Need advice, I feel like a terrible person!

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Need advice, I feel like a terrible person!
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 7:48pm

Hi everyone. I have been dealing with infertility for awhile now and it's really starting to wear me down. I have always been happy for friends who get pregnant but feel pretty sad at the same time. I have always been able to deal with this but when I found out my brother in law was getting married (I knew his now wife had been trying to get him to try for a baby after they only knew each other 6 months) I really started not being able to even talk about them without my heart racing. Now they have a 4 month old daughter who I haven't met yet. We do live in BC, Canada and they are on the east coast of the US, so I suppose that is a decent excuse, but I hate living with these negative feelings! I just have absolutely no desire to visit them and can't even imagine it! My husband has gone to visit them (my sister was in town so I honestly couldn't make it). I don't think they know I feel this way, I have always been nice to them and sent gifts for the baby and even let them call me for newborn advice when they asked (I am an ob/postpartum nurse)- needed a drink before that! I can fake it being far away but I know my heart will race and I will panic and I won't even know what to say to them if I visit, and they will surely think I am crazy! My husband's family all lives near each other and his sister just had her second baby around the same time (this doesn't seem to bother me as much for some reason). I just feel like the worst person in the world not wanting to meet their baby and not wanting to see or talk with them at all. It doesn't help that I never really liked his wife anyways, ugh! Help! I need advice on how to deal with this situation!!
Thanks ladies 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2000
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 2:59am
I want to reassure you as well that you are not a horrible person. My BIL had one child when we were trying and during our IVF's his wife got pg with their second child. My husband and MIL didn't tell me for a while, although I figured it out. It really got off on me because I had serious issues with how they were raising their first child (IMHO cry-it-out should not last an hour plus every night!!). I think it really bothered me because I didn't think that they got pregnant because they really wanted another child, but that she really wanted the attention of having another child (her sister had gotten pg the year earlier). I guess you could say I am not the close friends with my SIL either. It also really hurt when a cousin was gushing about the pregnancy and said "we've given up on you guys having a baby." Now, they didn't know what we were going through, but WOW knife to the gut feeling there. I will say I was really glad that they lived in New York and us in Alabama!! Not only was I upset with that situation, but every time I overheard someone complaining about pregnancy or their kids, it was like a piece of me broke. I remember sitting in a restaurant and the woman in the booth behind us complaining that she couldn't believe she had gotten pregnant again and how horrible it was to get pregnant so easily. I though something like "really, go buy some condoms, it's a dang sight cheaper than IVF!"

I will say, though, that for me, I found that the best way for me to cope was to focus on the positives. I had something that I told myself over and over when things got really bad. I would tell myself "I will be a mom, one way or another!" I had to try to find that core of peace within myself and release the negative thoughts. If I dwelt on them, they would fester. I had to focus on the fact that it was my niece and not my SIL's baby (if that makes sense). And I found out that I was stronger than I thought I was. I believe you will find that you are too!!!

And remember that it isn't selfish to put your own emotional health first sometimes!

Good luck!

My IVF baby turns 3 next month!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2008
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 2:35pm

Your are not alone and that is what is great about this board.  Many of us have felt the same way.   i found out my BIL's GF was pregnant the same day I was receiving a BFN from my 5th IVF cycle.   that news wasn't taken well at all.  I was fine with my sister having 2 kids.. kind of all right when my husbands BF wife got pregnant, though i was really jealous.  when I heard BIL GF was preganant.. i was just flat out pissed at the world.   They only had been dating for a few months and actually were breaking up because she got a job out of state.  Now this was the first grandchild and that just didn't sit well.    After my friends baby was  born and BIL baby was born.. i really didn't have much to do with the children.  yes i did go and visit but have did i ask to babysit?  No.. did i make special trips to visit.? NO.     Everyone grieves in their own way and if its easier just to ignore everyone for now.. i say go for it.

----"Never give up on something that you can't stop thinking about every second of every day."----


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2012
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 9:48am

You too! When is your IVF? We're getting ready to do our first one. I stop taking BCP on 10/26; then it's adventure time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2012
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 8:17pm

You are not a terrible person! My husband and I have been trying since we got married in 2008. In that time, my husband's brother had a baby with a girl he had known a month (shockingly, they are not still together) and his sister has had two babies. Going there for holidays has been absolute HELL. So we stopped going. I don't love them less. I'm not mad at them. It's just not a healthy environment for us to be in. In makes us so sad and envious and even angry. And, in my opinion, it is totally normal for us to feel that way. 

Now, I'm the first to say that this is probably not a long-term solution. If IVF doesn't work for us and we are never able to have a baby of our own, I may have to figure out a new coping machanism. But for the time being, I just don't have much to do with their lives right now. If we do get together, I try to focus on things other than the kids (which is SOOOO easy to do with four grandchildren ruling the roost). It may sound cold, but it's the only way I can cope right now. I'm not going to put myself through hell because of the card we've been dealt, and quite frankly, everyone else will be fine if I'm a bit reserved for a while.