Egg donor with a borderline personality disorder
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| Thu, 10-11-2012 - 4:57pm |
Using donor eggs is my only chance to conceive. Where I live there is only one fertility clinic and there is a long waiting list for donors, unless you bring your own. The rules and regulations are quite different from the U.S. You can't choose an egg donor, you just wait until it's your turn in on the waiting list and now the wait is nearly two years. You don't get to meet your donor and get very limited information about her, but most of the donors are "open" in the sense that the child can get the donor's name when they turn 18.
So, I've been on a waiting list for a donor for 20 months now and finally have a donor, after one failed, one backed out and one wanted a closed donation, which I declined. Last night, I found out by coincidence who my donor is, and also that she's diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder and a dependent personality disorder. The clinic had previously told me that she had checked "no" in all their boxes regarding hereditary illness.
I've already started taking meds and I think it's too late for her to donate to someone else, since that person wouldn't be ready in time for the egg retrieval. I think the clinic might charge me if I pull out now, and IVF treatments with egg donations are very expensive. This is my fourth and last subsidized treatment and it will take me more than a year to save up for another one.
It is uncertain how hereditary a borderline personality disorder is, according to what I've read, but it looks like there is a genetic component. It's hard for me to talk to the clinic, since I'm not supposed to know anything about the donor, and not many people know that I'm using a donor. I have no idea what to do, so any input is appreciated. Sorry for how long this is.
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That's a very tough situation to be in :( It would be hard to lose the money and to be put back into the waiting pool, and big shame on this woman for lying on her medical forms. You still might want to say something to the clinic, it's not fair to be putting all of you through this because she lied on her history.
What did you decide to do?
Melissa
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Wondering how you found out about the personality disorder? Was it through the clinic? Can you bring the issue to your clinic's attention, be honest with them and see what happens?
Me: 36 DH: 35 TTC for 6 + years. 2007-2011: 3 fresh IVF and 2 FET with own eggs; all BFN. 2011-2012: Switched to DE; 3 chemical pg's. 2013: Moved to TX; starting DE cycle w/new RE.
I found out because the egg donor has a blog about her experience. Nameless, but she advertised her blog on a chat board and when I looked up her previous posts there she talked quite candidly about her disorder. Her age, number of children and timing matched my donor.
I talked to the clinic and borderline personality disorder is not one of the things they ask about in their screening. They ask about depression and do not accept people who have taken medication for depression, but personality disorders are not on their list of health conditions they screen for. So she didn't lie or do anything wrong.
Now, I've discussed this with a person I know who is a psychiatrist and works with children, and he says that borderline personality disorder is thought to be mostly connected with negligence, violence or something like that in childhood, although there may be a genetic predisposition. So, if I provide the eventual child with a stable environment, most likely it will not be inherited.
I was right in that it was too late for me to back out, so after a lot of soul searching I decided to go ahead with the donor. Ironically, there is depression in my family and I once took antidepressants years ago, so I would not have been accepted as a donor, had I been in that position. On the plus side, she seems smart and conscientous from her blog. So I guess I'll hope for the best.
Melissa
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