Married Sex - Of Course

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2012
Married Sex - Of Course
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 5:53pm

Hi everyone!  First time I've ever posted on a forum like this.  Here's my issue.  I've been married for 23 years with the love of my life.  We have seven kids.  This is a variation on the "lack of sex" theme.  Rather, its the quality of sex theme.  My wife is accommodating.  While I appreciate that as an act of love (I rarely am refused), she has basically let it be known that she considers sex (even though she enjoys it) as the last obligation she might have in the day.  She likens it to the working out - you sometimes don't want to but are always glad you did it.

So, basically, I'm kind of a burden, and I don't like to be perceived like that.  We are both busy, but not so busy that we can't spice things up.  Basically, wanting anything more than the standard increases the obligation.  I can't stand it.  If my libido would let me get away with it, I'd honestly see giving it up altogether rather than just continue to be the thrice weekly obligation.  My wife is very attractive and I've always complimented her.  I sometimes if she might be an example of the cliche that "pretty girls don't try too hard."

Don't get me wrong, she doesn't complain, but the other night when I expressed some disappointment because I thought we were going to make some special magic and it came in as the standard, we talked and basically I'm just the thing in the day to get done.

I feel rather stupid complaining about the quality of sex when so many are stressed because they aren't getting any, but this is driving me crazy.  Any thoughts?


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 11:43am

Well, with seven kids, there's your issue. I get why you feel the way you do, but you need to learn that with a mother having seven kids, here's how the order goes" Mother, Mother, Mother, Mother, Mother, Mother, Mother, Woman (if she gets that), Wife. This is out of necessity. Everyone looks to the mom for their needs. That's not to say you aren't important, because you are, but can't you see that sex is probably the last thing on her mind? Again, not because she doesn't love you or isn't attracted to you. Getting sex three times a week in a household with 7 kids? That's a miracle. I wouldn't be complaining if I was you. Here's an idea - give her a day all to herself, you take the kids, cook, clean, get them to bed, etc. Then tell her she can do whatever she wants. Then see what happens the next time you have sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2012
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 12:06pm

I totally understand the stress.  I've gone the route you suggest.  She went on a weekend with friends, she spent most of yesterday at the lake etc.  Now that the kids are in school (all of them), she has more free time.  I do understand that she always comes home to the big family and that is a buzz kill (sexually) just before bed.  She just doesn't see an issue here.  She actually called me a girl, and my wife isn't the kind to indulge in name-calling.  I love girls, but to a guy trying to have a conversation, that just didn't help.  Ughh!!!

I think I'm just going to give her more space and do things without her.  We recently spent a lot of time together training for a half marathon.  I think the absence makes the heart grow fonder thing might be the right thing right now.  At the same time, I'm not going to be pouty and cause a fuss.  Just going to let it ride for a bit, and voluntarily reduce the "obligation" on her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 10:05am

I have no kids, but have a similar situation with my wife at times. She can be very busy with work, so she'll accomodate me---but it's clear it's an accomodation for me. One possible way to change things is  to lighten her load. From my experience, this isn't so easy.  With my wife, it's just how she does things. She is prone to overloading herself---and with work responsibilities, she's in a different profession and workplace, so I can't take over for her.

I am curious why you have 7 kids, instead of 2-3. Is it because of religious teachings? Just about everyone I know with more than 3-4 kids is devout--primarily Orthodox Jews. Seven kids is an awful lot to handle. As long as some are home, it's impossible to ignore them and their needs on a given day.

 Another possible solution is to "have an affair" with your wife---meet her for lunch or right after work, go to a cheap motel where no kids are around, etc. Use your office if you're a solo practicioner at work, etc. That way, you get to go at it when she has more energy and less distracted. Your schedules and wallet have to be amenable though.

Good luck.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 10:21pm

  What do you want?  A stronger orgasm?  It seems that there is something you want to happen that does not. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2012
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 9:06am

How old are you? With seven kids, you can't be in your twenties, even thirties. Or can you? Time to grow up. The tone of your letter is self-pity whereas it should be commiseration with your wife who is doing a whole helluva lot of work with those seven (are you exaggerating??) kids. Them plus that incredible three times a week?? Get off it, buster. You're driving your "beauty" to an early grave. No wonder she perceives you as just another obligation. Nothing will change for the better so long as she's the work horse and keeps working as hard. How could her thoughts be on what's sexually exciting? You're lucky you're getting it once a month.

Without being asked or nagged, sometime why don't you try helping her out, hiring some help, giving her a vacation alone (away from both you and the kids)? Try cooking, vacuuming, picking up, doing the laundry, running errands, babysitting, and other odd jobs to help out. It will take some time, believe me, for her to come around and be able to enjoy you. She resents you, fella, and rightfully so. So stop feeling sorry for yourself real quick. Ask anyone. Ask anyone about your little problem. See what answer you get.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2002
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 3:09pm
As a side comment, some people like to have children. My wife and I have 4 (19 down to 10). She had 7 brothers and sisters. Children are generally not helpless and can be taught to help out at a fairly young age (doing age appropriate chores). And before you call me nuts, we also home school. The oldest is now a sophomore in college with a 4.0 in biology.