Should I bother getting involved?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Should I bother getting involved?
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 5:29am

There is a guy I have started becoming good friends with recently(we used to work together years ago) and he's asked me out.He seems to really like me and we get on really well.

The problem is although he and his ex split up over 10 years ago they are still married ,still in constant contact he's godfather to her small son.She totally broke his heart when she left him all those years ago and I guess I'm feeling that maybe the reason they are still so close is that there's a part of him hoping for a reconciliation.

She has a boyfriend I really don't think she is interested in him that way but obviously loves the constant support he gives her and I really don't want to be feeling like second best  and getting hurt and I'm thinking that perhaps its best we just remain as friends .

Am I right to be cautious?

All advice opinions would be greatly appreciated


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 12:27pm

I think before you decide, you should talk to him (on the date) about your concerns.  Ask him why he never got divorced.  Ask him if his DW wanted to get back together, would he do that?  Ask him if he was in a serious relationship, how much contact he would expect to have w/ his ex and if his new GF didn't like that, what would he do?  Maybe you don't have to ask that all at once, cause it would be like an interrogation, but I'd definitely start out by asking why they haven't bothered to get divorced.  Maybe it's something simple like she needs to be on his health insurance--but if he can't come up with an answer, then I'd think twice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 1:27am

I see the fact he never got divorced to be a red flag here, whatever his rationale is. You want to be able to have full and clear title to a man if you get involved. I think you're correct to stay away--until and unless he officially ends his marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2011
Wed, 10-17-2012 - 8:47pm
Hi!! I think you are completely right with your gut feeling and that in this situation it might be best to remain friends... just until you can really sense a difference that he is over his ex wife and ready to move on. You never want to feel or be second best. You should be his main priority. It would be exhausting trying to compete with his ex for attention and thats not how dating should be. It should be fun and exciting and most importantly, it should feel right! Right now it seems as if he is confused. Though asking you out might finally be his baby step forward to moving on over his ex!! If you really like this guy I would bring up the concern. Sometimes saying it out loud to him might get him to realize he needs to figure out his place and where his feelings are in regards to his ex. Please keep me posted! And hope I was able to help! xoxo Amy
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 5:53pm

Thank you all for your replies.We did go out yesterday and had a great time.I have not mentioned anything as it did not feel appropiate as she was never mentioned.Hes very attentive towards me and I dont feel like some consolation prize ...YET .I think i will see him again and see how it goes keep my head screwed on and see how it develops ,if it develops it will all come out sooner or later(i dont know if he knows i know hes still married ) I know there is no way i could handle being second best but im willing to give him a chance to explain.