anyone to talk to.
I am seeing a therapist, but, of course, I can't afford to see her daily (neither the time nor the money). She recommended I take some personal time off, but my job and other activities just don't have that space. And I don't know what I'd do with time off - sit at home and cry? My guess would be that after an hour I'd try and talk to S. I think about him constantly. But logically I know that I can't run from one to another.
So I don't know if I'm mid affair/ending affair or what. I do know that what I did wasn't innocent, and even though it wasn't fully sexual, there were back rubs, cuddles, neck rubs, and one night he spent the night in my room. And the fact that I was clothed and wearing a bra doesn't make it any better or less damning. So that's it, that's where I am, that's what's going on, and I'm feeling so very very alone.