Do I like girls now? Or is there a deeper problem.

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Do I like girls now? Or is there a deeper problem.
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 10:01am

I am a heterosexual woman who is married. Let me just say before I make myself sound like the worst person in the world our marriage has been on the rocks for a long time due to his alcholism. We've been going to counseling and he has started AA/NA. He's already been to rehab and when he came home he relapsed for a period of 8 months (sneaking around behind my back and doing it). I'm trying to make it work, but recently I've started to develop feelings for a friend of mine and yes it's a woman. I have no idea how to even process these feelings, what any of it means or where to go from here. A part of me wants to tell her, but I value our friendship. I also don't want to walk away from my marriage or even put it in danger if I'm just having a freak out from all that's going on in my own life. 

I tried to talk to my husband about my sexual orientation crisis, but he just became devastated and I quickly back tracked. 

I can't really talk to my friends or family. The only person I told about this suggested I see where it goes and if it feels right then I have my answer, but I'm just not sure if it's the right decision for me. 

I'm so lost and confused.

Side note the woman I've developed feelings for is twice my senior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

You have 2 separate issues here--the 1st one that needs to be resolved is whether you want to stay w/ your DH.  I think that should be  resolved first before you think about your friend.  I think this is pretty much the same as when women in an unhappy marriage start having some kind of emotional affair with another man--it takes your mind off of what is going on w/ your marriage.

As far as why you are attracted to a woman, have you ever felt like this before?  I know several women who married men (some even had children) and then got divorced and ended up with women.  My SIL for example was your typical "tom boy" always playing with the boys when she was a kid.  I assume that because of the time period (we're in our 50's) and it was less acceptable then, she tried to convince herself that she was straight.  Or you read about celebrities, like Anne Heche, who have one lesbian relationship and then go back to men.  I do think we can have strong feelings of love for someone that might not really be sexual.  I do agree that therapy would probably help you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2012
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 5:55am
There could be MANY reasons for your feelings... you are in a toxic relationship trying to literally de-toxify. This may or may not be a sexual orientation issue. To me, I think this is more of a transference in possibly a 'motherly' way. I am no expert, but the 'twice my senior' comment keys me in to hypothesize that - which is only NATURAL considering what you are dealing with in your husband's major issues. She is consoling you, possibly counseling you and possibly touching your soul in an area where it is being neglected creating an attraction that may or may not be sexual.

Being open with your husband is VITAL in this... him becoming 'devastated' or not - he'll be moreso if you hide it and have affairs - they always find out, trust me. You just need to pick the right time and place to LEVEL with him openly and honestly. Communication - or lack thereof will make or break a relationship. If he simply cannot handle your honesty, that is his mistake... and possible misfortune. I am not however advocating affairs, open marriage, polyamory or acting on your potential bi feelings. Our sexuality in life is NOT concrete... it is FLUID and many things or people can affects our feelings, curiosities, desires and attractions even that flip towards one side or the other or right down the middle. That does not give us carte blanche to go act out on those feelings disregarding commitments. You obviously know that, but OB... in all that you said above... two things escape me... are you in love or do you still love your husband and is he abusive towards you in any manner? I see evidence pointing towards the latter, but not the former.

Regardless, this is my two-cents worth of advice... do NOT decalre your feelings to or get into a 'relationship' with this woman AT THIS TIME... if it is meant to be, then it will happen AFTER things are settled down and EVERYTHING is out in the open... in honesty. From what it sounds like to me, this is the WORST time for you to get into a relationship... you could go from the proverbial frying pan into the fire or face of the sun even - this could devastate not only your husband, your family, but also YOU. You are not ready for another relationship while you're detoxifying what you already have... UNLESS you feel there is no hope or chance for you and hubby. In that case, pray about it incessantly or at the very least, get some good professional bi-friendly spiritual counseling. Why do I add spiritual? Because in today's permissive society, there is simply too much 'just do it' advice out there that does not take into consideration the long term effects of following such advice. We have gone as a society form the 'if it feels good, do it' in my generation to the 'do anything' in this generation. However, they must also understand and recognize the validity of bisexuality - if not, seek another counselor. Trust me, many still feel bisexuality does not exist... the truth is VERY FEW people are 100% straight or 100% gay - well over 3/4 of the population fall somewhere in between those extreme percentages - and all research bears that out.

Numbers are meaningless in YOUR situation, however, because all that matters is how you personally feel or how this will affect all involved. I don't know what your beliefs are or not... I personally am a Christ follower, however, I am also bisexual... openly so... with my friends, family, dates, my GF, some church members even... except for my kids - they do not need to know. Discretion is the better part of valor after all. This could be a fleeting attraction based upon your home/marital situation or could be something much deeper... love or simply a sexual infatuation. There are a myriad of things this feeling you have for your 'twice (your) senior' friend could be, but that is not important... for now. What is is your future of your marriage and the future of your sexual orientation. There are ways to make a mixed-orientation marital relationship work, FYI, but it will take the two of you and a lot of open honest communication to give you two any chance at saving your marriage while keeping your feelings true to all involved. You have a very complicated high-drama mess, dear - you need to find your center, find yourself and find your future - only then can you chart a direction for the road ahead, depending upon which path you take and who is there with you. Just remember... "God is not a god of confusion." I wish you the best in this. Thanks for being so candidly open in sharing this. I empathize with you... and my prayers are also with you. Blessings & peace :smileyhappy:
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 9:47am

I agree with the others in that you must resolve the situation with your husband first. Keep the friendship with your woman friend and let that remain strictly a friendship.

As for your husband you say the marriage has been on the rocks a while.You don't provide much detail except he is an alcoholic and is relapsing. You have to decide do you continue to try to work on this marriage or do you make plans to leave.

As far as your orientation, its certianly possible you have genuine romantic feelings for a woman. You could be bi and are able to have feelings for either sex. If you do go down the path of divorce, and your friend is still around, then there would be no reason not to pursue something with her. I don't know if you have kids but it could impact them if and when you choose to go this route, also you might expect some negative reactions from some family, friends, etc.

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Registered: 02-14-2014
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