Pushed hubby to find girlfriend now i regret it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Pushed hubby to find girlfriend now i regret it!
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 10:02pm

Anyone think there's hope for my marriage?

I'm new here but I gather "LL" means low-libido? that would be me.  It's more like "NL" meaning NO libido.  I hate sex and want no part of it. 

I went along with it to save my marriage but couldn't do it anymore. just couldn't. cut him off 9 mths ago. I thought we could have a friendly marriage and he could just "take care of things himself".   I told him i would understand if he had to find a girlfriend.  Never thought he would... but now I caught him texting someone and he came clean and said it's someone he wants to date, they've been talking & texting but nothing has happened yet.  He apparently has been talking to her about our situation and she has been very sympathetic and asked him out for a drink but he was fishing with a buddy and said maybe another time.

I feel sick to my stomach!! Do not know how to handle this! I do not want him to have a girlfriend! I dont know what to do!  In all other ways we are so very married.  We get along great, but I have not been warm cuz I didn't want to give a mixed signal.

I asked him if it's too late and he kind of said yes, but then spent the next 2 days crying.  He's at a baseball game tonite with his friend and I was sick to my stomach that he is with this girl so he txt'd me pics of the game & his friend.  I asked him if it's too late (texted him at the game) He told me to stop harassing him - he doesn't have an answer to that.

Sick to my stomach.  Anyone think this is a lost cause??

I have been a basket case all night-- tried very hard no to let my kids see, but I think they could sense my anxiety.  I hope this is not how its going to be.   


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011

Now ironically I was rather LL w/ my 1st DH which I'm sure lead to the breakup of our marriage.  Then at age 43 I met my 2nd DH and our sex life was much better--I felt much more uninhibited & tried new things that I had never done before.  And I can't explain why it was different '

Musiclover, I think you and I are in a very small minority, my situation is very similir. I would have stayed with ex for the kids for years, if he had not kept cheating. But I had no interest in having sex with him, and I would have classified myself as LL back then. But along comes SO, and wow now I would say I am HL. And its NRE, we ahve been together for a few years now.

For OP, did you have a good sex life before menopause? Look into medical options, as there could be a physical cause. Also, you said your world revolves around your family, maybe find some outisde interests. Make sure you are happy with your life as a whole, as they say..."if Mama aint happy, aint no body happy"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2012
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 12:51pm

Terrible as it may sound to you, my advice is to "own it." In other words, let it go. You suggested he find someone and he has. Adjust to it. If you cannot adjust to this, well, then get a separation. I suggest separations because they are a good way of discovering your feelings for someone. If you are only going to be jealous, then what's the point of being married except to imprison him in your little grey web and to torment him with your turnoffs.