It's over!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
It's over!
16
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 9:21pm

I am now officially a free woman!  It's such a relief just to have it over, I can't even tell you guys how much of a weight is off of my shoulders.  Of course, yesterday my car broke down, pretty sure it's the clutch or gears messed up, not sure which, but I'm sure it's expensive as heck, so my car is at my friend's house waiting for me to get it towed.  I tried today, but after court, I was so tired I just went to bed.  Mind you, I am a night shift worker, so I only had a short nap last night.  One of my friends went with me for moral support; I didn't get a lawyer of my own since I got everything I wanted out of the divorce, which is my stuff, like my car and motorcycle, the house, and my 401(k).  He got his stuff.  But, the man actually had it put into the divorce agreement that he gets the Kitchenaid mixer and his Pampered Chef pizza stone!  Whatever, I'll just go buy another one, not worth fighting over, but I did have the urge to throw it at his head there for a minute; too bad the mixer is so heavy!  I have primary custody, fair child support, and medical support, too, so all in all, pretty darn good.  

The funny thing is now that we are divorced, he's being really nice.  We had breakfast after court to talk about the kids and he invited me to go out to dinner and see a movie with him and our son, but I declined.  I've seen enough of him for one day!   I don't want to be mean, but I am exhausted from all the stress of the divorce, my car breaking, and getting the flu shot the other day, which has made me feel lousy as usual.  I am a little sad; I pretty much grew up with him, after all, but I could never live with him again, and I am not even slightly attracted to him anymore.  I get a little freaked out every so often, thinking, OMG, I'm all alone and turning 40 in a couple of months!  However, I know I don't actually NEED a man since I have my own life, my own career, a group of good friend, loving family, and can and have been taking care of myself and the kids forever.  I do miss having someone to share my life with, but I figure I'll find someone when the time is right.  I'm not actively "looking" right now, but people are already trying to set me up with their single friends.  One friend suggested a nice guy she knows, but he has custody of his 4, yes 4, kids, and they are all younger than my baby.  *shudder*  I have 4 cats, 2 dogs, and a pigeon, so I'm not sure which is worse!  Any man who wants to date me is just going to have to roll with it, cause I come with a furry army and 2 over protective sons, not to mention a whole group of biker friends, lol.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 10:35pm

Congratulations to you! I hope I can get to that point where I am happy to be free... My story is sad. Happily married but I have no sex drive and his is high.  We were otherwise happily married, and yes, my whole life has revolved around our little family unit.  But now he has met someone else, and I am sick to my stomach sad, but still unable to consider having sex with him.  I know it is for the best.  He has been miserable since I cut him off, & I thought I would look forward to the day he found someone else, but I just feel alone and scared for my future.

I really thought I'd be doing the happy dance right now but I am not. Hope I get where you're at-- I need to get it together for my kids sake...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 1:32pm

Good for you--I'm glad he gave you financially what you wanted & you didn't have to go through a long drawn out court battle to get it.  I also hope he will be nice to the kids even though they probably don't care about seeing him right now.

Yes my 2nd ex (bipolar one) was really nice to me after we got divorced.  I'd say for the 1st few months we'd go out to dinner every once in a while.  that summer his friends actually thought we were dating (and so were very confused about what was happening) since we went to a couple of parties together (but he had never told anybody we were getting divorced, so it was good for his "cover").  After a while, I realized that w/o the romantic attraction any more, I just found him boring & complaining a lot, so I stopped going out w/ him & found more friends.

I do think that since your youngest one is a teen, if I remember correctly, it's probably good to avoid guys w/ young children who are probably looking for help.  My youngest one is 17 and I don't want to date anyone whose kids are younger than high school. 

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 3:25pm

Hi,

Glad to hear it's final. It's a big milestone in divorce: an ending and a beginning.

I strongly encourage you to NOT date or think about dating right now. You may feel relief and a lot of other things but you're a far cry from being whole. Take this time to discover who you are as a single person. That's going to be a different journey than when you were still married and assumed the responsibilities of single parenting, etc. This time is a gift. Receive it.

So you'll have to be firm and consistent in declining your friends and family with their "help" with dates. I suggest you develop a phrase that you repeat as necessary, something like, "I know you care about me, however, I am not interested in dating anyone right now. I'm fine. When I'm ready *I* will seek out companionship."  Again, you must repeat this as necessary. What I've discovered is your friends and family are more "uncomfortable" with your new singleness than you are. I have a Iraq war widow in my church who must constantly tell her friends and family that she's not interested in dating even though her husband was killed 3 years earlier. Everyone perceives her as "lonely" and "incomplete" and "such a nice woman" and the truth is THEY are uncomfortable with her being a widow and raising her young daughter by herself. A man in her life would make THEM feel so much better! (She's far from lonely or incapable. She makes a 6 figure salary and takes excellent care of her daughter. She just chooses to do mission work instead of date. She's 33. She says, "When I feel ready to date again, I will know it. Right now, I just want to serve and be a good mother to my daughter.") I say bully for her...and bully for you!

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 9:40am
Congratulations. Im glad you are feeling relief. Sounds like your divorce was the right thing to do. Its still draining and emotional regardless. Maybe the fact that he is being nicer now shows that he in some way is relieved to? Being able to be civil/amicable will only bring you both peace and be good for your child/children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 1:39pm

Oh; good like Music said he didnt draw this out and pay more  money for divorce lawyers.. My ex also had a mental disorder and have no idea which one but when we divorced I hate to admit when I left home I did forget about what he did and at times I would ask him to go to lunch or go somewhere. It was rare but we became sort of friends. someone once told me that sometimes the ex'es make better friends than husbands.. Mine surely did and I didnt have to put up with him or deal with him on a daily basis which was impossible.... I had a life and so did he and it was fine..

Well? After a few years my ex finally moved to another state and we have no kids together and so there is nothing remaining to it.

Good Luck with the next chapter of your life and journey. I am sure it will be so  much better..

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 6:36pm

I do understand how you are feeling; this whole starting my whole life over at this point seems to be daunting at the very least.  I've had so many changes in the last year, between losing my life as I knew it to having my mother pass away, it's overwhelming to say the least.  I had to deal with lying and sneaking around, though it was so he could do drugs rather than sleeping around with other women.  I felt so betrayed, I'm not sure it's much different.  He seems like he's not using anything right now, but it just never lasts.  I know a lot of people don't see smoking pot as a real issue, but with him, it is.  He can't just smoke a little bit, he ends up high all day, everyday, and it would make me so mad, I felt violent, not that I ever acted on it, though, I'm just not that kind of person.  Just FEELING like punching someone made me so upset, though, you know?  He was my best friend, too, which is what I miss more than having him as my husband; it's left a big hole in my life.  I have been getting out, spending time with my girlfriends, which has helped so much, but it's very different.  To be honest, I am happier and have a much more peaceful life now, and for that I'm grateful; living with someone who's angry and depressed all the time is exhausting and was really taking a toll on my health.  

Right now, I just feel a little bit raw, bruised, slightly damaged, like I could still be sold, but in a scratch and dent sale, lol.  A male coworker, in a lame attempt to make me feel better, told me yesterday not to worry, I'd find someone new "cause you're not ugly or anything."  Wow!  I had to laugh.  Men truely have no clue!  I'm hoping now that he's got his freedom, we can at least go back to being, if not friends, at least friendly, for the sake of the kids and my sanity.  It's impossible to coparent with someone who's convinced you are out to get him 24/7.  I am a little surprised it only took 2 weeks for you to finalize your divorce, though.  In TX, you only have to wait 60 days, which is pretty quick, and the actual court case was shorter than our wedding ceremony all those years ago in a different court house.  I'm hoping I'll be able to find someone one day, too, because I certainly don't want to grow up and become the CCL (crazy cat lady), but seeing as though I already have 4 cats, it's not looking too good, hehe.  I found something that made me laugh my butt off on Facebook:  "There's a person out there for everyone; your person might  be 5 cats."   Here's to NOT being a CCL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 10:53pm
Yeah, I am having a hard time being single all of the sudden, too. I'm turning 40 in December, and never thought I'd end up alone at this point in my life. I feel sorry for my ex, too, because he will never be happy, either. If all of the things I did for him never brought him any joy or happiness, then there's nothing in the world that will. We too were very much in love, and I never thought there would be a time in my life again where I didn't love him, but here it is, and it's so strange... I used to wish he could just keep his misery to himself, but he seemed to hate for any of us to be happy when he wasn't, and would go out of his way to ruin any fun by being a mean jerk to me and the boys. At least I can go for days without hearing anything super negative, and it's great. I realized when I heard my kids mimicking his attitude of hatred and making disparaging remarks about how stupid everyone else is that we needed to get him out of our everyday lives; I even caught myself doing it a few times, and it's so not me! I think if we fill our lives with friendships, love, and positive things that we will meet the right sort of men one day, when we are ready for it. Until then, there's football, chocolate, wine, bubble baths, going out with friends, kids, parties, holidays, pets, etc. to keep us busy enough without even factoring in work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 6:39pm
Yep, his dr. is right. My H also had depression throughout our marriage and I think all the meds do is mask the depression. It's always going to be there beneath the surface, and if they need to take a break from it will just come back full force. They seem to think having an affair (s) is somehow going to cure their depression. And someone new and exciting might make them feel better for a while, but she too will get old eventually and then they'll cheat on her. I've known many men that were cheaters who ended up cheating on the 2nd wives too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 6:50pm
The holidays will be hard this year for me; my Mom died in February and my little one is going to spend Christmas with his dad. As for Thanksgiving, lord help me, I haven't cooked a turkey in a very long time! I am going to invite as many friends over as possible so it won't seem so strange to have Thanksgiving without the ex here. I may have to work, though, so who knows? My kids will be lonely either way, I think. I just hope it's not as bad as Mother's Day was; I had no one to call for the first time ever, having lost my grandmother the year before and my MIL and Mom within 6 months of each other. It was a really, really hard day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2012
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 8:16pm

Congratulations on finally being dome MC! So sorry to hear about the car. I hope it's up and running by now if not very soon.

I hear ya about the holidays. I'm really not looking forwrad to them myself, although anything would be better than last Christmas, which I spent home, alone, crying on the sofa. Ex took the dog and went to his parents for dinner after an argument. Guess I don't have to worry about that this year.

Also sorry about all the losses you've had in the past year....goodness....I would say you've had your fill of sad and are VERY due for some happiness. I've had family pass at xmas and thanksgiving and it definitely makes the holidays harder with those memories. Not sure what you beliefs about afterlife are but if you do believe in it, know they are still around you and want you to be happy. Not sure what I beleive in that respect but I do think of my grandmother often and hope she's still near.

I'm trying to decide if I will spend the holidays alone or with family and friends. I honestly just want to be alone. It feels very weird to be without a partner. What I'd really like to do is run off to a sunny spot and lay on a beach for a few days but I just can't do that financially. Maybe I'll just make myself some drinks with umbrellas, turn up my heat and watch beach movies all day! Maybe a bright orange pedicure, floral mumu and straw hat!

Hang in there. Holidays are tough. I know your friends will help you through.

lib

 

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