Child Free and Debating UGH

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Child Free and Debating UGH
7
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 9:17am

Hi Everyone,

My name is Nady and I am 38 years old, my husband is 43 years old (has a daughter from a previous relationship) and we tried to have a child for 4 years and have been TTC-Free and Child Free for 2 years.  We always knew adoption was never a real option, and we were not going to break the bank to have a child, we wanted a child just not that bad. 

When we first started to try, we did it because we felt it was the next step in the marriage process, we both felt that we wanted to enjoy our marriage and travel but after constant harassment from older parents and our friends (who have kids), we decided to put our travels on hold and bit the parent bullet train.  Treatments were horrible (we both had problems in the reproductive department) and before we went for broke and suffered any further we sat down and had an long talk.  To my surprise my husband felt the same way I did for wanting to have a child, I only wanted a child because I thought that is what he wanted and vice versa, he explained that he already had a daughter who was 16 and thought of starting the process again as "painful" but only kept trying because he didn't want me to not have a child.  The 3k that I had borrowed from my 401k for IUI turned into a fabulous 9 day southern Caribbean cruise with balcony suite.  I was criticized by family and made to feel bad for taking such a "lavish" trip (they act like I went to to Europe).  We decided to just stay quiet and no longer disclose our decision to be child free, we found we were less stressed saying that we were still not lucky than explaining that we were not going to regret our choice to stop and be child free and for once in our life together we were happy.

You can go online and find TONS of forums for woman trying to conceive and couples struggling with infertility but I am yet to find somewhere where someone can openly write, we tried, we failed and we feel happy that we dodged the parent bullet train, with out the critique of "you only feel that way because you never got pregnant and are bitter" (so far from the truth, I am one of the baby shower planners of my job and knit booties for everyone with out crying and feeling bad, I am glad for them)

We have never been happier, we have a bunch of little weekend trips booked and 3 cruises coming in with in the next two years.  We even decided over the summer to take a trip to Walt Disney World and be kids again, we laughed as we saw others struggling with bratty unruly kids as we jumped on rides as single riders while the others waited with their kids.  I am not against children, I do not despise them, I just know that they are not for me and we are perfectly ok with not having one around in the house.  Is it so wrong for us to have changed our mind and be happy with our choice to be child free even if at one point we wanted to have a family (for what ever reason). 

Will we be able to fit into any place?  We don't feel sorry for our selves and we are strong believers that things happen for a reason and we are currently trying to enjoy that reason, as well as our marriage.

I hope that you guys can understand where I am coming from.  Thanks for hearing me out :-) Sorry I am all over the place, I have a lot to write and do not want to sound like a book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 4:53pm

After watching the Frontline show "Growing up Poor", it just kills me to see children suffering because of the decisions (or lack thereof) made by their parents.  Single mothers, underemployed people, people who don't save for the future.  What ever happened to family "planning"?  Why is it so bad not to want to have children than to have them without the necessary means to support them?  One thing that truly amazed me about these children was their resiliance to the circumstances, but I still could not help but think (in the case of one family) why do they continue having MORE children when they can't even support the ones they have?  I wish there were more public ads for responsible reproduction, and religion should be left out of what is an extremely personal decision.  I think because I don't tend to socialize that much, there have not been the opportunities for people to offer their opinions.  And those who do, I tend to avoid in the future. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2001
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 11:22pm

I'm so sorry about the pressure from your mother-in-law. I'm very thankful neither my parents no my spouse's have given us any grief.

I'm so glad you are happy in your marriage and family. You are right! A family can be just as wonderful with two people as with four or five or more!

Welcome!

Child-Free By Choice message board on iVillage

Avatar for IrishPrincess415
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2012
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 3:28pm

Hello,

Thanks for your awesome post!  My mother-in-law recently told my husband and I that our marriage was a lie and God did not approve of us choosing to not have children.  Seriously!?  I told her medically we were not sure we could have children, hoping that she would back off....nope.  Her response was "Well, you know they have made many medical advances to help you with this."  OMG - Leave me alone.  My husband and I love to travel, just as you and your husband do.  We do things at the spur of the moment and have the luxury of only worrying about 2 dogs to take care of - off to "grandma's" they go, no problem.  I wish people could understand some of us just don't want for that in our lives as they might.  My friend is pregnant currently and she just doesn't understand how people who are married don't want to have children.  She stated a few years back that it was part of being married, having children, that is.  I don't really like kids, well, kids that aren't my friends or family.  I don't care if other people have kids - good for you.  I have dogs!

I just think it's so hurtful to have to explain to my mother-in-law over and over without being rude that it's just not in the cards for us, and we are okay with that.  My husband, much like yours, thought I wanted kids and I thought he wanted kids so we tried for a month or so and when nothing happened we had a long discussion.  I told him it wasn't fair that he always said "Whatever you want is good with me."  I need a definative answer man!  Finally, he said "I never thought I would get married, not to my best friend, the girl of my dreams, my beautiful IrishPrincess! So, if we have kids, that's just another bonus, but if we don't, you make my life complete and I am satisfied beyond belief with that!"  Well, seriously, can you be any sweeter :)

That helped me to let go of the feelings that I had to have children.  My mother is a guilt on my heart as I know she wants grandchildren but I have talked with her about the situation and my personal concerns with having children and she understands and told me it was a responsible decision to not bring a child into the world that later you may rescent (sp).  I appreciated that!

Now my sister-in-law (who is not on my top 10 list) recently had a baby, that started the crap from my mother-in-law, then my husbands cousin had a baby - more crap.  We have a lot of family functions coming up with the holidays.  I've decided not to participate and to go ahead and visit with my family.  I just don't want to deal with the BS that comes along with his family.  I'm not running or hiding from it, I'm choosing to enjoy my holidays without the stress of everyone wanting to know when we are having kids.

Recently over the summer my cousin got married.  At the reception my mother's cousin and his wife (my 2nd cousin) asked me when we were going to have kids as her daughter (my 3rd cousin who I am very close with) was trying and not having any luck.  I looked at her, serious as could be, with family all around and said "We aren't going to have children." and I smiled and that was that.  SURE ENOUGH! - All the comments started rolling in, oh you don't mean that, just give it time.  Oh you have to have children, God wants you to.  On and On and On. 

I wonder why society is so afraid of a power couple (as my husband calls us), not having children if that truly is their desire!?  I wonder why it can't be a family of 2 instead of a family or 3 or more....My husband is my family and I'm good with that, I don't need children to solidify my marriage.  I would prefer understanding and acceptance from my family....geez!

Well, everyone hang in there!  It's just a battle that you have to fight, whether that be with words or by simply removing yourself from the situation.  I prefer that latter of the two.  I'm not always in the mood to defend my position to someone who told their 2nd child that he wasn't wanted, he was supposed to be a girl and so they had to try for a 3rd child to get a girl.  Who does that, seriously?!  My mother-in-law, about my husband.  No wonder he doesn't want kids!

Cheers!

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 6:32pm

Welcome to the board! There used to be a board on ivillage dedicated to women who had struggled with infertility and eventually opted to live child-free. I think it was a valuable resource because someone who has travelled that path might be dealing with entirely different issues than someone who has come to the decision in a different way.

You and I actually have a lot in common. I am also 38 and my DH is 42. My step-daughter was 9 when we got married so I jumped right into co-parenting a teen! She's now 25, happily married and has 2 sons so I get to enjoy being a grandma without ever having suffered sleepless nights with a newborn!

I think you have a great attitude about the way things have turned out for you. Hopefully your family and friends will see that you are happy in your life, whether it be by decision or by circumstance and they will help you to celebrate each day to the fullest.

I look forward to getting to know you here!

RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2010
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 2:49pm
I'm sorry that your friends and family pressured you. I know they probably don't realize how any of this is really not their business, but still. It's frustrating.

That is so great that you and DH took a trip to Disney World. I'd love to do that one of these days.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 9:28am

... we both felt that we wanted to enjoy our marriage and travel but after constant harassment from older parents and our friends (who have kids), we decided to put our travels on hold and bit the parent bullet train. 

That's criminal that people feel that they have the right to pressure you into having kids!  I am glad you finally realized what makes you and your husband happy and not cave in to unreasonable expectations.

And this makes me think how many other families are out there, having kids when they really don't want any.  No wonder we have such a big problem with bratty kids, neglected kids, abused kids.

The 3k that I had borrowed from my 401k for IUI turned into a fabulous 9 day southern Caribbean cruise with balcony suite.  I was criticized by family and made to feel bad for taking such a "lavish" trip (they act like I went to to Europe). 

So what if you were to go to Europe?  It is none of their business.  Sometimes I think people are just jealous of your freedom and disposable income.  (Let's face it, it IS expensive to property provide for and bring up a child).  As to your friends with kids who harrassed you, they are probably miserable and misery loves company!