Husband watches porn and I found out by spying his email.. REGRET IT

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2012
Husband watches porn and I found out by spying his email.. REGRET IT
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 1:52pm

I am losing my mind. I need some help because I really don't know what to do. I should have never found my husbands passwords to his email. I can't sleep and I'm sick every day thinking about what I found.

He spends between $300 - $500 a month downloading video clips. Most are foot fetish, girls getting hypnotized and girls masterbating. I had no idea that he was doing this and I can't even tell him that I know because I learned his password in the computer and should have never snooped. I don't see the bills (they are in his name) so I can't say I saw it.

The big issue with me is that our sex life isn't so great. For the past couple of years, he has a problem having sex because he loses his erection. Now I know why.. Because he is excessively masterbating to these video clips. He uses a pill now to help keep it up and he also has another issue during sex because he doesn't ejaculate.. And, now I know why. I thought it was me. I had asked him before if he masterbates too much since that may cause his sex issues and he said that he doesn't.

I can't stop checking his emails ever since I found out. Every day when he orders a clip, I see what he ordered. I'm not sure how to go about talking to him because he will ask me how I know. I can't tell him I have his password.

This is literally killing me. I know I did bad by snooping. What should I do? Help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012

Hi, Sweetgal. Tell me, do you think you can enjoy porn as well? In this day and age, it's kind of an epidemic. A lot of people, male and female, are a little obsessed with it. Why don't you bring your laptop to bed, download something that gets you hot - there are a lot of free sites (, etc) and pleasure yourself when you know he'll be walking in soon. Then you can have the experience together. But don't make it just about him. Show him that YOU enjoy it. Maybe his little "hobby" won't be so hush hush then. Only if you're comfortable with that, of course. Maybe sharing this with him will help alleviate some of your nagging concerns about it, as well as add a little spice to your life : )

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2012

Get him to see the doctor and have his testestrone level checked, likely he low this will have an amazing effect on his ability to perform. Since he's into feet invite him to rub and play with yours, don't be subtle men love women who know what they want in bed. Exercise some control you'll find your sex will improve dramatically. Ed

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

After reading the responses I see a problem.  Men who lose confidence in their erections will find other outlets.  Women have an advantage that they can use lube even if they are not naturally lubricating.  Men need that erection.  It is in your interest to see if there are physical reasons for his ED.  Many men are very ashamed about this.  It strikes at the heart of their self image.  A sex therapist MD can be of great help.

   The fact that he masturbates does not mean that he cannot have intercourse.  That is not the reason why.  His porn fetish may not be what he will respond to in real life.  Another thought.  What was his upbringing about sex & marriage?  many men have been raised to "respect" the wife.  They /he may have been taught that women disliked sex and "good" girls did it only because they wanted children.

  It seem to my way of thinking that it would be best to inquire with a professional sex therapist(who is also an MD) and have him undergo a complete physical to determine if there are hormonal or blood flow problems.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2008

You might suggest to him that you both watch some porn and see if there is anything he wants to see.  If he sees you are into it, and not judgmental, he may show what he already has.  Then you have have  frank discusin abut what turns him on.  Many men are in the same situatin where the equipment does not work as well as it used to and more stimulation is required to get aroused.  You should know that it is not you and you should try to tell yourself not to feel bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
I'm assuming that the money isn't the issue here. Sounds like there is enough in the household for him to endulge in his little fetish without taking food from the mouths of babes....

I'm not sure that there is much to gain by admitting that you know. If it wasn't his videos and foot fetish it could be something-else. And regardless of what it is, he needs to work with YOU to make the sex between the two of you better.

If he doesn't want to work with you to have better sex then I can't see that admitting that you know will do any good. It might be something you keep in reserve for an ultimatum situation or a last resort. His reaction is unknown at the moment and it would be best to avoid letting him know until there is no other option.

Perhaps if he is the kind of guy that won't talk about the sex, it is you that will have to do it for him. Ask him simple Yes/No questions. Take the risk and masturbate in front of him. Feel secure in the knowledge that the vast majority of men would absolutely LOVE that and if for some reason your husband rejects you in some way that it is about him, not about you and what you are doing for him.

Maybe he would like to endulge his fetish with you - maybe you could carefully skirt around and edges without giving the game away. Maybe it's a fantasy that he only enjoys in private. You don't have to rush this. Take some time and perhaps "innocently" find your feet in the kind of situation that he might respond to and judge his reaction.... see what happens...

He may, like you, feel too reserved to actually speak clearly and honestly about what he wants in the bedroom. Who knows what could happen if you can somehow find out what it is he wants...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2012
Also, I honestly wouldn't mind pleasuring myself in front of him. I am very open about sex. A lot more than he is with me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2012

Hi Paul.. He is 45. He never touches my feet.. Never even said anything about them! That's strange.. I'm worried that he is addicted too. No, I never masterbated for him. He never asked. He is they type of guy that only wants to be on top during sex and try nothing new. I can live with that because I love him and whenever I get sex from him (once a week) it feels good.